new year is nt very new

waves byebye to kk BO cash management dept
hellos to cps sws teachers & students

so here i am, preparing myself for e BIG DAY in 3 days time where i get to torture students with ss, maths, eng & if i'm nt wrong, PE. yes, dun laugh, PE. but honestly, i dun have to care much, do my job, get e pay & get e hell out of there. hopefully, nt screwing up anybody or myself.

i actually appluad my sis for writing a dictionary of cedar frm A - Z. it's good to know tt someone actually shares e same experience with u in e same place with e same ppl.

& i've realised tt most personalities are actually formed during e crucial period from sec 1-4. but i guess tt must be crap deduction. i have nthing to rant abt life. in fact, there's too much for me to rant abt tt i can't be bothered to rant abt it. take care ppls. take care.

~~~~~

things always gets more complicated when e issue of money comes into e story. when princes & princessess talk abt living happily ever after, they do nt have to factor in the cost of living, the cost of bringing up a child. in fact, they're just too obsessed with each other to even calculate. so this is how we get or maybe naive ppl get attracted to k.drama. those promises of i'll love u forever, of running away to a new place where nobody can find us. u can't live a dream. a dream will nt be called a dream if it can be fulfilled in reality.

if our friendships do get affected because of reality, i won't hold on. because u & i can't feed ourselves on friendship, on hopes, on false expectations & dreams...

looking @ cedar thru cedar.

maybe i'm just thinking too much into this whole thing tt i feel jaded & depressed. maybe it's just this simple reasoning tt u rejected it because of ur "promise" to & i happen to get it. maybe what u said is true, tt u had a commitment to keep towards sgh so u cldn't let go. right. so what abt me?

e fact remains, we went together, i got in, u did not. twice i had get a grip of myself to get over this overwhelming guilt coming down hard on me. it's been a few days? it still hurts to think that u're nt here. that somehow or rather i might be taking ur place

i'm tired of questioning myself over & over again if i shld have walked e "morally upright" path & continue my job as a BO astant. i guess in e end, i just gave up & followed what was e correct & realistic way to do things as my parents have strongly advised me.

we will all have to move on. it's only a matter of how much effort u need to just simply put down everything, ur responsibilities, ur promises, ur hopes & walk away frm this guilt. all this guilt.

满城尽带黄金甲

菊花台
夜太漫长 凝结成了霜
是谁在阁楼上 冰冷的绝望
雨轻轻弹 朱红色的窗
我一生在纸上 被风吹乱
梦在远方 化成一缕香
随风飘散 你的模样

菊花残 满地伤
你的笑容已泛黄
花落人断肠 我心事静静躺
北风乱 夜未央
你的影子剪不断
徒留我孤单在湖面 成双

花已向晚 飘落了灿烂
凋谢的世道上 命运不堪
愁莫渡江 秋心拆两半
怕你上不了岸 一辈子摇晃
谁的江山 马蹄声狂乱
我一身的戎装 呼啸沧桑
天微微亮 你轻声地叹
一夜惆怅 如此委婉

菊花残 满地伤
你的笑容已泛黄
花落人断肠 我心事静静躺
北风乱 夜未央
你的影子剪不断
徒留我孤单在湖面 成双

菊花残 满地伤
你的笑容已泛黄
花落人断肠 我心事静静躺
北风乱 夜未央
你的影子剪不断
徒留我孤单在湖面 成双

《不第后赋菊》
待到秋来九月八， 我花开后百花杀。
冲天香阵透长安， 满城尽带黄金甲。

满城尽带黄金甲

dear mum
kindly dispose of urself in hell
byebye
ur lousy daughter
simin

so now u know....

someone said smthing tt bothered me alot, i tried to move on but i cldn't.
i'm becoming increasingly paranoid, increasingly insecure.

& now i'm blaming myself for everything tt has happened. like it's my fault, or maybe it is my fault...

i've always tot tt to enter society was to go to another new world, with grown ups who manipulate, play office politics & climb up e ladder to reach e top. either way, it's a dirty world out there. but i guess what i hadn't realise was tt i had already been out there since i entered JC. just tt i've happily convinced myself tt my jc mates wouldn't be as assholic or as weird...

so i have conveniently allowed myself to be made use of by different ppl over e 2 yrs & i was kind enough nt to collect rent frm them for using me & instead have to refund them back with my emotional trauma. all thanks to them, i'm now officially paranoid & convinced tt everyone has a conspiracy against me, there's this ultra big conspiracy to take note of every word i say so tt it can be used against me, so tt they know my weakness & can manipulate them in the future. it's sad, it's damn tiring to guard against everyone, even e ones i trust, or i want to trust.

it kills me every time i have to think twice to what i have to say to close friends or even family member so tt i won't have to be judged by ppl. oh the fuck.

u noe i've always lamented at why ppl just refuse to sit down with a pen and paper to list out all their misgivings & compromise. it's e most simple & most direct solution. why nt? y isn't it as easy as it seems?
i don't noe why it's bothering me. and somehow a part of me still tries to convince myself tt maybe all this is just a mistake. tt they are still kind, that they're nt aware tt what they're doing is wrong. all these things are so wrong, how could someone even do tt to a "friend"? what's so nice abt e manipulation? doesn't it bother u @ all?

maybe some ppl just thrive on e fact knowing tt they've ctrled & manipulated u, tt u are like their objects waiting to be used, over and over and over and over and over again....

外面的世界

this song has been playing in my mind for e past few days since i heard her cry. i don't know. i had initially planned to burn down recruit express's office, but found out recently tt my friend was working there so i guess i'll just have to shelve my plans. wadever it is, i've been lucky so far in my past working expriences (xcluding my sec 4 $1/hr work) so everything is pretty much ok, cept for feeling e guilt once in a while for nt being able to help. i just pass life each day pretty much the same.

i don't know if this heavy feeling comes from e recent changes in my life or maybe i'm just too drained by work. my work load is pretty ok actually.

i guess i've been pushing things to e back of my mind, nt wanting to think too much into e future, just living everyday hoping tt this will nt end. i don't know how i feel towards all these stuff anymore. it makes me depressed when i talk abt so i guess i'll just act dumb & laugh it off like it doesn't really matter much to me as it is to u.

it's fascinating how e person who understood my fear was the one who was in a worse situation then i was. even though i'm nt as financially handicapped as her, i guess these kind of stuff is just difficult to explain & only ppl who've been thru it know what it truly means to fear for e uncertainties in life, nt just As, results or relationships but rather e basic survival of a family unit & how long it can hold out under e financial strain...

i'm tired i guess.... & i tot e race has ended...

外面的世界很精彩
我出去会不会失败
外面的世界特别慷慨
闯出去我就可以活过来

留在这里我看不到现在
我要出去寻找我的未来
下定了决心改变日子真难捱
吹熄了蜡烛愿望就是离开

外面的世界很精彩
我出去会变得可爱
外面的机会来得很快
我一定找到自己的存在
一离开头也不转不回来
我离开永远都不再回来

天天天蓝

天天天蓝
教我不想他也难
不知情的孩子
他还要问
你的眼睛
为什么
出汗
情是深
意是浓
离是苦
想是空

I'M IN THE "I'M SO DAMN SHAGGED BUT STILL WANT TO GAME" MOOD....

christmas carols also mean tt u are a month nearer to ur *gaps* Alvl results! HALELUJAH...

ok i haven't been of sound mind recently. e monotonous office works tends to make ur brain more retarded den it alrdy is. plus, looking at numbers from 8.30am to 5.45pm is nt really smthing to look forward to everyday....

to e ppl who died

i've always had mixed feelings towards ppl who wallow in self-pity, claims to want to end their life & those who tried to die. stuff tt makes u very worried, very tired, very angry & more depressed than u already are.

i don't noe, maybe i'm just felt tt i'm one of them or used to be one of them. the significant few who just needed someone to always care, who just needed constant reassurance tt we're nt worthless, tt there are always more reasons to live than to die, tt we did't even have e right to die.

somehow even till now, i still think i am, e attention seeking sort who yearns who attention. it's not like my parents didn't give me enough. looking at how my grandmother is trying all sorts of viable options to end her life, i tot maybe it's just in e genes again... which sucks alot...

i've always tot tt there were things u cld control in ur life. by gaining ctrl of one, u can then eventually gain ctrl of the others. but apparently, e all so powerful human mind has a wonderfully tunneled vision & can only see & manage so little things tt they can't see where their fault lies. isit their fault tt they have tunnel vision? so it's like it's u're fault if u are childish, if u get depressed easily. isit in e genes? or are these ppl just being stubborn for not being able to change their scope of vision?

i really don't know.

it's nt like i didn't try. i tried to remind myself everday tt shld i even do smthing stupid, there'll be these bunch of ppl who will be disappointed in me even though i won't be disappointed with myself. there'll be these group of ppl who are always keeping a look out for me & wanting me to be happy & me being foolish will make them sad too.

i failed terribly, miserably. i felt like shit in e end. it's like losing ctrl even though u try. am i still e one to be blame?

i don't noe...

all i know, is tt u can nvr ever have this mentality tt u can always depend on someone. when reality sets in, u have to survive...
on ur own

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

有时候，真想叫你放下一切，和我一起逃走
把残酷的现实留下来, 把烦人的生活负担抛出脑外
不顾一切...

我们离开吧，好吗？

my mei's entry

okok i noe i lack originality but hey, i couldn't get a better description of what really happened @ e marathon. we had fun! so much fun tt we're looking forward to volunteering for this event nxt year XD
sad thing is we didn't manage to take photos, but i guess this sort of experience is really rare, gettin to pass drinks to e runners & stuff...
btw, work has really been drainin e hell out of me. i'm too tired to play games, read e newspapers or watch tv. all for e sake of money. hell...


Monday, December 04, 2006
irashaimase!

i've been quiet for awhile, again.

standard chartered marathon was darn cool. if you dont know what that is, it's about running around looking for money for 42.195km.haha.. quantas, barbie, jie and me volunteered for the event as drink station helpers.. partly because of the free adidas apparel. okay, you didnt read that (: haha. prep for the marathon was supposed to start at 3am so we had to meet at 10pm the day before and blah blah blah. i shall spare you the details about the nuts. heh. we didnt catch any sleep due to some bloodsuckers so yep.. we were half asleep most of the time.

reached padang at about 2 plus 3 am where we had to report to our station leaders. mine was uh.. nevermind. we got our much awaited shirt- yah yah the adidas apparel- and a big goodie bag with only a few things inside- poncho, breakfast, water and a itsy bitsy bottle of sunblock. the moon was really BRIGHT. damn, now the bright white smint jingle is in my head. as i was saying the moon was big and BRIGHT and round. chang er must have been sleeping cos i didnt see her (: we got onto the bus which would send us to our stations. i sat beside this ntu student called denise. she and her uni orientation group volunteered together and that was their 2nd time volunteering.. damn cool lah. they were all extremely awake and zi high. denise asked me about jc and stuff and told me she was from st nicks and vj and her sis was from cedar. the GL overheard our conversation and started ranting about his Os.. how he topped his sec sch with 8 points and denise went
' aiyah, if i was in your sch i wont be the top student. i will be second, because i got 9.'
they got down at some ulu place where station 26 was. i think.

our station 11h was at republic ave- halfway mark of the marathon. it's rather ulu, with very pretty trees on either sides.haha. pretty trees. oh. the roads were blocked so some of us were jaywalking like we paid double road tax. we slept on the pavement like a bunch of construction workers while the 100 plus guys as in not one hundred plus guys but the isotonic- drink guys prepared 100 plus. haha. woke at abt 5 plus to pour the drinks into the cups. the marathon started at 6am and first few runners ran past abt 6.30 plus. they are so swift, skinny and scary. all the kenyan runners i suppose. they swiped at the whole row of drinks and toppled almost all of them just to get that one cup of 100 plus which was reduced to 1/4 a cup because they squeezed the cup too hard. this is what i call SIAO. and when some of us held out cups of water for them to take/swipe, darn, because of their incredible speed they didnt manage to take the cup from us properly so they got empty cups instead. cheh. make us guilty only.
anyway, the korean, china, sg and ang moh runners came along later. i saw ms lee, mr tay and mr goh! (: they were among the faster group of sg runners. if you cant imagine how the marathon's like, try thinking about the lion king scene of the wildebeest stampede where musfasa died.

everyone got bored gradually as we began to see more flabs than abs. all the slacker runners, talking on the phone, smsing. there was this man that told his friend "aye, my outgoing calls not free okay!" so there were 2 extremes, the chionging runners and the slackers. oh. and the funny runners.. eating bananas or energybars, sucking some energy gel and asking for water from us as they ran. of course there were the very nice runners that thanked us for the cups of water and smiled at us when we rah rah-ed them.

the last participant was an old lady. she was walking rather slowly. not sure why barbie said it was a guy. maybe she(the old lady) got a sex change somewhere after republic ave.. you know because of the fact that males are physically stronger than us. i guess she got desperate after realising she had another 20k to go. hmm. sorry about my fertile imagination.but really, she was very determined, despite her age and the slight drizzle. plus there was this van which was following behind (the van was meant to follow the last runner, some sort of sweeper) i think most of us would have taken the van if we were her.. she's a cool old lady.

so.. the cool old lady walked past our station, we waited for the bus to bring us back to the padang, it didnt arrive, we dragged our semi-conscious bodies all the way to the padang, got some lunch which i didnt really eat, got our 20 dollars allowance, dismissed and went home.

wah seh. my summary skills not bad (:
anyway, volunteering for the marathon is what i call real cip. note: REAL cip.
go next year and see for yourself. if anything, there's free adidas apparel and 20 dollars allowance X)