Cedar Blue

they're tearing down e clock tower, the science block, the PE block & den u just dun wanna look anymore...

8 years after building the most wonderful & beautiful sch in Cedar Ave, they decided it was too old for their fancy so they tore everything down according to some stupid "let's keep everything sparkling new" scheme where they happily use tax payers money to renovate schools which are barely even 10 years old.

Nothing seems to be lasting... u get replaced & forgotten too quickly... just like tt, all these places with e wonderful memories of Cedarians are gone...

i guess there were no regrets when we left e sch with gd grades, so full of hope & dreams at the age of 16, hugging our dear friends & e tears just flowed freely as we bid each other farewell.

i don't know y i can still cry. The wonderful memories & people, teachers & friends who used to make up e heart & soul of cedar just overwhelms me.
Rmbring myself screaming as we ran down the stairs playing childish games during recesses,
waving madly at friends across e block only to see them cringe & then laugh at me for being so ridiculously idiotic & stupid,
jumping crazily up & down on the 3rd lvl of e classroom blk when we received our O lvls results for CL,
changing in classroom with e ultimate cedar technique only to duck under tables or squeeze behind dusty cupboards when a male teacher was unfortunate/fortunate enough to come into e class to pass us our assignments,
Mr Khoo & his lovely quotes of e day & very deep resounding "Oh, Is It? " where we'll just laugh, the lovely courtyard where ms leong had our wkly wednesday reflections, where my sis & i did a campaign speech for Lynn with my sis imitating Mr Khoo
the lovely courtyard where we snoozed away happily at e back as people droned on endlessly abt being honest, responsibile etc
the lovely courtyard where we lugged our books & notes & studied furiously just before we died in e examination hall
the lovely school compound where we cheered freely, anywhere, anytime & anyone could just join in.

I'm still nostalgic, to e pt of crying everytime i walk past e freaking place & i'm just flooded with so much memories of plain insanity, fun, & laughter. e place where i felt loved & learned how to love in return. e place where teachers wld wear class t shirts no matter how ridiculous they looked with e cheesy taglines.

We are from Cedar
We shall not be moved
We are from Cedar
We shall not be moved
Like the trees that are planted by the waterside
We shall not be moved
~~~

i think we're still suffering from post cedar blues....

AHAHAHAHA

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm not free on sundays. never free.

it is very sad
that we should let religion dominate our conversation like how it has become a central part of ur life
will it kill u that ur friend is not of the same religion?
or that u cannot stand the idea that u are going to "heaven" and that ur newly acquainted friend is going to "hell"
why is there never a happy ending to friendships between a christian and a non-christian?
i cannot trust u because no matter how much i try, u wld try to bring up e topic and den include me in.

it's abt to end. i'm so used to being so good friends with all of ur kind and den ending it after a few outings. i can just feel that end looming near. i can actually predict what is going to happen.

we're just worlds apart, just like ur heaven and my hell huh.

happiness is....

is trying to understand and then slowly accepting.

happiness is not without money but not all abt money

happiness is knowing that u're always out there, happy, and treasuring ur life as what it should be worth.

happiness is being true, living ur life learning how to let go and welcoming new people and things into ur life.

happiness is within...

忍，体谅，内省，再忍， 包容。

hohoho, bloody hell

i think when u take up a job like mine, u suddenly sort of become a mind reader, playing psychotic mind analysing games with ppl whom u used to think had the absolute power and ctrl over u.

maybe it's nt only e kids who're trying to figure out wad e teachers are thinking. we do tt all e time too. & now i suddenly feel like i know what the bloody hell she's thinking.

and i didn't feel the slightest sense of guilt. it wasn't abt winning after all. it was just venting out the irritation and anger of someone always being anal and den getting done with it. it's like e evaporation of alcohol. don't dwell on the things that ppl say when they're hurt. hurhur because half of e time, it's just an ugly truth multiplied and blown up to gigantic proportions. and den after the thunderstorm we'll realise that none of us is perfect and just because we are related by blood means that we're just unfortunate enough to have to tolerate each others' crap. including my own.

u can nvr whine abt equality in treatment. it's just their way of handling things which they deemed is right. u've lived with it for 20 years. take it in ur stride and den let them make all e damn noise they want. if it makes them feel better or that they're in ctrl. go ahead.

we're all stupid. wanting so much of the other person but expecting none of ourselves.

sad but funny huh

*and then knowing that now've supposedly figured out her anal character, u have every more reason to tolerate her don't u? zzzzzz. confucious is crap but i live by it anyway.

~~

why shld u respect someone who is so irritatingly flawed and anal when e only reason u can think of when u're so damn angry with her is just that she takes care of u. den at e back of ur head u'll be screaming 'SO FUCkING WAD'?

so what if the 9 months that she had u was difficult and tiring and what have u? BIG DEAL

so what if she nurtured u and pampered u with all the shit loads of shit.

she's hypocritical, she doesn't deserve respect, she's just screaming and shouting like her butt's on fire when she sees something not done her way. she just doesn't practice wad she teaches us.

den at the end of it all when u feel like ludging ur backpack and move back to the hostel, or just fling a bowl of shit at her mouth, u'll realise that we're equally flawed as humans. that she had every reason to be angry at us as we have any reason to be angry with her for being so intolerant.

so blow up, shed a few tears, think of how u can avoid such a conflict with her the nxt time and den move on. no guilt, no sweat. yeah merry christmas

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

critical thinking of yang sa min

think deep think deep IDIOT.

i think i become more stupid as i grow up, apathetic too...

because i've felt that debating abt life's issue doesn't get me anywhere, because making a stand in singapore means u're different, & when u're different u're persecuted.
& even more so now that i'm a civil servant so it would be biting the hand that feeds me?

what crap.

so being thrown back into the "critical thinking" class with almost everyone having a faked accent or thinking deep abt any education policies that i didn't like is not helping my 'way' of singapore life.

i think besides being famed for our singlish/HDB flats, we should just get first in youth apathy as well. telling us to make critical statments about MOE's policies? U WANT ME TO DIE AH? honestly speaking, i'm still apprehensive about everything that is there. u cannot ask us to be critical when we are being forced to conform. it's just ironic & when u eventually go back to work in a school, how much can critical thinking/theories on education help u when u're being confined?

sure u have inspirational articles on how teachers have not given up on students or teachers who go all out to inspire that just ends there.
is the freedom to teach self imposed? or are we restricted by the higher ups? or maybe the freedom was just dellusional after all?

singapore has changed definitely, since i last blogged abt my beloved coutry a year back. prices flying up, foreigners flying in & nvr out, & we are talking abt a open society. HURHUR, i bet all of us are just habouring muderous thoughts of just killing them if they step on our toes. in fact, our family motto now is nt study hard to get a good paying job but study hard so that u won't get displaced.

we are just slowly being displaced, and ironically by the very own govt that we voted to secure our future. our governing body has successfully run singapore like a profit making monopoly and this year we can all celebrate our national day boasting of higher growth rates, our success at recycling junk water blah blah blah.

sure we'll still have our NDP showcasing our talented 'youths' who surprise surprise r locals, or mayb those formation dances which are made up of who knows half singaporeans & half foreigners. everything might just b the same old boring crap but listen carefully this time. just listen. when they sing the old familiar cheesy oldies like count on me singapore, stand up for singapore, one ppl, one nation, one singapore, or maybe just the national anthem itself, i wouldn't b surpirsed if e voices belting out these songs might be so much lesser, & e volume so much softer....

bleahx.

way to go singapore, u're 43 and u are slowly replacing ur own kind. way to go...