term 3 wk 5

it will be 4 years later before i can make any plans with my life

4 classes. i tell myself. i've survived 2. 4 wouldnt be such a big number after all.

i wish to do alot of things. but with this boundary set in im apprehensive of how far i can go.

24 is such a young age to be stuck in a job for life.

work and travel

taking my masters

working in a farm

how much do i want to see

how much do i want to achieve

is this the furthest i can go?

and my dream was never to settle down and have kids

to be pleasing mothers and fathers and convincing them i was the right one

my dream was always to leave.

and meet people

to live lifes

lifes we could never imagine leading

maybe as a rubbish cleaner of the streets of taiwan

maybe as a waitress in one of the restaurants

cleaning bedsheets of some bed and breakfast joint in australia

anything

at

all

and marriage would kill it all

 

i fucking love.hate u

i am making plans

for u

for us

n it's more than 3 months in advance

these plans

i hate u for that.

for making me break my rules.

living

it's like ur life is pulled into a sudden halt
u cannot make any plans further than this
week after week
it becomes a mundane cycle

n maybe u throw in a few meet ups here n there with friends
but ur life has stopped
really
how much are u growing?

so this was e rat race we all wanted?
fuck humans are weird
we create a system we dread
throw ourselves into it
n then at the end of the day
use that damned money to buy things to tell urself tt that was what u've been working for
ur whole damned life


whao

i don't wanna live for this job. 

just you wait

studying is fun. u wldn't believe me saying this but student life would always be the best years of ur life.

and i guess this depression is setting in because i sit at my table everyday
with work piling up
student discipline down the drain
and wonder if this will be my life till the day i die

our life is no longer our own.
we need permission to nt go to school
we can't just leave any time we one
it's the rein. the damned reinnnnnnnn

and u noe that somewhere out there
u've had a better life before
skipping classes
late nights
drinking to the wee hours in the morning nt caring if u had lessons the next day

that was life. that was the best life.

so i will wait. wait for the next break in life. for me to throw everything aside and travel again. with a rucksack. just me and the world

just
you
wait