this beautiful fucked up life

i have the craziest thoughts in my head when i start dieting or when i am waiting painfully for my stupid mensus to come once every few months

apparently, it's e stupid hormones & also e genes. cus i found out from my mum that my maternal side's relatives tend to get very melodrama & suicidal at times. i dun noe abt e self multilation part.

i'm glad i told my mum & i'm really relieved that she doesn't feel at all shocked or digusted that her daughter is a freak or some failure of sorts. just that she tends to get a little naggy or over sensitive when she noes i'm down or dat i've started dieting again since tt was wad screwed me up badly last time.


ironically

i haf to keep telling myself that i'm crazy to stay sane.

it's tiring, it's shit draining when e emo-ness lasts for days
it's like u're holding on to leashes of ten friggin bitches which goes on heat every few months. they pull, tug & dash around in all directions while u try to scream at them to calm down
when this melodrama season starts & i haf to keep my emotions under control & keep reasoning with myself tt i'm just being paranoid.


so now when suicidal thoughts come once in a while, i would try to force myself to think of e ppl i love. den i'll just knock my head on e wall a few times, dismiss e thought, smile, & continue to live.

this fucked up but beautiful life

i always wondered if i'm alone

this battle against myself,

every single day, hour, minute, second.

dear god

this war has to stop.

i don't think e 3 of us give a shit abt her now adays.

interesting how we can move on so quickly on a friendship that's built on a year and a half's worth of time. or maybe it was all superficial.

end this pain

simin shldn't care

at all

run if u want

because we were walking towards different directions anyway.


tml, all this will end.

dellusion

she just lost it

she's just not making any sense now

she's just sent me 3 msges in a row. that doesn't make any sense

she's asking me to trust her. she is holy. there is this god word being thrown around

she wants me to follow my heart

she says she knows and god knows my schedule

she's going to run and hide from me.

she needs help



i'm just sinking with her again.

why is this feeling so familiar...

is this funny or wad? LOL

she said to me:
cuz i so God God now
i v scared u scared
i know u mah
u don't like
i prefer to let u die in hell =X
then don't like me


good job babe, ur sense of humour is amazing.

oh btw,

i'm sure god will find u a better room mate.

i'm just dying inside

i don't see how i can survive this

i'm just going to die arent i.

i totally deserve this for making the decision to stay with her initially

and i totally deserve it for wanting now to move out of hall because she has made me question myself why i was friends with her in the first place.

no wait. we weren't even friends. we were just room mates.

and now every other day when she sees me, she asks me if i'm coming back to stay soon.

and here i am, the fucked up two-faced selfish hypocrite telling her, not so soon, not so soon.

i keep asking myself if there's really something wrong with me

if i'm the one at fault

if i'm the one being anal about stuff while she's easy going and accomodative.

maybe i'm e fucked up one.

maybe i shld just screw this shit.

i've been having hell this past few days

in limbo. because the hall office doesn't open on wkends, so i have to wait for their reply and be constantly constantly tortured by my fucked up decision.

and now, the other roomie to be has called to say someone has moved in to e room i was supposed to move in to.

if there is a god. he is really trying to scew up my life or he's trying to send me a msg that i'm a selfish bitch.

friends have been supportive. telling me i'm not alone. for this i'm grateful.

i'm just fighting a losing battle with myself.

and i'm just dying inside.

my emotions just plunged to a new low.

because i can't stop worrying.

lol

travelling back & forth from sch has been tiring

& i've been trying hard to slp by 11pm

but failing terribly.

dun think

dun think

because e guilt is there.

nxt wk....

because u're nt the only one that is beautiful

chanced upon this when looking thru echizen's links.

she totally rocks.

i mean i dun think i can ever be as dedicated as her towards my hobby.

*hides my half completed stamp collection & a whole other dun noe wad collection*

and there's so many pros ard... lol.

(photos koped from her DA and some other users collection. just stunning XDXD )

money making machine.

looking at my jam packed timetable

i'm insistant on killing myself by taking on 3 tuitions plus a heavy weight ECA.

because i just love to challenge myself

i want myself dead. lol

2010 chiong!

怀念

遗憾。怀念

结束了吧。。。 不会再痛了。

~

death puts a whole new perspective to life

they say where there is sorrow, there is also happiness

where there is death, there is also life.

we live. painfully. each fucking day. but at the end of the day. we live. and i have u.

thank u. for giving me life, for keeping me alive, and letting me love life.

bitchy haha

this entry will be bitchy n bimbotic

like all entries

i like to type in short sentences

and try to lace them with cheem cheem words

like a lacy bra

hahahaha

i have a love hate relationship with my roommate

i don't know why

and it suxs

try loving and hating someone

that's like stabbing the person you love

and loving the person you hate.

OHHH THE IRONYYYY.