~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

It's been years
Since i stopped thinking
N stopped improving myself
Ppl always say during weddings tt he/she has made me  better person
I find it very hard to imagine tt
Apparently my mind goes thru a 2 step process
Trigger happens n i am troubled.
I act up but i do nt confide in anyone
I eventually burst the dam n someone drowns.

N because u have been the closest so far. Uve drowned
Time n again.
Maybe i do know what is goin on
But i just dont give a fuck
I cld give alot of reasons or excuses.
But none of them shows signs of me tryin actively to change myself

U want me to b honest with u.
I find tt extremely difficult to do

But how does writing here make me different frm ur 17year old best friend.
I m bitter abt alot of things now
E fact tt i have to drive u ard
E fact tt u blew up on me once at e stupid place cus of car keys n ure lecturing me abt giving support
E fact tt ur sis tried to counsel me abt money spending matters.
E fact tt u always complain abt ur family n how they shld be spinsters while i cant.
Or maybe all these are irrational reasons
Fueled by stubborness n ego

Wld they even be relevant. If we have broken up