5 months on

things never got better

ppl asked me to have hope.

u need to define hope for me cus i don't really know what it means right now.

pain is a constant.

finer things in life

maybe i shld be content
 to be stuck here as i am
 that dreams shld remain dreams
 n money will always be a constrain
 backpacking is for the rich
 for those who don't have commitments
 for those who can let go and not care
 i thought i cld
 but in the end
i just can't paint anything better than this =(

I had hoped to categorise my thoughts but im just nt the type to. Thoughts come in waves. They just crash upon the shore. Wave after wave. With stoning in between. Hahaha. The lack of intelligent post is making this blog crappy. 

Been complaining too much abt the oth half. So much so tt he seems a terrible person. Concerns are still the same. But smhow i dont feel compelled to give up because he is stll trying. 

1 week

29th April

dad had already lost much weight for a few months. we didnt really notice. but he complained of a lack of appetite. we had celebrated mum's day the previous day at regent. i guess i already prepared myself for the worse which was why i didn't feel anything at first. or maybe i just numb myself to things. it's how i cope i guess.

there was alot of crying on the phone. me calling him, my sis calling me. we were lost i guess. 1 year and he would be gone.

life would go on i guess.
life was followed by 2 more days of hiding in the room to cry n then going to work to die.


it's been a week? life's back to usual i guess. with alot more weird additions and changes to our lifestyles. we got a hand blender, a juicer, a coffee bean blender n a sauna tub.

it's kinda of fun, if u look at it that way. i finally got to get my juicer to juice carrots n shit n make my own apple yakult drink. i also know now where i can get a replacement for my defunct blender. we also have a personal tub where i can have a relaxing sauna as if i was japan.

this sort of things sort of distracts u from the reality that u are facing. everyday we ask him intently if he was eating better, if he gained weight, if there was any abnormalities.

most of all we are just hoping that this shit of a natural alternative healing method, the budwig protocol, and the bill henderson protocol would make sense. it's what we are living on i guess. we hold on to any reason given n feel quite hopeful that it's gonna work.

now we wait. n hope.

n everynight i just sit in front of my lifeline, the internet n search for any other reason i can hold on to. every break that i have in school, all i could think of was how can i make this better n make it work.

i'm so tired. i just dont want to think anymore. i just need a miracle. i just want my dad to live.

这个世界上所有的爱都以聚合为最终目的，只有一种爱以分离为目的，那就是父母对孩子的爱。父母真正成功的爱，就是让孩子尽早作为一个独立的个体从你的生命中分离出去，这种分离越早，你就越成功。

是同事和我说的。是事实。是很残酷的事实。很痛。心很痛。很难接受事实吧。一年似乎很长也似乎很短。我不知道该做什么好，也不知该想什么好。就是很麻木的过着。偶尔撑不住就痛哭一场，然后又在继续的麻木的活着。 有好多的舍不得。

~I would have you smile, not grieve for those whose time has come

mercurial

it's funny what the head does to u
how much joy n how much pain
is all dictated by the brain
and it's whole network of emotions

mercurial is what you've always described me to be
highly emotional fucktard.

how do u feel peace
in the face of all these that is going on.

a truckload of ramblings

it's been so long. so very much long

the days have been depressing
but for what reason
i don't really know

maybe i do
maybe all along i've felt that this was wrong
that i shouldnt be suppressing all the angst i feel towards this
trying to change me issue

it wasn't a superficiality thing
it was about what we saw different

and now that u're going back again
life in a way will go to a standstill
life between us
almost
a
standstill

it's e frustration i guess
not being able to make up my mind
i hate leaving things hanging as it is

but there isnt a problem
u wld say
why does a quarrel always seem
like the end of the world

weak

these few days i've been wondering if this was what i wanted

if i'm happier than i was before

if in finding a whole have i lost a part of myself

in trying to accommodate people

i've went to extremes and killed myself

bit by bit

i've always lived life with alot of doubt

because if anything

i've learnt that nothing is ever for sure


but now this self doubt is weighing people around me down

and that has been what i've been trying to avoid all along

being a burden

so now i'm lost

who should i be?

what should i become?