this beautiful fucked up life

i have the craziest thoughts in my head when i start dieting or when i am waiting painfully for my stupid mensus to come once every few months

apparently, it's e stupid hormones & also e genes. cus i found out from my mum that my maternal side's relatives tend to get very melodrama & suicidal at times. i dun noe abt e self multilation part.

i'm glad i told my mum & i'm really relieved that she doesn't feel at all shocked or digusted that her daughter is a freak or some failure of sorts. just that she tends to get a little naggy or over sensitive when she noes i'm down or dat i've started dieting again since tt was wad screwed me up badly last time.


ironically

i haf to keep telling myself that i'm crazy to stay sane.

it's tiring, it's shit draining when e emo-ness lasts for days
it's like u're holding on to leashes of ten friggin bitches which goes on heat every few months. they pull, tug & dash around in all directions while u try to scream at them to calm down
when this melodrama season starts & i haf to keep my emotions under control & keep reasoning with myself tt i'm just being paranoid.


so now when suicidal thoughts come once in a while, i would try to force myself to think of e ppl i love. den i'll just knock my head on e wall a few times, dismiss e thought, smile, & continue to live.

this fucked up but beautiful life

i always wondered if i'm alone

this battle against myself,

every single day, hour, minute, second.

dear god

this war has to stop.