i'm just dying inside

i don't see how i can survive this

i'm just going to die arent i.

i totally deserve this for making the decision to stay with her initially

and i totally deserve it for wanting now to move out of hall because she has made me question myself why i was friends with her in the first place.

no wait. we weren't even friends. we were just room mates.

and now every other day when she sees me, she asks me if i'm coming back to stay soon.

and here i am, the fucked up two-faced selfish hypocrite telling her, not so soon, not so soon.

i keep asking myself if there's really something wrong with me

if i'm the one at fault

if i'm the one being anal about stuff while she's easy going and accomodative.

maybe i'm e fucked up one.

maybe i shld just screw this shit.

i've been having hell this past few days

in limbo. because the hall office doesn't open on wkends, so i have to wait for their reply and be constantly constantly tortured by my fucked up decision.

and now, the other roomie to be has called to say someone has moved in to e room i was supposed to move in to.

if there is a god. he is really trying to scew up my life or he's trying to send me a msg that i'm a selfish bitch.

friends have been supportive. telling me i'm not alone. for this i'm grateful.

i'm just fighting a losing battle with myself.

and i'm just dying inside.