it's funny how my brain works...
somedays, i feel like insulting those who pissed me off & can't be bothered if the whole world hates me or if i hate i whole word...
somedays, i constantly ask myself what others think and feel of me, my craziness, my insanity, my constant bouts of depression & whining...
so it's just me... travelling b/w the extreme ends of insensitivity & extra sensitivity...
and yar... this feeling rocks... to have this overwhelming fear, insecurity.... to be indecisive of who i really am... it rocks... really..
i'm running away from reality into the virtual world of games... cus reality hurts, cus i dun noe what the future is like with these changes... it hurts alot to let go... and it hurts to be reminded constantly of this pain
i met my pri school friend recently. the same "genre" as me.. always high & freaking ppl out...
it sucks to be misunderstood by people, sometimes even by your close friends, it's like the whole world doens't understand you & ur acts of insanity. they think we don't take things seriously, they think we're blur, they think we're dumb, they think we're insenstive.... the list goes on... why must ppl who act insane be viewd as abnormal? be linked to this whole string of negative connotations?
we have a sad life... >.<


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

sometimes goodbye though it hurts in ur heart is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
though it's the hardest thing to say
i'll miss your love in everyway
so say goodbye
but don't you cry
because true love never dies

wonderful events that happened this week
2 farewells
1 heated argument
countless tears shed
uncountable heartaches

i therefore conclude my week was immensely memorable... i wrote the lyrics in my friends' autograph book in secondary 4. today it just kept playing in my mind, in a very pathetic attempt to make myself numb... HL was saying i'm so mature & blah blah for not cryin... haha... it's not mature.... it's just undeniably self denial...
i cried like hell during ms leong's farewell ceremony.... not that she's closer to me on a personal note... she has just touched my life in many ways... she just came to represent cedar... i wanted to write alot to her, to thank her for the countless contributions to the school, however, it came out as a short paragrah which would just put anyone to shame i guess... she couldn't rmb my name... i guess that didn't matter... as long as my presence let her to know she has touched the lifes of Cedarians... suddenly feel like going AJC.. why can't NYJC have a better principal? at least i'll look forward to going school

dun feel like talking to anyone... not even msg... wonderful...
i feel disconnected... haha..
he has been talking to me online recently... dun feel like talking to him though
lalala....
human's shld be dumb... den we will all be happy!
no one likes goodbyes, cus it signifies an end, but we always forget that the end is not everything, for it also represents a new beginning... there is regret, there is sadness, there is a sense of not wanting to let go... but tt's life...
change is the only constant... ms leong was our inspiration, our friends were our motivation... i'm writing crap... headache...
i shld start writing philosophies... but i can't think properly....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Simin's ranting & reasoning, read and bore urself at ur own risk

so....
what can i say... no one's interested in flash... ok... maybe one or two ppl... i guess this bugged me... not alot i guess... but to look at the brighter side of things... i might not have to teach flash so they can just save their time and i can save mine... so both sides benefit i guess... *looks at thick stack of flash books in dismay* *sigh*
i have been having attention seeking tendencies recently...
reason: shall not elaborate on reason...
i did somethin stupid today as well
*shall not elaborate on reason too*
so what's a blog for... it's to state events that happened but not in detail in hope that one will forget this embarrassing event and that i will not be reminded of it in the future...

tml i shall hopefully wear cedar uniform and go find our beloved principal ms susan leong! i'll be meeting lynn too..

my brother is being stupid in maple story... gahx

tired... shall go Zzzz


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

在一个星期内,我已经通宵两次了....
感觉是整个人过着一种很颠倒又变态的生活,我不习惯... 但是就是百般的无可奈何...
情绪也闹过了,脾气也发了,泪也流过了,我也不晓得接下来会再弄出什么花样...
连自己都信不过,可悲吧...
雨后的天空更蓝.... 会吗? 怎么就是感觉不到呢?
私人空间... 我的私人空间都到哪去了?

simin should just shut up and say nothing
simin should remain silent and act normal
simin should not think so much
simin should just finish pw and focus on studying
simin should just live in denial
simin should just be happy


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

ignorance is bliss...
i should have denied i knew anything about computers at all... or wait... i didn't even need to deny cus i know nothing at all
how isit like to live in guilt for the past few weeks for not being able to fulfil ur duty as a webmaster... it might seem trivial to anyone but it just matters alot to me... it's not about the people involved... it's because of the job i'm appointed for... i wasn't even able to fulfil the basic requiements of my jobscope... i'm disgusted with myself
and worse still, i am being pulled into designing things that is totally beyond my capabilities
i am such a asshole
my wr is being criticized, i have a grp member who shouts at his members when he is under stress and behaves like he's the only one worried about the bloody damn thing. all these are just desserts to my wonderful life...
maybe tt's why i feel that i'm am a loner and i'm happy with my current status...
i shall for once sleep at 10pm...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

WHERE IS THE BIG PICTURE?

MY FUCKING MUM CAN GO TO HELL
fuck fuck fuck
what the hell... what the hell
she wants me to study now!? NOW...who the hell in the right mind is fucking studying now... u tell me okay!
i'm already not going to get a hol job, what the hell do u fuckingly want?
i told u i need a break, i'm telling everyone i need a fucking long break
LEAVE ME ALONE!! I MEAN IT! FUCkING HELL LEAVE ME ALONE!

i want to know what is going on.... i dun wanna do never ending proposals, i dun wanna study for now, i dun wanna do my 2 pws, i just wanna get my life back....

crying in solitude.... i smile... a pitiful one...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

this is the FIRST time, i tell u, FIRST time in the 17years &7months of my life that i feel so traumatised, depressed, pressurized by a phone call....
i was forced to comment on my dear's design which i firmly refused and she keep saying tt what i said will be kept b/w me and her... WHO THE HELL WILL BELIEVE HER ?
and she started commenting abt my good friends and wanted me to join her and criticize them as well... i always knew i could fake & am a hypocrite but to this extent?! i'm jus so depressed...

haix...

nownownow....
oh well... have so much to complain but i guess it doesn't really matter...

looking forward to sake outing with kawaiis!
looking forward to after op where i can study properly again i guess..

blahx.. heard they had fun at the steamboat... hahx...as long as u're happy i guess
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

最近一直想独自一个人清静
最近一直想离开人群...
当你选择遗忘...是忘了回忆,还是忘了当时的情感?
后悔,是悔不当初?
遗憾,是因为不能和你在一起?
朋友说,累了,就歇歇,别劳累
我却说,累了,就要继续操劳,想要把自己累坏了...
我,到时候才害怕,才心满意足...
与世长辞... 这词汇,突然间很可爱,也和浪漫...

我不正常,我一向来都不正常,只是你们不曾察觉,我也不曾向他人透露...
我为了朋友,愿意赴汤蹈火,为了自己,却想尽快寻短见...
矛盾吧...

人家是笑里藏刀
我的感觉却是笑里含泪...

累,不管如何的休息还是一样的累,因为这并非体力上的疲惫,而是精神上的劳累
逃避...是给心灵暂时的安慰,因为事实残酷,因为事实不易接受
他要我面对事实,为我好,我了解,但是我还是无法接受
逃避是现在唯一最好的办法,平日嘴里挂着的笑容,
是虚伪,是我的面具....


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

simin is a bloody ass fucker
am i supposed to be happy now? hahaha
give me a break.... i'm supposed to be anaylitical and look at the bloody big picture & what, know everything? fuck off...
just get out of my life.... i wanna run away
u knoe why generation gap exist, cus parents are stupid & assume everything & the child is agitated and follows her stupid emotions rather then her brains..
dun force me to face reality.... i know what is making me so tired & agitated now...
i still can't face reality....the reality of someone close to u having the possibility of getting retained.... the lousy grades & the inability to study...
i'm not born for this kind of crap...
with knowledge comes power, with mine comes more trouble...
i've been sleeping non stop, with my mum constantly picking on my hair, which apparently suddenly grew more messy... tell me what is nice now...
she can jolly well eat shit & say that i fuckingly threatened her.... i just told her the truth... i dun feel like coming home, & the fucking shit said i'm threatening her... nice try...
if u're wondering why i'm scolding fuck all over my recent entries.... it just goes to show how low classed i am... i am extremely emotionally unstable... good luck to me cus i know something is coming back... late nights, headaches... i've failed... now i'm just trying to salvage the situation and hope it doesn't hit me @ full force... or else i can just go kill myself...
suicide on my mind constantly...just the blood & gore to make them go away...
go away............. let me be alone... i just need the music to face.... i need to know what went wrong,...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i want to change blog skin
i have 1 big orh che... cus faith rubbed it! lol
i'm so tired...
i am talking crap
i wanna watch shaman king
but....
i shall go maple first!
haha...
the lame simin is here... the real simin is hibernating
go find her!


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm ok... maybe i'm not... maybe i am...
i broke down... congrats... after 2 years of holding out, i broke down again... i'm pathetic...
i hate making people worry... i hate going to the sick bay... it just screams at me saying :" u're sick u asshole! HURHURHUR! weakling."
i realised that depression is actually a sickness, like cancer... it remains dormant for quite a while before reappearing again, at the most unexpected places & time, around the most unexpected people. pathetic...
my mum gave me a lecture, not that i needed it, she just won't shut her fucking mouth... so i can't shut down my fucking brain either... i'm just trying not to think... i just wanna run away... pathetic creature
i lost control.... i shouldn't have inhaler, i should have anti depressent instead...
faith is great... she made me tear with her msg... but suddenly, i feel that there is no need for me to understand people... it's just a sick game that yeo simin plays with the world... to observe & make dedcutions... sick!
mum is whining again... fuck her... she's just another narcassist like circle & square... congrats... zi lian! fucker!
u dun know everything... & u won't.. that's the human heart, that's the many faces of the human soul...
i don't wanna pray for salvation... i wanna go hell! haha! it's much nicer isn't it? to walk on paths less thread by the feet of men..LOL...
results doesn't matter to me... it's more of how my parents feel... if i fail everything & they can still smile & tell me life is not about grades & grades is not ur only way to live life, i wouldn't have cared.
stop acting like u know everything u fucking asshole, mum u suck! LOLx
i shall sleep in school... home suddenly feels less warm then it already is... haha...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

ard 5hrs more before i go school
just plain bored, scared, nervous & depressed...
sleep well.... & all the best

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

现在挺烦的，很郁闷吧,本来是想把自己给弄麻木了,可两个好朋友一提起,就感到特郁闷...
怕是不怕什么,就只怕后悔.人的那么多感受,我就觉得后悔最难受... 因为它最持久,最令人感到心痛...
很期待这一切尽快过去,让我好好的过一个周末,让我 重新有信心面对未来的未知数...
back to watching anime..... haix
~I would have you smile, not grief for thosewhose time has come

我的未来不是梦

我的未来不是梦
你是不是像我在太阳下低头
流着汗水默默辛苦的工作
你是不是像我就算受了冷漠
也不放弃自己想要的生活
你是不是像我整天忙着追求
追求一种意想不到的温柔
你是不是像我曾经茫然失措
一次一次徘徊在十字街头
因为我不在乎别人怎么说
我从来没有忘记我对自己的承诺对爱的执着
我知道我的未来不是梦
我认真的过每一分钟
我的未来不是梦
我的心跟着希望在动
我的未来不是梦
我认真的过每一分钟
我的未来不是梦
我的心跟着希望在动跟着希望在动

我快被这首歌感动死了,真的我没开玩笑. 当我听到这首歌时,都快落泪了.它的意义对我实在是太大了.它代表,象征的的东西和时间,所钩起的无数回忆,让我感到一种难以形容和无法扼制地激动...
感激和感动....

am currently injured with a scratched ankel & a crushed finger...
am very tired.... farewell & open hse has drained me out
falling asleep in front of com... bad

u never know....
that bahind the laughter hides the tears
that behind the insanity hides my fears
that behind the smile hides a pessimist
that behind the outgoingness hides a loner with much insecurities
that behind the ... will complete nxt time... brain dead

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

because she finds it unable to be who she is around the teacher. she would be probably someone who thinks she really is a good person, she really has a lot of talents and intelligence, and she's afraid the teacher can't see it, and she'll drown in the insignificance of the class, of the classrooms. furthermore, who doesnt look up to teachers? they teach yo and mark your work for gods sake. knowing they like you makes you feel more at ease when you do their homework. you dont blame them for marking you lowly just because, "the teacher dont like me." because the teacher DOES like you, you know you must have done something wrong and will work harder. all these doubts, anxiousness... they're all insecurities...

quoted from faith...

if i had a link to the blog of all exco members' blog, i'm sure everyone will be hurling vulgarities @ the LEP teachers today.. haha.. how amazing. i'm amused. do i look like her pet? i feel that as the year progesses, my working realtionship with teachers has been reduced to basic manipulation. believe me.... i would very much hate to be labelled as a teacher's pet... i dun aim to be one... i prefer conquering the world... HURHUR

a good leader is also a good follower... i'm nt a good follower, thus not a good leader. my friend said i'm a perfectionist... i guess i'm aware, & i willingly suffer the consequences of it. the late nights, the undue stress... because i know that the satisfaction gained is immense if i put in my heart & soul... i aim for perfection... fully aware that total perfection is impossible to achieve but it shall remain my dream...

ppl drift apart... maybe that's what they call be fate, it bonds & it breaks... u can be so close to a person & then all of a sudden, or without any reason at all, u start drifting apart, like me & alice, me & geraldine... there are a few more i can think of... that's life, to embrace things that come to u with an open heart cus u never know what will last or won't last. take things easy.... i really have to thank people who taught me this skill... why choose to be sad when u can be happy? no one benefits more from the happiness then u do....

muching on a century egg happily, well aware of the fact that it might be dipped in horse urine for a hundred days.. shall egg hard boiled egg later

lessons i learnt today after being mocked for lack of common sense & other insulting terms... i'm a receptive person baby c'mon fling me some more of those... i'll take it as a challange to test my threshold for crap
1. in a power struggle, aim for the top position cus u can always rely on ur subordinates to cover ur ass
2. teachers are humans too
3. i have an affinity with lousy chairmans...
4. that guys are desperate & desperate guys get on ur nerves so avoid @ all costs
5. that a person who accuses others for lack of common sense apparently lacks tt as well
6. that ltc trainings w0rks in this sort of situations
7. that ltc instructors should continue to maintain & uphold the prestige of the hierarcy system no matter how morbid it may be... it trains them to cope with these situations

cooking supper...hehe.. at like 1.21am... tadadada! presenting to you, the most unhealthy food u have ever seen, 2 eggs with pig bone marrow... this is the key to maintaining sanity the next day! HAHAHA..... i shall die of high chelestrol

enjoyment cut short by my stupid lamo mother who is whining to me to sleep early... damnit...
suckers....
am behaving childishly but dun care

tml open hse, shall look for cedarians... nyjc can go kiss my ass....
this is starting to get cranky... must be the food... it's making me fall ill... haha! good, just as planned... i love eating my favourite food, which always happens to be half cooked so i'll end up getting food poisoning... LOLx....

want to play maplestory but mummy is stupid...gahgah... both of us are pissed... due to miscommunication.. can't be bothered... sometimes i know the reason... just that i can't accept it... must be my inreceptiveness (is dere such a word?)... lolx...

if i wanna write somemore, i will sound like a bimbo who receites what she does daily... but i dun care cus it's abt my darling blue... i made her wait for 4hrs in orchard & go hungry cus she lost her purse... i'm so srry... i learnt alot today... expecting the unexpected, kept updated about my other scholar friends. their BGRs, i'm amazed... she told me about her personal stuff as well, i didn't know what to say.... i really feel like hitting myself when it comes to this kind of stuff, cus i really won't know what to say... i can't comfort u cus i would end up sounding stupid, but i don't dare ask u more for fear of bringing up what u plan to leave behind.... i.am.a.ass.hole...

i'm so srry so so srry......
goodnitex... miss u lots...
NY rots
think of logs
make me write blog
lame... it rhymes

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i shall write in point form, since i'm tired and i can't be bothered to type
things on my mind

1. lep farewell was a success.
many thanks to first & foremost yeo weihao aka my gorgor
jasmine aka jasgay aka mo li cha >.< who is my the other half.. i love zongwu 4ever
miao miao & not forgetting other people in the exco except for this one or two (shall not specify the number) ppl whom i do not wish to thank..

2. is my english making sense? nvm but yeah thanks to all esp my "darling" i/c & partner... it's been great... i love this feeling of accomplishment... look at me beaming!

3. my dear zong wu... i love eating out with her & just talking to her about anything & everything! it's such a lovely experience... ZONG WU ROCKS.. JASMINE I LOVE U!!!!

4. tml i'm going out with my dear blue aka wang junjie... miss her soooo much.... it's been a while since we've been together (pls do not think erhum... dirty) but yeah... i miss this sense of security... i miss everything bout her...

5. sorry to the twins.. pam & pris cus i wasn't able to make it to our date as we were dismissed late... sorry

6. date with back row on sun!! lovely lovely... watch movie or wadever... just going out with this gang makes me feel on top of the world! JULIA AND MELISSA AND AMY! U ROCK GUYS!

7. chatting to faith online at the most obscene periods of time at like 4am in the morning, talking about guys, life & any other crazy stuff u can think of. LOLx

now... for my other thoughts...
the world is my stage... this phrase suddenly came to my mind when i was on the bus home... and then i thought of the weird dream i had... it was something like a 3 in 1. a hongkong tv seriel + me & weilian + kaito kid
i know i know...it's kinda of crazy... but maybe because i'm just deprived of love... i'm just curious what is a BGR like... as in how is it different from a friendship with a girl or guy or with my best friend? do bfs get more priority? do they get to touch u in ur butt or hug & kiss u while others can't? my senior asked me once how much would i give for a guy, or smthing like what would i do for the person i love... my instant reply was huh? i didn't know... really... i would be doing everything based on my love for that person, just like what i'm willing to give my friends now. i would like to see him happy, make him smile, just like i would want to give to my friends now. tell me how would a BGR be different froma normal friendship?
wouldn't it just be love? like as in a love for a friend? really... what's the difference?
den why am i still so curious? haix....

tt's why u hear me asking ppl, do u think i look like the type who will have a bf?
everyone will be like, yeah? yeah wad...
den i will go ohhh & be so proud of myself cus i dun look like a old maid... hex.... such a simple mind...

i have alot of crap on my mind... i keep having this feeling tt i'm a attention seeker... is a attention seeker = depressed person? what if i told u i used to be depressed, self multilated & wanted to kill myself before? tell me do i look like tt kind of person? would u still be my friend? or is my action here by telling u tt i'm a screwed person with a screwed mentality an action of gaining pity and thus seeking attention? are u confused? i am too... u wonder how ppl treat u when u tell them to truth... or ppl prefer juz prefer to see the perfect side of u...
the human mind is complicated... i'm tired

some tips to how i survive this world
1. trust no one... except for a few
2. give the very 125 look when u feel threatened by circumstances, ppl will avoid u like plague
3. trust ur instincts, we are afterall animals, the instinct is inborn to know what is danger & what is not
4. act dumb, it works, ppl think that u seem to not know alot when u actually know more than they do. use this to ur advantage.
5. act like u're a damn spastic bimbo & say i love u to everyone so that no one knows who u truly have a crush on.
6. avoid having rumours, it puts u @ a disadvantage
7. never show ur true feelings, it betrays ur thoughts & heart, causing u to be easily manipulated
8. never show ur detest for someone unless forced by circumstances. must follow singapore 2 pronged policy (social studies neh? mrs lim i won't fail u!) diplomacy & deterrence
9. observe & learn quick, time & tide wait for no man
10. be happy... if nothing works... just be happy cus u know there is always somebody out there who needs u. u may be the only person in this world but u might be a world to another person. (jianglai & junjie!!)

shall slp... now for a commecial break... excerpts from my sis's blog... have fun reading

i m drawing ballerinas for my banyueji. so pretty.they're pink.no choice lah.cldnt possibly colour them green.so weird.ppl wld probably think those are candyce ballerinas. hahs. then i wld have to draw a male ballerina.. aka junyang. hahas.silly billy.i love my sexy ballerinas.bhb. nah.it's good to have occasional ego boosts. X)) see.. my ego is ballooning. it's floating away. whee~heh.ego boost sounds like some boob job. except tt your boobs dun float away after the boob job. hahas.imagine the boobs floating out of the operation theatre and out of the hospital. eww. i am so porn.i shld stop.



~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm so srry
i can't trust u...
based on experience... based on instinct
yet my actions now betray my heart
cus i know by keeping in contact with u
i bring myself more trouble
i dun hate u.... really... it's just that i feel that these are things that we should avoid
i know once it starts it never ends
then i'll start finding excuses, finding reasons to run
i do not want this life.... it goes against my conscience
it makes me tired....
if so why maintain this friendship?
i know u will hate me for this...
i will be accused of being a hypocrite or whatever u wanna call me
but suddenly it doesn't matter anymore
i mean... why should it matter?
i'm really really sorry
i really am...

so this spells the end... does it?
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

感觉就是很矛盾...很疲惫... 不是体力上的劳累，而是精神上的操劳过度吧。我就是一直想干脆把自己折腾得累死了算了...
就是这种自虐的变态思想...
我知道,也很清楚自己在做什么,对我来说,这只不过是慢性自杀吧了...
刚才突然间就一直坐在电脑面前发呆,想到了死亡,想到了逃避
有时候对自己信心十足,觉得自己真的是学会看开了,晓得了知足常乐的道理.
有时候又觉得自己其实是在自欺欺人,逃避现实....
在这种像似失败,又仿佛成功的感觉,你体验过吗?这种令人感到茫然的困境,你可曾尝试过?
很多人都以为我是一个非常开朗,非常乐观的一个人,你认为呢?
很多人都认为我是一个疯疯癫癫,毫不正经的人,但是你们可知道,我有时候就特别的厌倦自己这种毫无顾虑形象的行为吗? 因为人家都不认真的对待我,以为我只是个24小时都在发疯的狂人,小丑....
我初步踏入社会,看到人类的丑陋,奸诈.我害怕,我拒绝,至今还是完全无法面对现实生活的残酷.
我不喜欢受到拘束,我不觉得我有什么形象可以保留,也不试图去制造任何的形象.说我随心所欲也好,说我固执人性也好.我不想去管.... 如果人类活着的时候受到那么多的拘束,那生活的意义何在?
叙别会给我的压力很大,可能是因为我是个完美主义者,也可能是我唯一能象学长表达谢意的方法.至今,那位老师的话还是深深的印在我心里,她说叙别会对我们来说只不过是证明自己的能力... 我当时听到这句话时,顿时哑口无言.不因为什么,就是因为我完全没有这个意思,也不曾有相似的念头...
写不下去... 华文水平太烂... 脑子里一片空白...
心之语.无人解.眼角的眼泪,有谁能看到呢..
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

ever wonder what i'm thinking during the exam period?
haix... some outdated entries... enjoy

24th September 10.41pm
Something happened last night…
It made me think, it made me stop wallowing in self pity for a while…
“I keep attracting weird people”
Weird is by definition of a stupid dictionary, not normal
Then what is normal?
People who don’t think of killing themselves once in a while?
People who don’t cut themselves everywhere?
People who don’t think that god is a damn weird thing living up there or anywhere?
People who do not try to find definitions for life whenever something happens?
In short, people who go by the book.
The natural rule of life or supposedly this rule set down by our ancestors, dictating that thou shall not lie, thou shall not cheat, thou shall not be a lesbian or a gay…
What other ‘thou shall’s did they set down?
Life should never be defined by the book or defined by what is normal.
As everyone has observed, everyone is different. Maybe some similarities here & there but never a photocopy of each other. Like our fingerprints. Then if everyone is different, who is say that this behaviour is normal or not? We scream to each other everyday about creativeness, about thinking out of the box… then why do we then set rules to define ourselves?
In fact if we follow the rules set down by the “law of nature” we would have been perfect beings. And honestly, I think being perfect is cool & sucky at the same time. because we would all be the same, same thoughts, same feelings, just a different outer appearance. I would never have known that these names, junjie, zhuang jing, Julia, Melissa, faith, weilian etc meant or represented. To me they would have been another human being living in this world together with me. life is a book with blank pages, to live a life is to pen down the contents of the book. As to what u wish to write, u decide…

30th September 9.29pm
Oh lala
2 language papers over. left with 2 more. Half way through I keep telling myself… u’re almost there… hmm
not yet if u count the days we have to live in agony and in suspense because of results & blah…
this feeling nudging at my heart but I’m ignoring as best as I can. Smile laugh be crazy even if it scares all the guys away. Who knows the next day u might be blown away by a hurricane. I’ll be chewing on a sugar cane…
I was looking through my cedar photos recently, smiling widely at the damn fond memories and crazy life we had…. Our lovely Mr ronnie goh who’s haha… schizophrenic (according to our phys rep) later I get sued by him. Lolx. Open house is coming soon. I wonder what I would say if parents or juniors come up to me asking innocently, “is Nanyang nice?” I tried to picture this scenario, and I tried to lie, I tried to churn out of a few nice & politically correct answers like, Nanyang is a school which makes me feel at home, nanyang is a school which lets me develop my potential, nanyang is a school where I can feel safe even in the toilets because I’m sure the ventilator cannot be accessed easily, (or really? What that’s piece of tissue covering the ventilator ) nanyang is a school where mature thinking is cultivated… (ohhh… mature thinking… which idiot came up with the idea of locking the side gate at the most obscene periods of time to prevent… erhum… future breech of security.) nanyang is not everything to me, because if it is, I won’t be wondering if my life would be better elsewhere..
Of cos I meet nice people here, but I meet nice people everywhere. The world has it’s fair share of good & bad people, circles and squares. I realized nanyang made me see the real world more clearly. Because it is undeniably a non top 5 jc. i see more sorts of people. With different backgrounds, different family situations… in cedar, it is almost the same for everyone, parents who earn quite a sum, happy families, the kind of families being encouraged by the government.
In cedar, the principal talks nice… of course, she graduated from oxford. She has links in MOE, she got us into ndp, got us ndp tickets…. All these little countless things she planned for us, the experiences we gained…. Life could never be better... The teachers were great, many of them left the school together with us, to be replaced by new teachers who’s passion for teaching is in doubt. The spirit is still quite strong when we left, but now I heard that sadly, the pampered lower secs don’t cheer anymore. Maybe we need to take a look at what kind of kids we’re breeding now… more self centered than group orientated. Flaming of blogs and created a fake email account under a person’s name u don’t like and spreading defaming notes about her until a parent threatens legal action, then she goes around giving crocodile tears. She never came on Friday to apologize to the girl as promised. I see the ugly side of the younger generation, I was utterly appalled.
My teacher said that I have the ability to look at the big picture…. To what extent do u agree with this statement?
I won’t be missing cedar if I looked at the big picture and tell myself that all this is part of growing up. I saw a picture of just the classroom block and I started tearing… tell me what is this feeling inside?
I doubt I can go on… I was doing lep paper today in the exam hall and for once I was thinking to myself, what am I doing to my love for Chinese? So cliché..
Let’s do a word count 649
Congrats, u have read 649 words of crap…
Did I tell u? my internet is screwed so if u read this, it’s outdated… hur hur hur

3rd oct 2005 12.41am
later in the day is history paper… I’m just a dead piece of shit
I whine… I’m damned scared… ppl say u don’t really talk about ur greatest fears… I’m here trying to tell everyone they’ll be ok but I don’t believe in it myself.
I wanted to msg ron and like complain and whine to him cus I’m sure he’s the most damn free person I’ve ever met…
I wanted to msg Julia and Melissa & tell them my fears cus they’ll always know what to say…
I wanted to msg junjie and tell her abt my lep paper…
I wanted to msg faith or weilian but they’ll be having hist later as well so yar…
Now…
Let me rest in peace….
Shall study some more… and pray really really hard…
I will never ever get retained!
*u’re right…*

3rd Oct 2004 11.47pm
hist paper sucked… ok lar… better than lep but still haix…
can’t I have a paper where I can confident that I will pass? Damnit… such is the life of a jc student
I am once again blocked out from my OWN SCHOOL with the side gates locked… damn u the school administration… damn u!
Did I tell u? my temperature now is 36.8 degree Celsius.. I rmb I used to have temperatures nearing 37.3 degrees cause I always slept late… hurhur.. I miss belle.. *pokes*
Things to look forward to after my promos before I get back my paper
Sincerely pray and hope that there is a god… lamer…
Go out with my sis! Yeah! I love going out with my ning… there’s this mutual understanding of where to walk and how to walk around in the shopping mall… I can’t describe but I love this feeling… it’s stress free! I love my mei! Hahaha! Sis power!
play with my brother… erm… like flaunt to him abt my red alert skills or maybe if my net is working again, then maple leaf… although I’m just a newb… bleahx… I shall learn from ee hui!!!
spend time with back row… I miss my clique… not really a clique but still a close bunch of people I hang out with and have fun “suan”ing each other..
msg my dear scholars… junjie, zhuang jing, chen jing, jiang lai… haix… I miss u guys!
hang out with faith & weilian… these 2 aep people will drive my nuts but I will have fun making faith say with elaborated tone “I… hate… u…, simin” and then I’ll go hur hur and then weilian will blush crazily when we link her together with William and then she’ll try to get me to pair up with my gor who is her childhood friend (dun noe whether is lover or not..haha! Eugene!!!!)
go out with 1st 3 mths a7a gang… siying! I miss u!!! and Eunice and Thomas! Radhiah and faezah! Lolx… fun gang!
read books… nerd… I still have to clear up my newspaper stack… damn… reading will be nice…
watch anime! Conan and shaman king here I come!
write letter to liu chang! Buy prezzie for her!
Can’t think up of anything… I guess I just need to catch up on my sleep… I have pimples all over my face… it’s disgusting… lol… next up we have econs paper! Tada! My most crazy and lousy paper…
Just 1 more paper!!!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh… sorry… just wanted to make my entry look longer… >.<
Oh did I tell u? nanyang sucks…

4th October 2005
9.19pm
they say that before u die, ur life flashes before u….
I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks recently… a lot… I wonder if I’m dying too…
Maybe I’m getting paranoid and overly superstitious…
Last night I kept wondering if I had kidney failure because I was constantly visiting the bathroom
Before that I resorted to asking my kid brother whether I will be retained or not… he asked me what is retain. I told him don’t ask… just say yes or no… he smiled and said yes… I nearly died…
I just wish there is a sign… to tell me how well/lousily I did for other papers…
The flashbacks… and the dreams…
I kept running away… in different dynasties… in different places…. It’s kinda of dramatic but the themes are all the same… I was running away from something… I am just overwhelmed with this fear…
Maybe that’s what I do in real life as well…
I am so scared……
Everyone is…

5th October 2005 5.51pm
counting down… 2 more days….
Dun feel like studying… damnit…
Farewell coming up… I hope it is good… gor wants a dry run before the actual day…hmmm… oh well… I guess there’s this sense of anticipation.. after all we put so much effort into the planning… just hope it ends well…
I hope I get to play with my neopets soon… I forgot what other accounts I have… lolx..
Random entry… void of thoughts…
I can’t wait for fri!!!!

6th October 4.40pm
Singapore’s school are now having this trend! Didn’t know? Look around u and u’ll see every school promoting “zi lian”nism. Students are given a chance to tell others how responsible, how capable, how versatile, and even better, be proud of how humble they are… a recent gossip heard was when this campaign was being taken up by students in the LTC interview… where a instructor in training was asked whether she is humble or not, she promptly declared : “ YES CHIEF!” maybe oxford should change their definition of humble…
And thanks to this fad, we are now having “better” prefect councilors, “better” student leaders to lead our next generation to a “brighter” future..
yes… the future has never seemed so bleak before… “zi lian”nism used to be such a vulgar word, now students are loving it… u have irresponsible prefects who break school rules like nobody’s business, u have student leaders who think that they are a notch better than the rest because of just a position but w/o any credits. Sadly, “zi lian”nism is now often being confused with confidence… in fact, words seem to speak louder than actions now… there are people who go around boasting abt their talents but they turn out to be just faggots who are more interested in impressing people than doing their real job… since when did entertainment & lying became their top priorities?
People now are being encouraged to promote themselves… we no longer place as much attention on nominations by the public. We see an increasing number of potentials being left out, to be replaced by people with all talk but no action. It is no wonder why our standards are going down…
That’s sad… really really sad…

7th October 12.43am
莫名其妙…激动…感激…
多六个小时吧…
多六个小时,我就把一切交给命运了…听起来很傻吧,我这个傻蛋不信神不信鬼,却相信命运和缘分…也许是心里需要一个能让我了解那些难以解释的巧合吧… 已经快读不下了.自从看到朋友哭后,我的心也塌下来了… 就是很勉强的逞着.觉得自己的华文水准很可笑.我也不想在去努力了.听天由命吧…
很想快点和朋友团聚,我已经受不了着陌生的地方了.我就是觉得这一年来,除了逃避,我也做过任何有建设性的事儿…
心存感激…
是因为交了几个好朋友…虽不算多,但知足常乐吗...觉得他们给我真的是太多了.要是怀念过去,感觉上象是辜负了这些人所给我的幸福感…
我读过一本书,叫作<在天堂里遇见的五个人> 作者说,我们唯一浪费时间的时候,就是当我们觉得自己是世界上最孤独的人.
我知道我不孤独…
但是心里难免在心情感到最低落的时候感到寂寞…
自从考完第一份卷子的时候,我就一直在祈祷… 一直守着一盏叫做 “希望” 的灯, 不给它熄灭…
我还逞着呢…
为了明年,我还得逞着,我必需逞着…



~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

my vision is starting to blur after facing the computer screen for so long (from 12noon to 5.20am... u do the math...).... most maplestory and webpage...
this is killing me..... i can't take it any longer....
i read my senior's blog about self respect... i wonder if i have any... in fact... life has been so crazy that i didn't have time to think whether i respected myself or not....
heard before what's a poverty cycle.... i think my life is worse than that...
haix.... will go blind soon... someone buy me a cane for my 18th bday present... i'll be truly grateful

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

check out which religion u are suited for!
http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=10907


现在紧抓住我的手
闭上眼睛请你回想起过去
我们恋爱的日子
我们是因为太爱
所以更使得我们痛苦
我们连“爱你”这句话都无法讲

i feel stupid & guilty... shall not state the specific reason...
the lyrics above are taken from the song shen hua by chen long and jin xi shan.
not take i love this movie (have no intention of watching it) or that i idolize chen long but this part of the song sung by jin xi shan in korean is superb... really, i mean it... (how come it sounds sarcarstic... nvm.. but yar i like her voice)
just that chen long's very chi ko pek voice spoils the song... sad sad.... how come this kind of guy can exist in the world? and worst thing is my brother simply loves him... urgh! that is disgusting...

exams over... i was too tired to blog yesterday... rushed all the way to orchard & somerset to change modem after my exams.... talked to lynn today.... realised that my pw group is still considered not bad as coompared to hers... i don't really get to have a break...something urgent cropped up with the lep web... still doing the program thing... hope to finish this soon

am writing in short point form sentence structures follwed by 3 dots ... lame... i still feel damn tired... urgh urgh... why am i the webmaster? jas is so much better... i'm juz a newbie.... haix

i am currently obsessed with legolas greenleaf of mirkwood (still), asakurah yoh, kaito kid
*claps**claps**claps**claps**claps**claps**claps**claps**claps*

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i realised that i become very out of touch with the world, with my friends if i'm stressed...
which is the case... faith has apparently updated her entries countless times but i wasnt even aware...
i would be suddenly overwhelmed with fear when i'm studying...
i can't sleep cause i'm afraid i will forget my facts...
this is the worse exam i had ever had...
just wanna say a really big THANK YOU to FAITH
for msging me once in a while to tell me that it will be over
for telling me that she'll be there and that i can just call her any time
really really thank u.... i'm sorry i can't be there for u during this period of time...

i really hope this nightmare ends... i know people will say that i'm like so damn smart and crap and that i won't get retained... but.... life is unpredictable...anything can just go wrong... so damn wrong...... and i really hope i will be wrong..

now for a commercial break.....

btw...
MIAO YU LOVES WEIHAO
(miao interrupts: yes, weihao has been carrying a torch for me for a really, really long time already :) i don't love him, but i sympathize him. oh! the misery of unrequited love! don't believe simin - i don't love him, i just pity him, u know? what a pathetic being he is. *SNORT* he's too inferior to ignite any passion in me; not an atom of my Ethereal Self feels anything for him.)
(weihao: miao miao, oh my miao miao!!! u haf stabbed my fragile heart, and it is now bleeding endlessly, following ur footsteps...the bloodtrail is my eternal sorrow...do not turn back and look at me with your doe eyes, for i will succumb and pull u back into my arms..miao!!! MIAO!!!) -> this part, by the way, is truly made up by zhixin. we can therefore conclude that zhixin and weihao merge in one soul and she understands what he feels and she knows how he thinks. they are soulmates and will never be seperated till The End of Time. and we can hence also infer that zhixin loves miao as much as weihao does, which is to The Never-Ending Extent, which is also more commonly known as The Never-Ending Extent :)
(miao: who cares about your heart? who cares about your blood? - and hey it rhymes!)

After all the drama...

simin: >.<

*the author of this blog has no intention of er hum... getting sued for defamation so please take everything with an open mind. and yes, this entry is not directed at anyone... >.< thanks

I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

this is what zhixin has written and since she is so proud of her erhum... creation... and wants me to send to my pen pal... i'm like... haix... and this is so graphic some more..

而且，我好想念我的伟豪哥哥。。。我好爱他！　他是我的英雄！我的豪侠！我的一切！我不能没有他！！！很渴望我们一起踏上红地毯的那一天。。。想投入他的怀抱，把头埋入他的胸膛。。。

and yes... the owner of this blog denies all crazy affliations with yang wei hao except that he is juz my gor gor... please dun think crooked...
many thanks

estelwen