current status...: tired....

i look at her & her words & i see the simple things make difficult, the things taken for granted being noticed...
no doubt i feel exasperated once in a while but i guess to have to change one's mindset about life now at age 17 can never be easy...

"i'm tired... i'm scared.... of rejection..."
so does anyone who lives in this world. we feel guilty when we reject others cause they obviously spent much time & effort to make up a plan to ask you out, & in some cases, immense courage to even ask you out as well. u wld try to put urself in their shoes, u imagine their disappointment, their sad & dejected faces when they hear you telling them that u are not able to make it for an appointment. there's this thing tugging at ur heart, conscience.... it makes u feel guilty, in fact... very very guilty. u start thinking, if i don't go, i'll feel guilty & my day will be ruined by this overwhelming sense of guilt. in this case, i might as well go for the date, both of us will stand to gain eventually, the person who asks u out will be happy, & you won't be burdened with guilt. kill 2 birds with one stone rite? WRONG!

life is never a one way street. it works when it goes 2 ways. so is anything related to life... communication too. one will know, a one sided communication is unhealthy & will eventually lead to a break down when there is information overload at the end which receives but does not give. the same applies for acceptance & rejection. we can't be accepting what others expect of us all the time, it's a give & take world. wld u have been happy if u went for a date because u didn't want to feel guilty & you didn't want the person to feel dejected. u wld go of course, but only in body but not in mind. u went because there were strings attached, because of external & internal pressures acting on u ... would you have been happy? was this originally what the person who asked you out intended to want you to feel in the first place?

we have our own spaces, and these spaces are our rights given to us since birth. we decide how much space to let go, how much space to keep. those who refuse to let go have no social life, forever trapped in their own little world, refusing to see what is real. those who give up all their space on the other hand feels confused, lost & most importantly vulnerable, not because he or she is trapped in a space but more of having no sanctuary to hide when the storms become too heavy for one to bear. by the time when u do try to seek for this personal space that once belonged to you & is now gone, you wld have been hurt, beaten down...

we try to spare a thought for others so that they won't be hurt, so that they won't feel the pain we endured when we were once rejected.... but when we think in their shoes, have they bothered to think in our shoes? if they did, they will understand ur need & wish to be left alone when you feel like hiding & resting in your own special space. to respect your rights, & not to expect you to give up ur rights to accomodate their needs. if this basic understanding is not achieved, and they feel hurt that you do not accede to their request, then maybe you should ask yourself, is this "friend", really a friend you need?

~dedicated to my friend~

* i don't know why but it has been a while since i said i love you and meant it to someone else.... most of the time, these 3 words were being thrown around shamelessly by me but of which none i held dear... today, these three words "i love you" was being typed out, i felt something for once, this feeling undeniably told me that i meant what i said, that a stronger bond had been forged.... i love you....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come