`hope has fallen
~faith has been lost

i see the darkest dreams coming yet again...
i shall confide, yes i shall confess... nt here... nt now...
someone relief me of my misery and pain
blood i need some more
satisfy my thirst
i want death
so far... so far...

see u at the other side of me
if u manage to get to the dark zone tt is....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

To My Fiancee: Faith

~To a Friend
I ask but one thing of you, only one,
That always you will be my dream of you;
That never shall I wake to find untrue
All this I have believed and rested on,
Forever vanished, like a vision gone
Out into the night. Alas, how few
There are who strike in us a chord we knew
Existed, but so seldom heard its tone
We tremble at the half-forgotten sound.
The world is full of rude awakenings
And heaven-born castles shattered to the ground,
Yet still our human longing vainly clings
To a belief in beauty through all wrongs.
O stay your hand, and leave my heart its songs!

i can't write poems well and i can't think very well too... so, i have to resort to copying poems for u, like what guys in past do, copying poems from shakespears and other poets of which many i do not know... juliet is the sun! arise, fair sun and kill the envious moon...
stay happy.... that's my simple wish :)
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

s.c.r.e.a.m.i.n.g - n.o.n s.t.o.p
i actually enjoyed
watching u suffer
smilin thru tears
an evil glee
morbid thoughts
empty mind
love me love me not
hate me hate me not
believe it or not
i am the reincartion...
of the devil....
c.r.a.z.y.m.e

for the upteen time that i msged him, he replied with the same msg.... it was as if he saved this msg as a template and sent me over and over and over again.
"it's ok lar, i've asked the teacher already, he said to do it this way. dun worry be happy"
what?!! dun worry? it's ok?!!
u say that cus what? u dun wanna do it again? u're too lazy to even just shorten the name to just the surname and the year? what the hell is ur problem? even after i msged u with the teacher's reply, u msged me back with the same god damned bloody msg. "it's ok lar"
i felt like screaming in ur face. and i still feel like doing that now.
what do u have that substantiates ur stupid damned msg? u asked the teacher already? that's all? against mine? i asked the teacher the second time for you, i attended the pw lecture and u just went off to do ur bloody business like this whole WR was my shit to clean up. i downloaded the notes from litespeed and u didn't even know what the hell notes that was. i photocoped previous batches of project work written report and all of them are just screaming to me in one whole damned format. SURNAME AND THE YEAR!! u tell me who is right, who is not ok?!
i stayed up one whole night to do this, and then what did u tell me?
" simin, next time got anything just share the workload, don't do everything by urself"
so what?
MY FAULT ISIT? MY FAULT I DIDN'T SHARE WORKLOAD? NOW I'M SHARING IT, WHAT DO I GET? A DILEMMA OF WHETHER TO CHANGE UR BLOODY WORK OR TO JUST HAND IT IN AND THEN ALL OF US LEAVES A DAMN GOOD IMPRESSION WITH THE TEACHER.
thanks man... u rock... so tell me this, whom can i trust in my group, every step i take is wrong, i have to share everything i do, even my research... i take the blame when i appear to do everything and u aren't. thanks again.
what the hell is a group project for when every thing is done by one alone... group project as in one do and share it with the group, that's the spirit of group project?
thanks... i don't need it.
f.u.c.k u.
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

bad "hangover"
head hurts like hell.. hmwrk undone... pe and blood donation tml
my other "brother" msged me today... said we haven't talked in a while and asked me what i was doing.... oh well... rarely think of him now... can't be bothered... it's a matter of taste & preference.... u became a part of my memories, good or bad, i prefer to leave it to just that.. i've been working hard at moving forward that i simply thought u weren't my friend anymore...
lots of things in my mind... oh which i have to discard 90% of it and keep the rest empty for the coming exams....
saw faith's quote in siti's blog.... hmm... love...
what does love mean to me..
u know u love the person when she cries, her eyes hurt, ur heart hurts
u know u love the person when u just want her to be happy
u know u love the person when seeing her just makes you smile
u know u love the person when u can just talk to her abt anything and everything and u still don't feel like u've talked enough

sometimes a simple wish of just wanting you to be happy seems like i'm asking for too much....
u taught me to laugh, u taught me to feel
i see another side of me of me when i'm with you
u taught me to let go....
now i've learnt it, am i letting you go as well?


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

war does not determine who's right, but who's left...

nice quote right... a pun somemore...
somehow i still don't really get what a pun is... listening to a acapalla by tension which sounds... out of tune...
recently i feel less... burderned.. maybe i have learnt how to let go...
i rmb telling faith about my learning to let go philosophy... that was a long while back....
what did i say.... hmmm... both of us faced this problem of being plagued by guilt, embarrassment and other emotions easily... maybe other people face the problems as well but we identified this as a similarity for the both of us... i was telling her how i used to cling on to everything in life, then these emotions made me very unhappy, very burdened but now i don't and am not really affected by anything in life, i'm more carefree....
then faith gave me a very envious look and asked me:" how did you manage to do that?"
me:"i don't know... i physcoed myself or i slowly learnt how to..."
that was something like over conversation... i can't really rmb the exact words that came out of our mouths...
at that time when i told her this, i thought i knew what it meant to let go, i thought i had managed to get out of the darkness of leaving the past behind and learning to look forward...
i was too proud... it was all a mirage... or maybe i was less burdened by lousy grades and friendships so i thought nothing could beat me down... i was wrong...
i've learnt quite alot... from friendships built... i've learnt to observed... and i learnt alot... about the ugly manipulative side of mankind... i've learnt somethings are really not within our control... we don't have to pray to supreme being and hope that all will go well... it's self dellusion and extremely stupid... i've learnt that there's a extent to how much we can help people, to get my piriorities straight... that friends come and go... no use clinging on to what is left of a bond, to insist on what used to be and what will be...
life itself is to never stop learning, it's a journey of discovery and learning about yourself.... it never stops...
i watched a video recently that was interviewing a famous host in china, yang lan. she said that one will never know who he or she really is for if one does, he or she would be a immortal.
oh well... will write nxt time.... janna...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm losing faith in humanity...
sometimes if i wanna write about life i might be able to give a few pages of life's ups and downs but i still won't know what is life....
goodbyes.... they're so hard to say but they come so suddenly to your life as well... so why do we still need to say goodbyes?
i wanna do something stupid.... like go up to maple leaf and strip naked or juz go habbo hotel and hurl vulgarities at anyone...
random thoughts....
i still feel so down....
maybe this is the best i can offer you, i don't have to feel guilty for not being able to give you enough or more than what i've already given...
my emotions are like extending to 2 extremes.... i've become more positive in life, as in i feel so not burdened with life and it's troubles but there are also times when i feel that there is really nothing left in this world for me to stay on.... nothingness....
my social circle has shrunk remarkably, maybe because my class has gotten smaller, or that the things people do here are totally out of my context.... there's this wall...
most of my friends from cedar are still single... close friends i mean.. other people in my school are happily dating... i feel left out? naw... just that i've to deal with this new aspect of friendship which i've never dealt with before, mutated feelings (sounds morbid) and thoughts appear on my mind...
all this sounds like pure trash..
i dun have philosophies of life... not now... i can't get anything out of this life... betrayal? what else?
e-m-p-t-y
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

current status...: tired....

i look at her & her words & i see the simple things make difficult, the things taken for granted being noticed...
no doubt i feel exasperated once in a while but i guess to have to change one's mindset about life now at age 17 can never be easy...

"i'm tired... i'm scared.... of rejection..."
so does anyone who lives in this world. we feel guilty when we reject others cause they obviously spent much time & effort to make up a plan to ask you out, & in some cases, immense courage to even ask you out as well. u wld try to put urself in their shoes, u imagine their disappointment, their sad & dejected faces when they hear you telling them that u are not able to make it for an appointment. there's this thing tugging at ur heart, conscience.... it makes u feel guilty, in fact... very very guilty. u start thinking, if i don't go, i'll feel guilty & my day will be ruined by this overwhelming sense of guilt. in this case, i might as well go for the date, both of us will stand to gain eventually, the person who asks u out will be happy, & you won't be burdened with guilt. kill 2 birds with one stone rite? WRONG!

life is never a one way street. it works when it goes 2 ways. so is anything related to life... communication too. one will know, a one sided communication is unhealthy & will eventually lead to a break down when there is information overload at the end which receives but does not give. the same applies for acceptance & rejection. we can't be accepting what others expect of us all the time, it's a give & take world. wld u have been happy if u went for a date because u didn't want to feel guilty & you didn't want the person to feel dejected. u wld go of course, but only in body but not in mind. u went because there were strings attached, because of external & internal pressures acting on u ... would you have been happy? was this originally what the person who asked you out intended to want you to feel in the first place?

we have our own spaces, and these spaces are our rights given to us since birth. we decide how much space to let go, how much space to keep. those who refuse to let go have no social life, forever trapped in their own little world, refusing to see what is real. those who give up all their space on the other hand feels confused, lost & most importantly vulnerable, not because he or she is trapped in a space but more of having no sanctuary to hide when the storms become too heavy for one to bear. by the time when u do try to seek for this personal space that once belonged to you & is now gone, you wld have been hurt, beaten down...

we try to spare a thought for others so that they won't be hurt, so that they won't feel the pain we endured when we were once rejected.... but when we think in their shoes, have they bothered to think in our shoes? if they did, they will understand ur need & wish to be left alone when you feel like hiding & resting in your own special space. to respect your rights, & not to expect you to give up ur rights to accomodate their needs. if this basic understanding is not achieved, and they feel hurt that you do not accede to their request, then maybe you should ask yourself, is this "friend", really a friend you need?

~dedicated to my friend~

* i don't know why but it has been a while since i said i love you and meant it to someone else.... most of the time, these 3 words were being thrown around shamelessly by me but of which none i held dear... today, these three words "i love you" was being typed out, i felt something for once, this feeling undeniably told me that i meant what i said, that a stronger bond had been forged.... i love you....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

hmmm....
remember the days....
(it was a years ago... if i didn't rmb wrongly, where i crticized lee guo huang for being a crazy emcee and was behaving like a man with his screws lose...)

utterly disgusted with traditional jazzed up songs.... it spoils the spirit... it sounds so stupid....
traditional songs not only encompass the lyrics alone but also the tune... that's the spirit.... and i hate ppl who change it... but that's juz so singapore.... to "think out of the box"... it's ridiculous and lame
and every year with have emcees screaming and screaming at the crowd trying to bring the crowd to the very high spirits.... just like my sis said... so corny.... den u have the boring kallang wave.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... my singapore.....
and the "live" chior lip syncs.... so alive... i feel like screaming at them....

i had a very terrible dream.... it shows how addicted i am to this crap already.... i have sworn to myself to stop this... i juz hope this last...... sinner...sinner....

hmm... so am i supposed to write abt my experience in the camp?
the camp was.... let's see....
"fun" "nice" "wonderful"
i noe i noe....
haix.... but i guess the good thing is the hobbits were the best kayaking team and athough it was very fun... i mean it... that was the most fun activity of the camp... it tested my limits, prevented me from screaming at the girl in front for being a shame to the female population, and i had experienced a storm at sea.... i just love the water.... i love the skies as well.. blue...

the LOTR themed night walk was nice as well... haha... because it was organized by hozefa and because there was special meaning behind this night walk... it was done in memory of a teacher who passed away...
i dun noe... it showed me that nanyang was capable of treating us like adults and doing smthing that was not lame....

and i met 2 nice indonesian friends... andara and hilario...

so tt is what i've gained from the camp.... besides that... my mentality was being turned down to the basic functions of eating, sleeping and trying to look interested... (extracted from the simin's basic survival to camps)

feel guilty for nt being able to be with my fiancee during the camp... or else i would have shot them down with my sacarsm... all thanks to the circle and square in my class, i've trained my gift of the gap... hey fiancee if u're reading this, tell me if anyone bullies u, i'll just kick their ass! trust me... i'll be aiming them at the sun so tt they'll hopefully disintegrate out of this world...

i hate ppl who bully others.... like they seriously have nthing else to do then picking on ppl they don't like or who don't fit into their character profile... but... come to think of it.... i haven't been a nice human being as well... i admire ppl who don't really hold grudges.... these are the ppl who can truly let go.... cus they hold on to nothing... the world to them seems so beautiful...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

2nd entry for the night....
kinda of lame... but i have to hmmm... crap...lolx
it's been a while since i've been philosophical abt life and life's reasons whatever that is related to it...
maybe because i've been alone most of the time and the only thoughts in my mind are study and sleep... which is good in many sense cause i've brain washed myself to simplify the functions of the human mind to 2 basic requirements in order to sustain it... see the wonders of education in singapore...
i wonder how kids in china survive.... like us? do they have a life? i realised more ppl around me are getting increasingly sadistic... it's sad, to see young people being tormented over results assingments projects... and if all these things are taken away from them suddenly, they lose focus, they become lost... they've lost the will to enjoy and feel life... the real life that was given to us when we are first born, to connect with everything that is around us... to be at least human...
what is studies to you?
results? grades? better salary job? better future? what?!
everything above applies to me.... in fact, the word fulfillment has never once appeared in my mind when i asked myself this question while trying to stay awake in the er hum... toilet at 6.30am in the morning..
what are we working so hard for? the advancement and betterment of human race? for survival? for singapore? for a porsche? a mercedes? a big house with big swimming pools and gardens?
suddenly all these things sound like crap....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

我独立在白云岗上,却感觉不到世界的美妙,生命的动力,一切似乎是假象..
惆怅...脸上抹不掉的泪痕..梦里花落知多少
生命就是如此的坚强又如此的脆弱

思绪很乱，也许是因为最近一连串的发生了很多事，使我有点措手不及，也没时间去把这些烦恼一一列下，就一直撇在心里，无人哭诉... 也不是因为没有自己,只是人家始终也有自己的生活,自己的烦恼,我不想,不愿,也不应该拿我生活的琐事去打扰他人...

很累,总是无法平定下心来....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

what have i gotten myself into....

i lost my pillar of support on friday, i cried twice in front of the one i owe too much....
i died on saturday and sunday
i revived on monday
to hurt 2 more people.... did i? i think i did.... what am i doing here now? shedding crocodile tears?
see me shed then... see the tears of a hypocrite & despise me all u want... i am as u said... a pig head.... i am stupid & inconsiderate....

simin is a naughty girl....
go away i don't need u....
wait wait... i was just...
door slams....
emotional...
now.... i am truly alone........

blue

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come