reminder

Dear Simin

considering all possiblities that u haf listed out for urself

this is just a reminder that it is not even remotely possible so get over urself.

kthnxbye

From
Ur rational self

shame

if anything, i m very thankful that my family is not into this religion thing, cept for my mum n her buddha 'burn incense for me after i die' thing.

but the thing is

once in a while when i hang out with ppl who are very pious

it just makes me question my own beliefs alot

it's always easier to follow what others believe in

but then again,

i always wonder

is my reason for holding on so tightly to atheism

a result of an unexplainable fear that i might be proven wrong

or is it because atheism has always been based on nothing

if i lose this belief

what else do i have to hold on to?

because i still can't forget that long pause u gave me when i asked u what u believed in

that long, unsure and awkward pause

before u said

atheism

like there was this fear of being judged,

this unmistakable sense of shame

n from that day onwards

i carried that shame with u too

random random

i can't help but wonder.

who exactly are u

but then again.

we don't even know it ourselves too.

how do u work

without trust?

the attention seeking cheap slut speaks

in a short span of 2 wks

i have been told that i am cheap and that i should treat myself with more respect

and that i am a slut who seeks attention by putting ppl down.

by two different guys

from NIE.

and i am thankful that i wasn't depressed enough to actually believe them or cut myself or maybe just happily fling myself off some 7 storey NIE building.

just my luck.

let's clear the air shall we

i don't understand wad u mean by:

But u seem to enjoy it. Everyone could see it.

At the expense of someone's dignity and pride...

sorry i don't wanna bother u about this. take care

who was everyone? or u mean u and ur gd friend who took it personally?

at whose dignity or pride?

u don't wanna bother me abt what? You tell me so many hurtful things, and then without any further explanation, u go on to say u don't wanna bother me? really. u are soooo considerate aren't you?

you serious, after u shoot me down, stab me, and spit on me, u ask me to take care.

so u sriously thought that i was out to put anyone in a difficult position at all?

so u sriously thought that i was enjoying every moment of it?

if anything, i would have expected u to know me better. out of every frigging one there. i though u wld have been the one to know better what my outburst was for and what triggered it. yet the people who were not close to me understood perfectly what i was trying to say. it's just that they didn't say it. I was the one who was stupid enough to say it. YET AGAIN.

u, on the other hand made me out to be this psycho freak that enjoyed attention and putting everyone down.

sure. i shld guess that a little part of me enjoyed that moment of attention when everyone was listening to me.

i guess u never truly understood why i joined this club for the 3rd time. which was why u were so quick to believe when i told u that i joined for hall points and u went around telling people that, i haf no idea with what ur intention was at all. and i had to hear what u said about me, from someone else. awesome really.

and i guess tt was y u were also so quick to believe that i had the intention to hurt anyone in particular when all i was really concerned about, was why was OTE giving us, as a club, so much problems and why, is no one angry that OTE is giving us so much problems. Why is everyone horrified when people gave suggestions to stand up against the OTE?

in the end, i guess the person who really gave a flying fuck abt it just hurt herself the most in the end.

and u, after all that u said, can just come up to me and say u are sorry AND that i don't understand u. which part of the u putting me down do i not understand? am i supposed to see it as an act of a concerned friend who wants to point me to the right direction? well i guess u did pt me in the right direction in the end didn't u?

if u wanted to understand my rationale for saying all that i've said during the meeting. then what was YOUR rationale for saying that to me straight after i told u that i just apologised for my mistake. Do i sound so adamant that i was in no fault at all that warranted your response?

do you even know me at all?

i guess not. like u claimed how i didn't understand u anyway.

thank u for everything. really. especially for that one special moment that you made me feel like a freak and that i didn't deserve to be loved.

i am sorry that i have disappointed u, in what ways, i don't know. if ur fb status was even about me. haha. i am a shameless and cheap slut who can never change after all, aren't i.

u have been an awesome friend. and i wish u well.

so close to stupidity

i cannot control emotional outburst.

like what i said just now, i just really didn't expect it to come out of myself at all.

yes u're right, i am in every sense a attention seeking bitch, are these are the moments of attention which i seek should i lose control of myself.

talk abt carnal lust. lol. this is what i'm faced with everyday.

n sure,after that i enjoy the moment on replay too

i would always go back later to relieve the moment, but never that pleasure that came with that moment . it's just this overwhelming guilt that consumes me because i always take things twice as hard that wad NORMAL ppl wld usually do.

and every single once in a while, the bitches and sluts lose control, and come out in bloody zig zagged lines on the back of their hands.

sure, i enjoy the moment. i always do. thank u for pointing it out to me.

if there's anything that comforts you, u are not at the losing end.

my debt is always paid in blood and self hatred.

there's life beneath the snow

i think

we're just holding for old times sake

n cus i've long given up on who we used to be

there seems to be less depth then what was originally there.


we just drift on

vinegar addict.

once every few months

i have to deal with very bad security and esteem issues.

like suddenly i'll think e whole world hates me

like suddenly i'll feel like i'm not being loved

like suddenly i'll feel that u're ignoring me

n i'll do crazy crazy things

just

to

get

ur

attention

n i'll get jealous like i'm fucking drinking a reservoir of vinegar.

n i'll whine that nobody loves me n nobody understands me.


i know ultimately this will be part of a phase, in fact, i face in like once every few months

so why am i still so UNSURE???

i am such a bastard.


the weeks are getting longerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

lesbatrons pwns gaylords

things have been going well for me

although i do predict that it's going to end pretty soon with my maths test this wk

i've stooped to writing boring wkly updates of my life.

which also equals to very much nothing at all.

~~

if anything, i'm just wondering guys are the weirdest creatures on earth

one minute u can be not talking to each other for months

the nxt minute u "pour out ur heart" to him

oh so poor thing u simin

now we're behaving like good frens again

the key word here is "behaving like"

maybe we're both just deluded.

n yes, i am still very much peeved by mr gaylord. but den again. mr gaylord has no balls. so i shall forgive u. poor gaylord.

i think i am a fucking retard

like it takes me a fucking day to get really mad at u.

it's never at that point of time.

i'll just take that blow in e face without knowing it

before taking a few hours to realised i've been hit

n hurting real bad

u most probably will know or maybe never know at all

cus i'll start shooting arrows at u,

retorts, sarcasm on facebook, blogs n fuck what have u

den i'll just slowly

ignore

u

n

hate

u

more

i fucking hate myself

sriously


sometimes, i expect u to know me better.

even though we're nt twins n stuff.

den u're telling me crazy things like nono singlehood is better

or like get a bf

no shit.

look at nie, or wait, i'm nt even interested.

e only reason why i really want a bf is cus it's fucking getting on my nerves tt i can't get one.

it's a commodity, not a fucking compulsory want.


nvm. have fun with ur kenny boy.

oh happy day

today's presentation was a high pt, of sorts, despite me being a chin wag :P and a blundering idiot, eating my words n stuff

ellen n hugh laurie's youtube video entertained the class, russell brand did his thang abt e coca cola advert, n we were constantly entertained by singaporeans trying to fake an american accent.

we oso had ms sng with her fake survey of 20 children, which she would later gloat abt, cus we refused to present that fake survey, but satan was highly impressed tt we even bothered to do a survey.

satan said that she "had never seen anything quite like it" or smthing along those lines.

n u have ppl walking up to us after class n saying our presentation was awesomely cool.

maybe cus no one did a project on american accents in singapore before. we loathe it but we dun research on it.

so in some ways, yeah, e 3 of us worked just fine. in fact i dun think i've done anything like this.

just.happy.

=)

form filling form

i don't understand how u can get a GPA of 4.0 and not know how to fill in forms.

it's either our education system has completely turned u into a memorizing machine

or u just simply can't be bothered to think.

talk abt teaching critical thinking to kids


*snorts*

tt's why u have no friends.

i think i'm very good at watching ppl fall

lying there bloody

bleeding life away

and then walk away from the crime scene as if it's the most natural thing to do


i must be the worst friend u can ever have.


tt's why u have no friends.
this flamer once said to me

so so true.

to u, for u.

u gotta teach me how to network n find a bf.
i told him.

u're never serious.
he said

snorts. so true.


if there's anything abt u. besides the fact that u smoke ciggies n puke alot of crap. is that u always nvr fail to say things that make me think. things that are sometimes so near to the truth.


i guess i just haven found someone to be srious enough with.

just another day

dear diary

life's been good.i'm coping well in school. surprisingly. maybe it's cus i was prepared for the worst.

my roommate has been slamming doors n throwing her things ard as usual. but i guess anything for one that sucks ur life force out of u. snorts

dad lost his job again.

n now old ah pek is the taboo word at home because dad will become emo momo after hearing this. it doesnt help tt mum becomes an emo momo with the dad. n the boy's crazy truckload of tuition isn't really helping with the financial situation here. god he's such a leech sometimes.

n mum's asking when i'm graduating n getting my 1st pay. fuck. n e stupid thing is she doesn't want me to pay for the family expenses now. she says it gives her more stress. wtf???

sis has dropped the idea of overseas exchange because of our inability to fork out 10 - 20k. but then again, i guess this would make her even more detemined to get e scholarship which will sponsor her masters in europe or wadever.

i guess travelling would be out of e question now...

in retrospect

i think i was being a total ass/dick/bitch

n

i'm srry

it's a boy!!!

we seemed to have been walking in silence, for that moment, since forever

we walked down that road in silence.

that emptiness, once filled, was just another stark reminder of how things used to be,

and how along the way,

the winds changed

and i decided to let the winds take away whatever we shared.


i think some part inside of me just died

like i was defragmented and compartmentalised

and that small part of me which used to be able to be frank, carefree, wildly hilarious, crazily n graphically pornographic just decided that it didn't want to come out anymore.

i think i'm losing myself

that old shitty insane streak

flickr

i think i'll miss u

everything.&.all.of.u

chip of

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”
— Margaret Mitchell

via twentythree


btw, i'm so full now i'll burst. wahaha