i will not have u screw around with my head.

damn, june is a busy birthday month. hahaha.

zzzzz.

傻B

we shld all have QQ.
because QQ pets is so darn cute & a big distraction. hahaha. i have on 'residing' at e corner of my desktop screen. hehe

~~~~~

problems just pile up, they don't go away.

and honestly speaking, i have a feeling tt i'm just running away cus i'm tired of seeing the ppl here and my newly acquainted 'friend'.

it's either my EQ has been damn low recently or that i'm really trying to throw everything behind.

but what i've told her is true. i dun care how much she claims to understand or nt. the simple fact is that i hate being talked down like a kid. i am nt stupid and i can differentiate whether u're treating me like an adult or like a kid who doesn't know better.

u start talking abt life's philosophies, abt how if u can't change others, u shld first change urself instead. and then e worst thing is u had e nerve to insult my english by first insisting that a wrong sentence is correct "The way to the Big Ben, one has to climb up the spiral staircase ..." and then when i suggested that it might be wrong, u just screwed on my nerves by telling the other colleague that i'm nt experienced enough in this. WTF?!

and ur only explanation for this is that u're very frank & u'll say what's on ur mind. so? u say what's on ur mind w no absolute consideration for others?

am i complaining again? can i complain? can i rant? am i too concerned abt what others think of me? i can't live with this kind of ppl sitting behind me & commenting on every single thing i do, i think i'll go crazy....

u want me to open up? i alrdy did on the day when we were vetting the paper when i blew up when u made tt stupid comment on me being inexperienced. i'm learning so stop saying i'm nt experienced. I KNOW THAT. it's like going up to a blind man & telling him that he's blind.

" jus tt i find lately u seem quite distracted..
easily irritated.. attitude not as fantastic as b4.. is everything fine for u?
or its jus when u are coming to the end of yr contract.. u feel like throwing everything off?
i was like tt last time, and even worse things happened"

of course my attitude is nt fantastic, i'm irritated, but take note that it's towards u because i'm trying to keep everything as it is. i dun like to pass comments because i know it hurts & it's nt within my capability to point out ppl's flaws because i'm just a colleague of urs, i dun want to cross my boundaries.

it's 1 wk down & 3 more to go. let us just stay this way & hope that everything stays the way it is before we both screw up on this r/ship. ur way of dealing with UR students, i wish u gd luck.

but why is everything she's saying bugging me so much? is it because it's true?

rant

now i know wad's wrong with these ppl

they just love assume that everyone else is wrong and have experienced so little

so they'll be right since they've experienced so much more.

so they love, LOVE to share.

bullshit.

LOL


it appears i've been complaining alot recently, old habits die hard. but smtimes, i just can't stand these ppl. ROARRRRRRR

u incorrigible bitch

ok u are pretty, nt beautiful

and so what if u're pretty, ur EQ is damn low because now that i'm having my pms, ur insensitive and supposedly for my good comments are making me feel really depressed.

c'mon, so what if u're 6 years older then me? i refuse to believe that u're in any way more mature than i am and why shld i trust u just because "u've been thru this"? because u love to assume that i know so fking little dat i need u to comment on how i'm doing things? if u're being helpful, i find u a pain in e ass.

u love to the assume, and then when i'm halfway thru my sentence u'll happily jump into ur own fking conclusion and den start commenting on "actually, u shldn't do this" fuck u. this is the first time in my life i've felt so tired talking to a person because i constantly find myself unknowingly becoming very defensive when i speak to u.

i think u're a screwed up asshole and i'm sorry if i've known u cus the more i learn about u, the more i hate u. and so what if u had depression in sec 2? it means that u've gone thru alot more if u had depression? and u're here teaching me how to handle depression when u have totally no fking clue what is goin on.

i hate it when ppl assume they know so much abt my life and den after assuming they give fking useless advice.

i srsly dun give a fk or damn where or what u've gone thru, ur hurtful assumptions & ur comments abt my teaching methods. i know my methods are not good but e last person i want to get advice from is u because after all this, i just realised that u were nvr sincere and have just been putting me down, even though u sound damn positive.

and srry, i'm not coming to ur sunday mass.

up up and away....

MY HOLIDAYS ARE ENDING! LOL. damn i'll just hide in a corner and cry.

but hey life's been great for the second half of the holidays. i was sulking and bawling for the first half because as i've told u, moe ran out of stamps. lol. so their shipment of stamps arrived on the second half of the holidays and thus i received consecutively 2 letters that was pretty much crazy.

end of holidays means i'll be quite depressed for a while because there'll be people i have to face, students in particular but hey i'll get over it. the sad thing was i didn't miss them as much as i missed my pupils in cps. classroom management for p4s has always freaked me out in fact was having nightmares abt it during holidays. haix. does that mean i love teaching less? i'm not sure too.
i've been out with the backrow alot during this hols, lol, very very close ppl whom i can just go crazy and don't give a damn.


freedom will be on 22 july. there'll be ppl i'll miss but i've learnt enough and this experience has been humbling enough. 4 wks from now till 22 july to psycho myself to pick up my books and start studying again.

up up and away....

i want to apologise, not to feel less burdened by guilt

i want to apologise, to let u know how sorry i am to put you through this though we were both at fault

i want to apologise, to let u know that it was never my intention for this to happen

i want to apologise, to let u know that if u even felt any pain at all, i had my fair share of pain because of this as well

i want to apologise, to let u know tt because i, as an adult in the situation, had not done my part well, it had led to things getting from bad to worse because i was supposed to know how to manage the situation.

i want to apologise, to let u know that i have learnt my mistake and will not make it again.

i will continue to carry this burden, i will continue to carry this guilt, till i learn how to set things right.

to all

i know words can never be enough


thank u for being there :)

我就是这样

今天遇见了你，你变了，但是笑容依然那么迷人灿烂。你曾经给了我很多，不知道我作为你的朋友给予了你什么。还是同样一句话，不管我们以后怎么样，我很高兴，也从不后悔认识你。

i have every reason to continue writing here, and i have every reason not to. i don't know why ppl get so much pleasure from harassing ppl even though this blog was never meant to be private since the "common" argument is that a blog is never a private diary. post it up here and u shld also be ready to face criticisms. wadever

it's a constant question i ask myself everyday. how much have i learnt from past mistakes? how can i be better? yet i've always been at a lost to questions from students like, y shld i change? y shld i be a better person when i'm fine being who i am now?

because we all want to be loved? because we all want someone to care? because by not following the social norm, we risk being an outcast and thus being out of touch with others. we'll be alone. we are scared of being alone. because no matter how much of a misfit we are in the social norm, we will always try to find other misfits to gel with.

i want to change because i'm in pain. i want to change because i can't let go. i want to change because i know i can be better.

and then i sit there and wonder if everyone goes thru the same phase as i am. i am already 20 & yet i have problems with emotional management. i am 20 and yet i still don't know who i really am after 20 yrs. i am 20. i am 20.

i think it's inevitable tt in this life, we'll meet up with ppl who really truly care, ppl who are just superficially caring, ppl who try not to care, ppl who simply don't care, and ppl who are plain bastards.

晴天呢？

固执下犯下的错误，以等待来惩罚我，你够残忍了吧，是因为我不够成熟还是我破坏了学校的名誉？

要如何才算是尽力了？我不否认有能改进的地方，但这代表着我没尽力吗？

雨后不是有晴天 吗？

晴天呢？

很痛苦。

so everyone got into the interview huh.

孩子，妈妈永远爱你------

这是网上流传的一个帖子，我们没有办法核实真实性，但我们坚信，灾难面人性光芒的真实，它给了我们前行的力量。全文如下：

抢救人员发现她的时候，她已经死了，是被垮塌下来的房子压死的，透过那一堆废墟的的间隙可以看到她死亡的姿势，双膝跪着，整个上身向前匍匐着，双手扶着地支撑着身体，有些象古人行跪拜礼，只是身体被压的变形了。救援人员从废墟的空隙伸手进去确认了她已经死亡，又在冲着废墟喊了几声，用撬棍在在砖头上敲了几下，里面没有任何回应。当人群走到下一个建筑物的时候，救援队长忽然往回跑，边跑变喊“快过来”。他又来到她的尸体前，费力的把手伸进女人的身子底下摸索，他摸了几下高声的喊“有人，有个孩子 ，还活着”。


经过一番努力，人们小心的把挡着她的废墟清理开，在她的身体下面躺着她的孩子，包在一个红色带黄花的小被子里，大概有3、4个月大，因为母亲身体庇护着，他毫发未伤，抱出来的时候，他还安静的睡着，他熟睡的脸让所有在场的人感到很温暖。


随行的医生过来解开被子准备做些检查，发现有一部手机塞在被子里，医生下意识的看了下手机屏幕，发现屏幕上是一条已经写好的短信“亲爱的宝贝，如果你能活着，一定要记住我爱你”，看惯了生离死别的医生却在这一刻落泪了，手机传递着，每个看到短信的人都落泪了。
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

OMG CAN U SENSE MY DESPAIR

i'm here marking scripts and everyone is getting wrong like they can't wait to give me marks!!!

JUST STAB ME. IS THE WHOLE LVL GOING TO FLUNK MATHS?????

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i tot the paper is bloody hell easy!!! i mean that's wad i tot and that's wad e principal said too!!!

OMG KILL ME

u know what....

u know what.... five months into this and i still feel very lost. and i've been getting into alot of trouble with the kids and the higher ups recently...

i cannot find anyone to talk to in sch. and all this is like my fault. or maybe it is my fault. even till now i know there are things that i must do but i have no idea what or things are just being thrown at me and i have to know how to do it immediately. no one is telling me where or when i have to do them, except for my another contract teacher who is kind enuff to tell me if i've remembered to do this or that of which 9 out of the 10 things i don't know.

i'm losing my motivation to work and i just wish for this to end. i wonder how my colleague felt the other time. and i know that i'm not the only one with this classroom management problem crap as well.

and i know the easiest way out of this shit is just to quit and then find another job or just another uni to study.

why have i held on until now? why can't i just let go?
what am i holding on for?

why can't i just die...

Don't u go anywhere

好寂寞~

对不起。我尽力了。

好幸福啊。

感觉喜欢自拍的人心灵很空虚

可能是没有其他的东西或理由能说服自己在这世界上存在的价值吧

所以当发现自己心灵空虚时，也只能往外表看。

只要外表还像一点人样，或看的顺眼的话，这就足以成为我存在的理由。

很奇怪吧，这种感觉应该是少年时期常会体验到的。

但我都快成年了。。。


每天看到学生下课后和朋友成群的往学校门外冲，有说有笑，有些打情骂俏，有些牵着弟弟妹妹的手，哼着一支小曲走回家~

好幸福啊。

estelwen likes to camwhore

yesh i've taken a liking for camwhoring when i'm bored. my sch stuff hasn't been going as well as i wanted it to be.... again. like u know. wadever. my boss said friends dun like their frens to complain too much. yar. i'm really complaining too much so i think i'm pissing off all my friends. and i'm going to be a typical bimbo soon. assholes. slap me

due to sch stress and me combining my breakfast and lunch to just egg and bread, my weight has been dropping. from 60 kg during march to 53kg now. amazing isn't it? i hope it drops more. den i can advertise for marie france. MUAHAHA

and yeah, i know it's already halfway thru april but here it is. *takes a deep breath*
i would like to thank these people
faith
weilian
chee
zhixin
miao
wenxin
backrow peeps- julia, mel, shihui etc
LIMTWINS XD
junjie
chenjing
zhuangjing
and the list goes on (i hope i've not missed out anyone)

for the most wonderful 31st march i've ever had for this really bad year. i feel really loved and i know that i am nt alone.
because i've come to realise that as we all go our separate ways, we've become so flustered in our own world, trying to get use to uni exams/life or working life, i think little things like rmbring ur frens birthday is really really a big deal. so for all the wonderful memories that we've shared when we were still students and the short gatherings we're having now, i thank u and i'll cherish them. cheers to life. and i love u all.

~~~~

can teacher's be friends?

somehow i'm just having difficulty trying to understand what u've been trying to get across

are we just being old fashioned or is there really a boundary that u can't cross?

if being friends means that u can influence them positively, why not?

why draw a boundary?

how can u respect someone who behaves so seriously and stern in class and den start spewing vulgarities or go crazy in the staff room? aren't u acting in front of the kids, trying to be someone u're not?

how do u teach? how do u inspire?

damn u

damn this place

drop dead.

bang!

die....


effing headache

3 hr meetings till 5pm or later

u noe wad is shagged? it means when u dun even have the strength to walk and u feel like rolling on e floor.

yay

perfect strangers

i have....

over 102 friends in friendster

74 friends on facebook

203 contacts on msn

yet....

out if this few hundred friends i see online everyday,
20 i keep in touch with

people whom i can contact when i'm in deep shit
is almost as much as the fingers i have on 1 hand.

so let's do some maths.

5 out of 379 = 1.31% pathetic isnt it?

and i find it amusing that kids have difficulty comprehending, or in fact, that's how i used to think as well, i tot the more ppl u know, the more friends u have? so friends grow in numbers, they don't decrease! the tot of them even decreasing was atrocious to me, and now to them.

we used to want to meet up with the whole class, painstakingly organising class BBQs and making sure everyone joined, having websites where we could update each other of where we were in life, blah blah blah. look at us 20 years from now. i don't even know where u are, or even what u look like now.

who knows, one day when i walk past u on the streets, we'll just be back where we started.... perfect strangers.

i shld just get a dog XD