i'm srry for being an asshole

i think i've been pretty anal recently, to the point of extremely irritating and stupid and squarish.

today i was just being a total BEE-ITCH to my class cus e principal and v p was just 2 classes away from mine and i really didn't want them to "visit" me when it wasn't my lesson observation yet.

and i think my IQ has been bordering on the range of stupidity and idiocy. choose either one, there's nt much difference. u can talk to me and den u'll realise that my reaction time is not as fast as i like it to be. or maybe, i've been that slow since the beginning of time. just that now it's much more damn obvious.

i don't like the way i am now. my personality seems to be taking a 100 % change from good to worse.

maybe it's because of the students, but maybe it's just because i'm just wallowing in self pity which makes me pretty much screwed up in the head. my sense of judgment is pretty much kuku now.

i'm srry for being an asshole. i'll change. i promise.

hello world! happy v day!

i don't know why i'm so not looking forward to sch. the crazy mood swings & e kids all over e place with e principal & v-p walking ard. i think they hates me... cus i was late for a meeting once and i was sketching the picture of my mobile phone during e meeting.

C'MON, I WAS BORED!!!! and i was listening!!! i think... wad da hell.

and there was once when i tot my class wasn't noisy at all when e vp walked in and scolded my class. ARHHHHHHHH. she apologised to me which made me even more stressed. bleahx.

and my students dunno what fuck means. because frm their hp dictionary which sucks, it explains it as a word people scold when they're angry. so i guess they assumed it was harmless. so they messaged me this, good bye miss yeo, wtf. and i went o.o

they are so lame, they make me angry, they have a weird sense of humour by throwing stones @ me & telling me i need to have a bf but they're e bunch i look forward to seeing everyday. really. somehow they just became a reason why i go to sch. or else i wld have given up.

damn, e tourism market looks very "lucrative" recently. maybe i shld consider joining. BWAHAHA

i hate ppl like u.

i'm tired....

get the hint?

so just shut up and go away. i hate ppl like u.

signs

i find myself loving to do these things again such as...

staring blankly into space before snapping back into reality

standing in front of the window and zoning out into the darkness

thinking about people whom i didn't think about for over a year

"traumatized" by events and people around me. things that i wish so hard for it not to happened has happened.

going to slightly more extreme mood swings

hating myself alot recently

thinking abt death & wanting people to regret what they've done to me

i find myself...

thinking alot.


~~~~

e only thing i've been looking forward to is to borrow that damn cd from e library. HAH!

i'm scared because i know it's nt PMS but i really hope i'll be ok. i really hope...

life

sometimes, maybe, u noe...

sometimes, i think teaching is like having this crazy love affair with ur kids, where sometimes u just need a spark to get things going while sometimes, u need to build somethings up over a period of time.

and now we're halfway thru e roller coaster ride, i think i'm finally starting to get e hang of it, their mood swings and all.

and then once in a while when i feel like giving up on this incorrigible bunch who love to play and do nothing else, u can always count on them to bring u back to ur feet again.



it's as if they know

maybe as much as u're trying to understand them, maybe, maybe, they're trying to understand u as well.

just exactly who are u?

you like to go crazy and be very loud yet u love to reflect abt life alot

you like to be childish yet hate people who are shallow

you like to teach but yet you're getting tired of e job u're at right now

you like being alone but yet hate it if everyone ignores u

just exactly who are u?

whatever

si tu crois

a grp of restless pupils with raging hormones, highly volatile emotions & highly active.

damn i'm nt even that hyper active myself.

this is getting really sucky, because they're making e lesson more boring then it is. and e worse thing is, i really conduct damn boring lessons cus I LACK EXPERIENCE DAMNIT.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

u think it's so easy to be a teacher arh... wah lao. xiao liao.

and i come home with a splitting headache everyday.... damn

tout seul, tu t'en iras tout seul
coeur ouvert à l'univers
poursuis ta quête
sans regarder derrière
n'attends pas
que le jour se lève
suis ton étoile
va jusqu'où ton rêve t'emporte
un jour tu le toucheras
si tu crois, si tu crois, si tu crois en toi
suis ta lumière
n'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes
au fond de toi souviens toi
que je crois, que je crois, que je crois en toi

[translation of the french]
all alone, you will go on your way all alone
heart open to the universe
pursue your quest
without looking back
don't wait
for the day to arise
follow your star
go where your dream takes you
one day you will touch it
if you believe, if you believe, if you believe in yourself
follow your light
don't extinguish the flame that you carry
in your heart remember
that i believe, that i believe, that i believe in you

just shut up

u noe wad, i seriously dun get it when some assholes come up to me and talk crap, like crap related to our class. things like it seems like ABC is doing well in uni, CDE seems to be having a good life there.

of cus lar, farking hell, who e hell wldn't have a good life there. they're studying, we're working for god's sake and we don't even noe where we'll end up. i noe i'll end up in e teaching industry for e god noes how many years which really seems pathetic because hey, looking back in how many million years time, i can "proudly" tell them i've been teaching since 19. how smart.

now i noe why those ppl who don't do well for As just disappear out of my life. seriously, smtimes, we just don't really want to noe what's going on in ppl's life because we don't really noe wad's going to happen to our own.

i noe it's really no one's fault but sometimes, talking abt ppl in uni having a good life just really wrecks my nerves. it just makes me, in fact, us sound like a whole lot of screwed up bunch when i don't think we r.

i'm srry for ranting, but sometimes, having a low self esteem now and then doesn't really help in my current situation. wtfh

You like spaghetti, George?

sometimes when my mind goes blank and i've nthing else to think of, i'll naturally have a flashback of that day. e day when i cldn't rmb anything else xcept for my friend hugging me and den mumbling something into my ear over and over again while i just stood there, numbed.

i've always wondered how much i've moved on from there. technically speaking, as a student, u cld say tt i've nt progressed much. whereas ppl have moved on to a new semester with new books and lects and stuff, i'm pretty much stuck at e jc mentality, studying my $20 eng guide book & hoping i am still qualified to be a student.

but in a emotional sense, how much have i moved on? am i still who i am 1 year ago? where i felt life was pretty much down e drain since my future was screwed. even noe every once in a while, i wld ask myself if i'm suffering frm e repercussions of my cursed A lvl results. or if i'm more disadvantaged then my fellow peers. how do u actually define move on? when u stop thinking abt it? or when it doesn't hurt anymore?

and the most amusing thing is that during this period of time, i downloaded e whole 2 series of DEAD LIKE ME and watched it over again, which helped me become more positive. e many different quotes which actually made sense to me when i felt down & out. e many things which made sense in this sucky world.... like what some ppl say, in life, u just never know.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

George: And what if I don’t?

Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

George:That night, a man was killed by a speeding car and I was there to take his soul. The street on which he died turned into a flowing river of light, and he hesitated at its banks. I told him to take a deep breath as if its the last one you will ever take, because sometimes in life, or in death I guess, you just never know.

TADAA!!

there r no lousy teachers, only lousy students. if u're nt learning, it's nt cus ur teacher's lousy, it's because u refuse to learn. said my dear principal aka my boss

ok i love my principal. my sch is in many ways outdated by it is also because of this that it's retaining it's old charms that i so desperately looked for in cedar. but like they say, change is the only constant.

i think change is bullshit. i want to play badminton with sean & mr chia!!! stupid effing meetings.

~we fall, face flat, head over heels, broken bones, but we must after every fall stand up with grace. TADAA!

it's a cold & cruel world - but u can eat icecream.hahahaha

they always say neighbourhood schs r better cus of e more "family" working environment.

personally, i feel like i'm being left alone in a corner to die & be forgotten. the only times where they really honestly rmbered me was when they needed me. my "mentor" is always so damn busy tt i wasn't even given an orientation of e sch. in fact, i haven't even had a proper conversation with her. i need to noe how to take MCs, how to take leaves etc etc. i'm so damn interested in getting sick. everyone's friendly. u know. just friendly. it's as if they trying to see if i have e initiative to ask, if nt, information doesn't come. so now i'm on e verge of paranoia hoping i don't miss out any meetings or duties, or else i can just imagine them smirking at me, the greenhorn.

i must have made my workplace sound like hell. haha. no wonder they arranged a workshop to help us differentiate between personal blog & professional work. as such, even before i rant abt my work, i have taken e trouble to officially censor my sch name off my blog.
& i'm teaching a em3 class for HE. abt puberty!!! maybe i shld make them watch e uncensored version of lust, caution. somehow i think i've this elitist mindset, coming frm good classes & gd schs. em3 ppl to me is kinda of like so out of the league & honestly they really scare e shits out of me. u always hear horror stories of how kids beat up e teachers, how rude they r towards teachers & stuff. but honestly, i think maybe compared to e elites, they're less scheming & maybe a little more frank in their expression, which technically makes them more human.

but still, i can't deny that whenever there r cons, there r pros as well. so having a corner table out of everyone's sight means i can dig my nose in peace. HAHAHA. like i even have e time to dig. i have sucky half an hr breaks. somehow, i feel like i'm being prepared for nie.

hell i want to get into nie soon. & live with my pet cat in e hostel. heh.

i miss cps. damn.

& i'm addicted to badminton still. rawwwrrrr

can someone tell me why self mutilation is wrong. when there's so much anger, irritation & sadness itside u, why is self mutilation wrong?
when u live in hse with a fucking mother, how do u scream? how do u shout out loud? how do u let go of the things bottled up inside? when to cut urself is the only silent way, why is it fucking wrong?
when someone who's supposed to listen doesn't listen, & then there's no one else to listen to u, why is letting out ur emotion in such a way wrong?
so they say we're the weaker generation, but i really don't care. if this is the only way, i don't see why anyone has the reason to condemn it.

it's nt like we're going to die. it's only makes me feel better.......

bleed


fuck u & go to hell

u're fucking nuts

u noe when i talked to my cousin last time over msn, his parents divorced when he was young so he was brought up by e whole extended family.

he said, it's good to have someone to nag u.

and in my mind i screamed, u must be nuts.

1. he doesn't live in the hse
2. he's nt my mother's son.

if it has come to a point where everyone in e hse thinks u're a fucking nuisance, there obviously is smthing wrong with u, nt us. u r like ur mother, & who noes e thousands of mothers before u. but times have changed, & u havent. so to put it simply, u're fuckingly outdated, & to put it straight, emotionally unstable & mentally ill.

even my tuition student who comes to e hse twice a wk for 1 & a half hr finds her a nag, i don't see how the inhabitants of this hse can stay sane. i can't.

i still think my cousin is nuts.

PLEASE HELP

Dear,

I need your help now.YOU WILL HELP ME AND MY SISTER NOW ? ANSWER ME NOW.My name is Joshua Abbey and my sister name is Doris Abbey,we are the only children of late Dr and mrs. Amos Abbey. Our late father was a very rich man and he was a Gold/Diamond dealer in Freetown, the economic capital of Sierra Leone. our father was poisoned to death by his close business associates on one of his outings on a business trip.our mother died years ago, precisely during the child deliverly birth of doris my kid sister.Our late father was equally playing the role of a mother to us too before his tragic death.AND NOW, WE ARE LEFT ALONE IN THIS EVIL WORLD.

Before the death of our father in a private hospital in Freetown,he secretly called me by his hospital bed side and told me that he deposited $12,500,000,00 united state dollars (TWELVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS) with a finance security company in Abidjan,the economic capital of cote d'Ivoire.

Me and my sister have arrived Abidjan,Republic of Cote D'Ivoire,a nearby country on the 6th of december 2007 and we have gone to the Security Company and confirm the existence of the $12.5million in the Security Company but the Security Company refused to release the money direct to me and doris because of the written and signed agreement the company had with our late father on the day he deposited the money with them. Me and my sister arrived here through the mercy and the grace of God if not we could have been dead in freetown,because my uncle attempted to kill me and my sister in Freetown,sierra Leone because he want to inherit my late father's wealth and estates.Even now,he have forcefully collected all my father's properties like buildings and cars,e.t.c. He and his wife always punish me and my sister, and have made life very difficul for us. The wife serve me a poisoned rice meal on the 2nd of october, but for the devine mercy, her daughter secretly whispered to me not to eat the meal. i wasted and threw away the meal into the dust bin and on the following morning,i discovered and found two dead rat in the dust bin.This developement made me to run away immediately with doris my kid sister to abidjan,the economy capital of Cote D'Ivoire. And we don't want to over stay long here in abidjan because we do not know anybody here and again me and my sister do not have much pocket money to pay for our hotel bills.

Dear, I honourably seek your assistance to hurry up and come down here in abidjan so that me and doris will take you to the finance security company where our father deposited the money so that we can introduce you and you will help us clear the money and we will go together to a nearby bank and open a new account in your name and transfer the money immediately from the bank to your bank account in your country and together me and doris will enter plane with you and go back to your country with you so that we can continue our education over there and you will help us invest the money in your country.Me and doris has agreed to reward and compensate you with 20% of the money.

Thank you as we are expecting your reply immediately you receive this email at our family private email yahoo joshuadorls.abbey@yahoo.com

Yours Faithfully,
Joshua and Doris.


~~~~

one thing's for sure, this person sure has an imaginative mind. i bet he must've passed his creative english with flying colours. so farnnie. XD

let me sing ur song to slp

i'm sick!!! LOVE SICK! & e whole big freakin pt is i'm nt even in love!!!
or maybe i'm nt love sick. anyway, if u watch peter pan, jeremy sumpter is cute. but his wendy has a really wide mouth. she looks pretty frm some angles though. but guys seem to get uglier when they get older... I'M A PAEDOPHILE!!!


e sch is weird, i don't noe anyone there, e sch is small, e buffet wasn't as nice.
oh well. i'm looking forward to my work laptop! heh

离开我的旅行
it surprises me, how 2 ppl frm 2 different worlds can meet out of the so many millions of ppl living here, have so much fun & den stop all contacts all together. maybe it's like they always say in e movies. it's like as if it's a dream. but somehow they stay on u. one way or another. i know he'll say tt it's part of his plan, but for me, i always believe it to be a part of affinity.

so let me sing ur song to slp.

风中泪

《风中泪》

能共那苦中苦
难共那甜中甜
能过那生生死死般般险
难过那花花绿绿重重关
不问那千秋大业为何毁一旦
只叹那剑上血还是那么咸
风中泪还是那么酸

~~~
why do we take so long to apologise & hesitate to help?
because we try to shrug it off.
because we don't feel guilty enough.

Benazir Bhutto

"The subcontinent has lost an outstanding leader who worked for democracy and reconciliation in her country,"

Benazir Bhutto
21 June 1953 – 27 December 2007

"I find that whenever I am in power, or my father was in power, somehow good things happen. The economy picks up, we have good rains, water comes, people have crops. I think the reason this happens was that we want to give love and we receive love."


so christmas is over & new year's coming. once more, i've missed out e one chance to go to st andrew's cathedral when i went to city hall more than once durin e christmas period. guess wad, smthings are just nt fated. haha
anyway, the grinch is a nice show! where dr seuss attempts to tell us that xmas is more den giving presents. but heck, i've already use xmas as a reason to buy myself a $27 notebk & eat gd food.
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO MEEE! i'm actually spending more den i'm earning!!!
i've sworn tt i shall nt buy anything except necessities & eat cheap fd during my teaching stint in BEDOK.
& yes, despite dr seuss telling us presents r nt THAT important. having someone giving u cheapskate 10 yrs old pasar malan stuff means more than just e "present" alone cus we don't see sincerity, we don't see remorse, so since christmas is the time to forgive & forget. i shall forget such a gift & person even existed.

anyway, my lovely young brother loved e crystal heart so much tt he has carefully stashed it somewhere together with his other "treasures". o.o i swear tt no matter wad happens, i will nvr send him to maris stella.

Thankful

Thankful - Josh Groban

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

school posting ARGHHHH!!!

I AM POSTED TO BEDOK!!! yar yar i retook my kindergarten school leaving examinations aka KSLE & was posted to BEDOK!!! URGH!
apparently bedok is just half and hrs bus ride away but u know... BEDOK!!!! it is so damn far tt i classify it under e category of e unreachables, just next to woodlands marsiling.
oh man this is killing me. but like ms yu dan said, i must take everything in a positive light.


recently, yudan is my new fav. HURHUR. some how, sitting there listen to smone give holy talk makes u feel holy too. i been out of touch with chinese for too long. which suxs cus i don't even know how to write chinese characters. ARHHHHHHHHHHH!

if u've managed to read till this paragraph, u must really love me alot cus i think i'm writing shit. as an EDUCATOR, THOU SHALL NT SWEAR, BUT WHAT DA HELL. oh god. kids these days r even more well versed in sex den i am so heck, they already hurl e word fuck at teachers at pri 2 lvl already, dun be surprised if they have sex before 10yrs old. i've already given up on e nxt generation. they creep e hell out of me. which is y i want to marry a korean, & give birth to a korean baby.

& i've been living such a carefree life with my last months as a teenager. 19 OMFG & nxt year i'll be a goner. i think everyone will hate me cus i'll be a civil servant. so it means that ur taxes will be my salary. HEH HEH HEH. don't u hate me now?
anyway, i still don't get e big deal abt global warming. if e earth dies, everyone dies, big deal. no one is really THAT concerned abt global warming yet. we print on millions of paper each day to remind others to stop e cuttin down of trees. we spends millions setting up a conference of how we can "improve global economy" & at the same time hope to go green to save e earth. i'm like WTF???!!! OH THE IRONY.
u either give up e economy or give up e earth. so honestly, stop e big talk abt protecting e earth. it's really bullshit.



say bye bye to our jerboa, isn't he a cute little thing? he hops, & he lives in e desert too. i dun noe why but when i see cute things, i feel like eating them. HEH