i'm so fking useless :((

pls b ok

反思，烦死

心里很纳闷
却说不出理由
我除了操心，也无能为力
虽然知道光操心没用
但还是烦上加烦

也许我就是这样的一个人
家人的事，就是一直放不下
一边在那里安慰妈妈，哄着她说没事
自己却在那里操心

我以后真若成家
也不想孩子有这样的一个妈妈
我不要让孩子为我烦
为家里的经济能力操心
这种担子若要孩子来承担的话
那是否太重了一些呢。

说到底，我也许还是不会体谅妈妈吧。

-----

唐国强在演的雍正皇帝里说过一句话，虽说是电视剧里的台词，却很有意思。雍正要去拜观音菩萨，让随行的探花也去。探花说：“我不信佛，希望皇上也不要信。”雍正说：“为什么？”探花说：“我不信过去佛，只信现在佛，皇上就是现在佛。”于是雍正大笑:“我给你讲个故事吧，从前有一个人很崇拜观音，很想见观音一面，有一天观音真的现身了，这人非常高兴，但他无意有一个很怪的问题，于是就问观音：“你也信佛吗？”观音说：“|当然信佛。”这人很奇怪的问道：“您自己不就是佛吗？那您信那尊佛啊！”观音回答：“观音菩萨。”雍正讲完对探花讲：“人们拜佛并不是拜那尊泥胎，而是去拜自己心中的佛。”
      是啊“佛是无处不在，无处不有的。”“一沙一尘一世界，一花一叶一菩提。”佛就汝心头深处，有一偈云”佛在灵山莫远求，灵山就在汝心头，人人有个灵山塔，好在灵山塔下修。”观 芸芸众生，为名而来，为利而往，只缘找不到自己正真的佛。求观音，拜佛祖，可知那亦不过是泥胎塑像，心中无佛何佛之有。诚然，只要心中有佛，佛便无处不 在，“我看人时人是佛，我观人时人是魔”此心亦佛亦魔，在乎你的一念罢了，如果你看人是佛，你就是佛，看人是魔，你就是魔，在真正的修行人眼中，哪怕是一 花一叶、一沙一尘，无不透露佛理禅机。

for u

i got it from u. and somehow it resonated with me. how u felt.

n i really wish u well. all the pain i think that u haf inside u. i really hope things will be ok for u.

Once upon a not-so-long-ago time, a sage advice was bestowed upon a loveless plebeian: Go out and socialise more, so that you can get a boyfriend.
What probably didn’t occur to the Great Sage of Love:
01. Not everyone needs a boyfriend at every stage in life like The Great Sage of Love.
02. Not everyone needs a boyfriend like The Great Sage of Love.
The plebeian returned the advice with a sly smile and a shrug. Oh, you poor clueless creature. You don’t know anything at all, do you?

so fking sick of all this projects

自己的笑容

i nearly tot i cld depend on u
but what both of us cldn't understand
was that my insecurities were a result of u
not because i can't trust u
or maybe it's exactly due to the fact that i cant totally trust u
u patience wore thin
as i kept pushing u to the edge
i don't know how much u know of me now
how much of it is misunderstood
how much of it is just me being blind to myself
but i guess i shld stop explaining


happiness

can never be given to u by someone else.
only u
can pull urself out of the hell hole.
again and again
maybe tt's something u haf to deal with.
it is a part of who u are
let ur face wear the smile that u've made for urself, not anyone else.
it
would
fit
perfectly :)

u've told urself before

sometimes u forget pain
n u feel that it's something so unbearable
that u'll do anything to avoid it

guess what.
u've been through worse
u've cut n bled
u've run n fled
people have hurt u time and again
but they haven't killed u
they can never kill u

u've told urself before
what's worse den dying
unless u haven lived before.

3am, n i let my thoughts run wild. darkness, it has been awhile

it was a blog post

that triggered off insecurities

that triggered off the reconnection that i thought was long lost

n in a way i feel guilty 

because 

maybe 

all along while i've let go of what i thought was lost

u held on. silently.

believing that i was holding on to the other end of that bond that we shared.

the process of accomodating n assimilating
is like breaking down the thick walls of ur comfort zone
to let someone in.
u start to think if everything abt u is wrong
so fking imperfect
u cld just kill urself.
n u wonder if everyone is blind
to even  call u a friend.

shit these insecurities.

still i need to change. i've been making u more upset than i shld :(

stop being childishnirritatingngrowup

patience.

maybe it is in human nature to want to share.
those emotions pent up inside
what they saw, what they heard, their worries, their troubles, their hurt, their secrets, their anger.

sometimes i wish i had more patience with u
i am trying
n i am failing

no excuses. i just have to try harder.
to be a better person for u

花很迷惘

还有些想逃 虽然有预感应该逃不了
爱或不爱都一样苦恼 花不够灿烂我不要
我能给你多少 还要为你变得多计较
为何渴望燃烧又害怕拥抱

I must go down to the seas again

 I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

bad girl. :(

sometimes i say things that are terrible
even though i don't mean it at all
but the damange is done
i can feel ur hurt
i think
that silent hurt
i'm srry.

i wonder why i even haf frens at all
i'm good at losing them
terrible terrible simin :((

mad.ness

i wld wake up at ard 8 or 9 everyday

just to see if u're awake on the other end of the world

this is madness.

i'm going crazy.

i.hate.this.

Live Laugh Love :) the little random inspirations

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

ideas down heads

i wonder if most of the time
if u're even aware
that u're forcing ideas down heads
to get
what
you
want.
planting ideas.
push n
prod
push
n prod
until one fine day,
she's at e edge.
one final push.
she falls or flies.
u'd be there.
straight into ur arms

well u got it. congrats

i wonder if it's out of concern

i wonder if it's with all sisters

i wonder if u hate him so much
that u wish for this to not work out

i wonder.

close ur eyes. let go. n u’ll be with me?

close ur eyes. let go. will u still stay beside me?

beauty in simplicity

i love simple

so little detail

so raw

so classy

of all the things

it came and gave me so much hope

but thru the cracks i caught a glimpse of what it truly was

“i want you,
but we cant last forever”

it whispered

n then it filled me with despair.

u’re such a jerk

ramble

the fear is no longer as strong
but
i'm still scared.

why?

pretty ugly

most of the time i wonder if the + 2 hrs is killing me or keeping me alive

some times i wonder if u're real

the rest of the time, i'd just close my eyes & wish really hard tt u'll appear in front of me so that i won't think that i'm some delusional madhouse

most of the time i wonder if i know u

any of u at all

the deep dark secrets

the judgmental frowns

we've stopped looking surprised

we've stopped feeling impressed

just so we cld just sink wearily into this world

hoping tt some meaning cld keep us afloat

cliques, groups, ambiguous touches and stares

glitz and glamour

the different coloured lights reflected off that glitter

just brings out the prettiest n ugliest side of us

all
of
us

i hate

i hate
waiting
it doesnt bring u happiness
so the waiting stopped
n other reasons n interests were found
but nthing ever stays the way u plan it to be
n they say that life always hits u with e things u least expect it


i hate
being so long winded in my post
i prefer to write in short sentences really
abstract, general, brief

i hate
the wild accusations n baseless assumptions u make
u, all of u
that i wld just give in to any guy tt comes along
or that i wld need a guy to live my life
& i'd sit there quietly,
helpless n
let u make assumptions of what i possibly would n could have done

& we wait for the future to arrive
rubbish really.
random shit