A Dream

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbows will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true


i had a wonderful dream yest... pls make it come true... plsplsplsplspls

insomnia

i woke up @ 1a.m. with britney spear's 'circus' playing in my head...

the fucking continuous loops just wldn't stop. i wanted to cry...

i hate insomnia...

and now i'm addicted to facebook's restaurant city. HAHA

EXAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WOOHOOOOO....

pride

it is pride that makes u pass judgment on others

and it is pride too that will bring about ur downfall...

yang sa min, have some humility pls

a botlle of chicken essence. i am advertising. XD

a bottle of ji jing, with paper strewn all over the table, a laptop in the background, 4 windows on Microsoft word, one half done, one done to facilitate copying, the other two just random lines copied from here and there, the wall - e mug on the right with a cute hand drawn birthday card stuffed into it and a barney happy birthday party hat.

this is a crime scene. no one died.

it's 4am. i am brain dead. and have only written 870 out of 2000 words. if the look at it positively, 1500 is the min so life's not tt bad.

damn u for doing last min work. HAHA.

the party hat looks extremely forlorn on my table. but i can still smile from the events that happened two days ago. haha. the insanity of living in a hall, 4 people squeezing on the bed with me slping with face pressed against the wall so that my poor friends could sleep on whatever is left of the space on the bed. e insane cake made up of M&Ms (courtesy of my roommate) with 3 big candles?? HAHA. before i know it, i'm 30! LOL.

and e flooding of messages in my hp, my facebook, email from surprise surprise, my long lost US friend. HAHA. and there're farnnie ppl who keep wishing me happy birthday with exclamation marks again and again like they've caught an infectious diseases of happiness and they need to spread it me. i love them.

& my roommate and NIE mates bought me a day pack for my trip! i love my roomie lots and lots. haha. no wonder her bf was grinning farnniely when he wished me happy bday in e afternoon. LOL. the surprise home cooked meal didn't managed to make it's appearance in the end cus my roommate overslept. HAHA. but still, it was lovely.

it was MY day. LOL. they made sure i felt and understood that. even the lousy test didn't dampen my mood. and i'm so thankful for them. i tot i wld just rot in my hall on my 21st since most of e celebration was done over e wkends.

i'm still brimming with e overwhelming love u all gave me.
T H A N K Y O U

maybe adulthood wldn't be so bad after all. =)

normal

“My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not neccessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.”

Aunt Frances, from the movie “Practical Magic”

got this from my fren's blog. =)

Different intonation ?

now this exercise requires u to have 2 mentalities and two tones.

1. matter of factly tone: she is stupid/i dont approve of her way of educating children.

2. bitching tone: she is stupid/i dont approve of her way of educating children.

wad's e difference? sriously? i dun noe.

it looks e friggin same to me.

it doesn't matter what kind of mentality u have or what kind of tone u have when u're talking abt e context. if u're using a negative word or passing a negative comment, either way it's just criticising, it's passing a statement of judgement. u give value. what gives u the right to give value to someone or someone's behaviour?

sometimes, it's just e way ppl are, tt's e way they think is best for their child.

and no, i dun even expect my mum to change. it's a very sad thing but true. i've lived with her for a hell of 20 years. she's going 50 this year. her values, her beliefs, her temper is smthing that has been with her for 50 years. she's definitely been thru alot more den i have and these beliefs are smthing tt come with it. even though it fits e fucking mentality of most singaporean mothers, and can be easily represented in e movie i not stupid, it is utltimately who she is. i can't tell her, nor i can't expect ppl to tell her tt appraising ur child's "worth" through other means like ablility to do well in other non academic subjects is also a benchmark to show tt ur child is not stupid.

smart, defined by e society as getting As, if not getting into a local uni, getting a scholarship, is something tt is drilled into all of us. hell yeah i wld think tt a child is stupid if he/she can't do well in exams. ironically, it's how i judge my brother sometimes.

maybe all this while, it wasn't even my mum's expectations on me or her putting too much pressure on me. it might just be myself trying so hard to do well so that i cld make them proud of me again, like a pri sch kid showing my parents tt i got 1st and den watching them smile.

maybe it's this fucking elitist attitude that i have with me, that my institution is a second class institution cus we dun get a "pure" degree, we are slaves to e institution, & we are so helpless when oppressed. any fucking thing tt involves a warning letter,a bad record, it just mean that we're one step closer to hell, bankruptcy and breaking e bond. we just study, so that we may get a higher salary if we hit above 3.5. fucking mindless. and i'm one of them too.

so really, i thank u for ur concern. i am normal, i think. it's not a curse of e whole extended family nor is it up to jesus to salvage e situation. it is genetic, and heridatry tt we are born a emotional bunch, bordering on e range of bipolarism & that we have a really bad temper if provoked. it's like lions kill animals to eat their flesh. if lions thought it was a curse, they wld all be christians or have killed themselves by now.

just dun make it sound like it's her fault.

e ups & downs

i'm pretty much screwed cus i have an assignment due mon and wed and i have not done a damn thing.

& it is effing 3am. i am drained.

and i have not studied my japanese as well. i dun noe wad is going on in class. LOLLOL.

damn tt stupid test on my bday. why e hell must it be on 31st?? URGH.

and julia is going thru e hard time for her attachment too... i wish there was smthing i could do....

we are all depressed, worn out. we need rest from this world..



weary...


pls dun let me fall. pls be strong.

always on my mind

guess i can be pretty much possessive if i'm desperate / jealous.

if anything, i blame it on my all girls secondary sch history... haha. but then again i wldn't trade anything in this world for that 4 years there really. it's been so long...

but i guess once u get over e notion that e world doesn't centre ard u, u really cldn't care less & den ur live really goes on.

like e river...


i wish u happiness... really... even though we're worlds apart now.

i'm so over guys now. haha. ohmmmmmm

YESH! YESH! YESH!

Yosh my new blog created from an old abandoned blog for my upcoming trip! HOHO

ok la, i'm just excited ok. like gin nah like tt. nvr grow up. tsktsk.

MUAHAHA

simin loves rose and cousins. <3

lol u wld nvr see this on my msn post.

because rose is reading my msn blog. HAHA ok la. i shall stop making fun of rose. rose is my cousin. LOL. really? really! really i nvr bluff u. HAHA

did u just experience e effects of a word being repeated so many times. it becomes e opposite of what it's supposed to mean.

but when u say i love u so many times does it still mean e same thing?

there was once i got really sick of it. i got very sick of calling ppl babe, darling, honey.

i wanted to be normal. to be sane. i was tired of myself. of my stupid antics of trying to make ppl squirm and den laugh. it's like i cld just die without laughter. it's like i cld die if i was less insane. i didn't want to be a clown. i hate being loud. yet i cldn't live without it...

and i didn't noe my msn blog can cause such a commotion among my cousins really. u mean u didn't noe i wasn't normal? u mean u didn't noe my mum is not normal too? oh wait, it just runs in e family. i shld have known tt was normal and not complain abt it & make it sound so abnormal. i noe they care. & i'm truly thankful that they care so much so that they had to remind my mum to give my less pressure before i jump off e building or walk into e middle of e road.

i think less abt suicide now. it used to cross my mind alot, which i felt was normal when anyone's depressed or insane like me.

if anything, it was everyone's love that kept me alive. i wasn't e strongest in e food chain. and i fell.. down down down.. i figure i'm somewhere in e middle now, so i shld be happy cus there's always someone worse off, and i have no reason to run away from what life has to offer till july when i have my backpacking. HAHA. other than that maybe life will be pretty boring. HAHA. ok jking.

i feel like setting up another blog for backpacking. and den whine abt how i wanna go alone into italy and get mugged. LOL. simin has nthing but guts. simin will come back alive even if she has to travel alone. =)

randomness

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

just tot it was pretty accurate for myself @ some parts. HAHA. SOME PARTS ONLY OK! look @ e bolded parts.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. (yes i'm very sweet! HAHA! LOL.) You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict.(very true) Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. (dun noe, nvr been there. HAHA)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. (everyone tells me this, EVERY ONE AND EVERYTIME OK? so it's true? LOL)

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (HAHA! YAR RITE. I WISH ON MY DISH LOL)

Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job. (not true! unless hmmm teaching is Unusual... it's not, its just pervertic. HAHA)

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (YOSH iron rice bowl!)

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (Too late, bonded, talk to me 8 yrs later)

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel. (SO DAMN TRUE OK! LOL. i'm such a control freak who on top of that is highly emotionally unstable. HAHA. so screwed.)


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

rose

god came to me today.

addendum 15march:

& i told him he got e wrong number.

Libera makes me cry... again...

And when the end of day has come,
Stay with me through the dark and bring me home.

Libera!

YOSH! hahaha my lovely pedophilia tendencies are back!

Libera is out with their new album ~ Eternal!

even though they've decided to dump all e songs from e previous albums to this CD, i'm still looking out for their new tracks.. even though there's only 4

*^#$(*)&P#%* e producer

well.. it's better den nthing...

Libera is still keeping me alive...

FAITH & LIAN I"M SO GONNA SEND NEW SONGS TO EUUU! HAHAHA.

and i dun noe why ants are crawling all over me today. i've already killed 4. maybe i'm sweet.. hehe only for today :P

cuz i dun know u anymore...

i don't know why i still mark down ur birthday on my calendar...

year after year...

even though we dun talk to each other anymore...

hurt

studying was nvr my forte...

and it's really sad because i cldn't really branch out to things i think i'm good at...

ppl wld be less impressed if i was good at driving den if i was better at studying & become a A producing machine.

my sis did well for her As.

at least anyone cld have done better den me.

what's more to us den grades?

at least i have one that made me proud with ur ability to study and ur grades. what do u mean at least?

u mean u were less proud of me because of that? u didn't have to say sorry. i was lying if tt didn't hurt.

why?

is it my destiny?

that ppl like to confess to me that they have felt suicidal, went to IMH before, and felt like no one understood them.

and it's not just one confession from one person alone.

it's always the same reasons...

what's their take on life...

why are they so willing to share?

why am i always e one to hear it...

live on

i cannot live for god, because his existence is questionable

i cannot live for u, because things happen, people change and u might leave me

i cannot live for my parents, because they will move ahead of me when their time comes

i cannot live for myself for that would be selfish as my heart cannot accommodate anyone one else

i cannot live for love, for love fails, heartbreak kills, and it is not forever.

i cannot live for the memories or friends that have come to past, for they are gone and will not come back to me no matter how much i wish for them

i live and let my actions be guided by what i've been taught is good, if there's anything that ppl can judge me by, it is through one's virtue.

so please let me have a heart that will love, accept failures, differences, betrayal, death and separation and not judge people because i have no right to do so.

let me have a clear conscience so that i will not falter in my sincerity towards friends and family, be responsible to those i love and those who love me, and i will not be bitter about what life has not given me but treasure what experience has taught me.

pls forgive me if i've done anything wrong... i'm trying hard...

.heart.conscience.live.on.

divine revelation?
just because e sun was shining on me.
stupid photo. HAHA

the dummies guide to going bonkers

when constant worrying since last wk becomes a fucking heavy load dragging u into e abyss

depression comes nxt

then u seek help

u scream and shout online

vulgarities and all. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

dem u ask someone to go to e doc with u

resist e urge to slit urself and go nuts

resist resist resist e fucking urge

breath normally, stop e fucking asthma

slppppppp

tml is always a better day, ignoring e damn fact that u're struggling to stay alive swimming with e fucking grades.

verbal diarrhoea

i'd rather not exist

paranoia

fear, of the unknown. it's always abt what u think, & what i think i might have done wrong.
or maybe there is nthing even wrong abt it.

i wish i knew.
i wish i can describe myself in simple words.

i'm always on e edge, ready to fall, ready to spin out of control...

what are we all made up of? and what do we all seek in life?
is there a common ground?
am i living life the right way? what if all this while i've been a totally asshole with ppl hating me n i'm in total obliviousness

and it bugs me alot, because i dun really like myself now-a-days...

i'm becoming someone worse... i'm becoming someone i hate...

i'd rather be nothingness.... i'd rather not exist.