being happy is being delusional

being depressed is being way too realistic & paranoid

going places...

how i wish i could be u smtimes...

but maybe my life isn't tt bad too. if money and intelligence weren't in e equation...

WOOFBALLS

e idea of relationships is weird

it's unimaginably indescribably weird.

maybe because i'm just gay & i fall in love with things that are non-existent aka jdrama actors/actresses

of course e idea image everyone has in their mind would be a happily ever after kind of thing with all e emotional and spiritual support u can get from the other half.

but still... it's kinda of misty...

& i'm really not that much bothered anymore if anyone decides to kill themselves, or just mutilate themselves in a fantastic display of unbalanced emotions because it is eventually their life they're ruining.

that's e power of living in a hostel. u start to wrap urself in air bubbles & then u practically lead ur own life, u cook ur own food, wash ur own dishes, plan ur own life. so staying @ home is a torture. because someone starts to rule over ur life & when u're 21, u dun feel like u have to listen to anyone anymore.

tt is my growing up... childish huh.

i shall thus represent my life in picture.


HAHA. can u imagine it? that such a thing actually exist??? LOL. WOOSH

wheels & cats

it was dark

i saw it run, across the road, into a car and den under e wheel, and den there was this loud crunch...

i saw it fly...

SHIT

and den everyone stared at me, before they saw it lying on e ground, flipping & turning in agony.
i don't think e head was there anymore.................

e road was wet, stained...

den a few more cars came, and u could hear its body break under the wheels as the cars went by it, one.by.one.

den it stopped moving


fuck. gross. damn.

URGH. stop playing in my head....

i dun noe y

i don't know why....

but e first thing i do when i meet someone is to look @ their wrist...

maybe it's e paranoia.

i don't know why...

but i really can't be bothered about cca's or group works that much anymore...
cus responsbility isn't really valued that much in society

i don't know why...

but i think euthanasia should be legalised in singapore.
so that we can run away from the pain...
there's really not much pt in living, when u're in pain...
and if selfish people really feel as if they deserve death to spare themselves from the pain and not care about e feelings of those who love them, since they would assume that they're so damn lonely anyway,
they should just jolly well die.

and no. i'm just estelwen, from middle earth, japan, and i work in a non-profit industry. not in e nuturing sector. in case u wanna find me and sue me.

pls let me be strong to keep myself going =)

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

reflections

today i've learnt...

that ministers are actually vampires so they cannot stand flashlight of amateur cameras. once exposed, their thick makeup followed by their very rubbery skin will melt from the over-exposure to light. this will incur e wrath of their trying-to-act-like-i'm-very-cool-bodyguards-but-i'm-just-a-dog bodyguards to complain to the relevant authorities who are also dogs to be to shoo u away like u're just some dirt.

i've also learnt...

that despite my sch's promises that it's staff will be as caring as those they hope to nurture, it is actually a very polished line taken off an advert to brainwash unsuspecting students. they are all just pigs, licking off food from their plates when there's some big event and busy exchanging useless pleasantries.

i've finally come to the conclusion...

that i shall never ever be a reporter and faceoff with dogs that can walk & talk. i shall not take photos of them with my camera as it causes my camera to crash. i shall also be aware of my lowly second class status in society & not overstep my limits cus no one will praise u for a job well done if e minister dies unglamourously cus of the flashlight.

selfish confession.

the only reason i have to have that want would be not be left behind when u're in ur own world and ready to take off without me.

because people just fade off. like the effects u see in movies. they just fade off into the dark. leaving u there alone carrying the burden of what they used to promise. they can convince u to believe, convince u to make sense out of things that doesn't & then they'll leave, & everything will just crumble around u as u struggle to pick up the broken shards..

because they just disappear, after the promises, they'll always disappear.

so i hope u don't come back anymore. with ur empty promises of love. with ur reassurances that it's gonna be alright. because none of this is real.

just leave. i will be fine. like i always will. don't patronise me.

uber lame lol

monochrome

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

97

有时候觉得自己不是长不大，而是不想长大

看见那么多陌生的脸孔，不知为何就感到很气恼
为何才出现
这些所谓的堂哥堂姐，血浓于水的亲戚，为何这时才出现~~

想要哭，却哭不出来的感觉，好难受。
想必大家的心都是默默地在痛着
有时候就是很难接受一个人将永远在这片天空下消失
是七份的不舍得，三份的遗憾
怀念着，
想起那以后那空荡荡的房间，想起以后不会有人以方言叫着我的名字
想起她那亲切的笑容，想起她和我讲着我一直到现在还是半桶水的方言
想起我在两个星期前才刚到过她的家，不管我多大声的叫着她，她就是躺在床上，皮肤因为身体的退化已经开始变黑了。


她就那么走了。心很痛 。

风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

2009 is sriously nt my year...

会呼吸的痛

想念是会呼吸的痛　它活在我身上所有角落

遗憾是会呼吸的痛　它流在血液中来回滚动

lalalala

i wonder how lynn is, after her refusal/inability to reply to my msg despite her promises to keep in touch

i wonder how sha is, after she left for studies overseas, her love for anime and japanese still as strong as ever and her continuous passion for the arts

i wonder how jane is, with her european look alike face and her love for disney's mickey mouse seemingly eternal.

i guess i haven't been a wonderful friend either. forgetting birthday's, not noticing other ppl's pain, not forgiving enough for the misunderstandings cause by the differences in us.


maybe it's cus e stupid nyona show is making me cranky haha

无尽思念

妈妈，祖母往生了


不知道为什么，就是没把这则短讯删了

woosh 4am

i think i can't live without my bed.

i'll need a quilt, 2 pillows and 3 bolsters.

i can't slp anywhere else.

i take a few hrs to slp in my bed in hall.

arhhhhhhhhhh

and e blinding lights with e crazily low base sound that just breaks ur eardrums if it gets any louder.

it's like ur heart is pumping so hard it's gonna break ur ribcage and u'll drop dead in a pool of blood. haha

it's crazy. e sexually charged crowd. everyone's horny. and den u just stand in e corner and shake. no one cares anyway.

and den along e road u see ppl slumped against e wall, vomit all over.

it's like they enjoy being in this state.

i can't slp for god's sake. i can't slp... fug

force be with u

he believes... XD

突然觉得自己很自私

because i cannot give.

e world revolves ard me

because i make up too much excuses for myself when i make mistakes

because i expect too much out of people

~~~

because we love building walls

that's e only way we survive

there's no natural law governing e whole damn thing

it's just a whole mess of jumble

it's just a way to survive

for no friggin reason

but we're here, breathing, and in pain

and then we'll continue to crawl, scramble towards a light

any light

just light

in hopes that something will be better in e future.

there is no other force governing ur life

it is just u, urself, ur life, and wad u can do with ur life.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

in e mood for love

been pretty pissed off e whole week

but i guess i've just come to realised, u're probably in ur own world.

and maybe i'm nt that angry with u so much anymore

with every fall, u're supposedly stronger, but all i have are scars and fears.

YOSH! GANBATTE!

paranoia

i think i shld, one fine day, visit IMH and get medication for my bouts of paranoia, insanity & depression.

i think i shld.

then again, isn't it irritating to have known me, i'm loud, i'm sickening, i'm full of shit, i'm paranoid, i get depressed and start moaning abt how i wanna die on my blog and den i'll make u feel unhappy/worried. wad is so good abt me as a fren?

~~~

i secretly thinks my grandma praying for her death to come. no wait, i think we're all praying that she'll leave this world. talk abt mercy killing

she's just lying there, all skin and bone... her wound's full of pus, her skin blue black. she has no flesh... i cannot see any flesh... her house has a stench. in fact i bet we'll look like we're abusing her. she can't really talk now, she doesn't respond when i call her. her eyes are always closed... she curls up into a ball and falls into an uneasy sleep, she's been falling down e bed at night.

i dun even noe if she fits into e definition of living.

and den there's this buddhist song playing continuously nxt to her bed... e same one my maternal grandma had nxt to her bed and e song that i had to listen to during e wake and when she was cremated. it's so freakingly creepy. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

laws of attractionHAHA

喜欢钻牛角尖，无法原谅自己，感觉错了一次，就好像没有弥补的机会，所以特别自责，也变得很厌倦社会。与其说厌倦，不如说我害怕，所以逃避。因为我背着很多包袱，而且是多余的负担。

还是不相信神明，鬼魔妖怪的存在，但特别相信命运，缘分和时机。

i think i'm seeing things, even though i dun believe them, i keep thinking that i've been seeing them, which is pretty ironic and full of crap. grandma still visits me.. HAHA.

i'm thankful, for the things they do, the little things like giving u words of encouragement out of the blue, telling u weird stuff like laws of attraction when u're cycling 40 plus km, worn out but amused with all e singing, screaming & insanity.

i'm grateful for e little things they give to me, words that sort out my shitty thinking. and i dun expect them to be there all e time because they've already given me more than enough.

yet i dun trust them, cus they exist on superficiality, on convenice, on value of worth.
they'll leave. they'll just leave when what it has been built upon crumbles, memories can't save them, even e best ones...

i've changed, i realised...

because i feel there's no need for me to put in more than what is my share in grp works because no one else bothers, and e acknowledgement doesn't get u anywhere. because u give it ur all but it's considered dumb becuase others are just not giving that much. because there is a market rate and we shld follow it.

there's no need for responsibility, there's no need for punctuality.
just sorries, sorries and more apologies

fine if they accept, or just get another friend who'll tolerate ur nonsense.

it's 4am.

i've lost my marbles. i'm a bimbo. HAHA

Therefore I say unto you, what things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." ( Mark xi. 24. )

Yet once you have taken a decision, then rely on God. God loves those who are reliant” (Al-'lmran:159)

ugly beautiful

i'm watching a show i don't understand

i'm nt crying when i'm supposed to cry

i don't want to dream...

i don't feel guilty when i'm nt there for u

because we all want to bleed

we all love bleed

and we love e attention that comes with e bleeding


darkness conceals pain, hides weaknesses, makes e ugly beautiful...

i don't feel anything. at all

Unmistakable

Anytime, anywhere, any place
You could be anyone today
Maybe I will recognize
You on a crowded street

Maybe you'll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind?

There'll come a day
When you walk out of my dreams
Face to face
Like I'm imagining
Baby how can I be sure
That you're the one I'm waiting for
Will you be
Unmistakable

People say we're watching life
Through a glass
Desperately waiting on a chance
I know you're out there,
Holding on,
Holding out for me

How're we gonna know the time is right?
What if you're here and I'm just blind?


How can I know a song
I've never heard
How will I know your voice
When you haven't said a word

How do I know how this will end
Before we begin