AHAHAHAHA

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm not free on sundays. never free.

it is very sad
that we should let religion dominate our conversation like how it has become a central part of ur life
will it kill u that ur friend is not of the same religion?
or that u cannot stand the idea that u are going to "heaven" and that ur newly acquainted friend is going to "hell"
why is there never a happy ending to friendships between a christian and a non-christian?
i cannot trust u because no matter how much i try, u wld try to bring up e topic and den include me in.

it's abt to end. i'm so used to being so good friends with all of ur kind and den ending it after a few outings. i can just feel that end looming near. i can actually predict what is going to happen.

we're just worlds apart, just like ur heaven and my hell huh.

happiness is....

is trying to understand and then slowly accepting.

happiness is not without money but not all abt money

happiness is knowing that u're always out there, happy, and treasuring ur life as what it should be worth.

happiness is being true, living ur life learning how to let go and welcoming new people and things into ur life.

happiness is within...

忍，体谅，内省，再忍， 包容。

hohoho, bloody hell

i think when u take up a job like mine, u suddenly sort of become a mind reader, playing psychotic mind analysing games with ppl whom u used to think had the absolute power and ctrl over u.

maybe it's nt only e kids who're trying to figure out wad e teachers are thinking. we do tt all e time too. & now i suddenly feel like i know what the bloody hell she's thinking.

and i didn't feel the slightest sense of guilt. it wasn't abt winning after all. it was just venting out the irritation and anger of someone always being anal and den getting done with it. it's like e evaporation of alcohol. don't dwell on the things that ppl say when they're hurt. hurhur because half of e time, it's just an ugly truth multiplied and blown up to gigantic proportions. and den after the thunderstorm we'll realise that none of us is perfect and just because we are related by blood means that we're just unfortunate enough to have to tolerate each others' crap. including my own.

u can nvr whine abt equality in treatment. it's just their way of handling things which they deemed is right. u've lived with it for 20 years. take it in ur stride and den let them make all e damn noise they want. if it makes them feel better or that they're in ctrl. go ahead.

we're all stupid. wanting so much of the other person but expecting none of ourselves.

sad but funny huh

*and then knowing that now've supposedly figured out her anal character, u have every more reason to tolerate her don't u? zzzzzz. confucious is crap but i live by it anyway.

~~

why shld u respect someone who is so irritatingly flawed and anal when e only reason u can think of when u're so damn angry with her is just that she takes care of u. den at e back of ur head u'll be screaming 'SO FUCkING WAD'?

so what if the 9 months that she had u was difficult and tiring and what have u? BIG DEAL

so what if she nurtured u and pampered u with all the shit loads of shit.

she's hypocritical, she doesn't deserve respect, she's just screaming and shouting like her butt's on fire when she sees something not done her way. she just doesn't practice wad she teaches us.

den at the end of it all when u feel like ludging ur backpack and move back to the hostel, or just fling a bowl of shit at her mouth, u'll realise that we're equally flawed as humans. that she had every reason to be angry at us as we have any reason to be angry with her for being so intolerant.

so blow up, shed a few tears, think of how u can avoid such a conflict with her the nxt time and den move on. no guilt, no sweat. yeah merry christmas

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

critical thinking of yang sa min

think deep think deep IDIOT.

i think i become more stupid as i grow up, apathetic too...

because i've felt that debating abt life's issue doesn't get me anywhere, because making a stand in singapore means u're different, & when u're different u're persecuted.
& even more so now that i'm a civil servant so it would be biting the hand that feeds me?

what crap.

so being thrown back into the "critical thinking" class with almost everyone having a faked accent or thinking deep abt any education policies that i didn't like is not helping my 'way' of singapore life.

i think besides being famed for our singlish/HDB flats, we should just get first in youth apathy as well. telling us to make critical statments about MOE's policies? U WANT ME TO DIE AH? honestly speaking, i'm still apprehensive about everything that is there. u cannot ask us to be critical when we are being forced to conform. it's just ironic & when u eventually go back to work in a school, how much can critical thinking/theories on education help u when u're being confined?

sure u have inspirational articles on how teachers have not given up on students or teachers who go all out to inspire that just ends there.
is the freedom to teach self imposed? or are we restricted by the higher ups? or maybe the freedom was just dellusional after all?

singapore has changed definitely, since i last blogged abt my beloved coutry a year back. prices flying up, foreigners flying in & nvr out, & we are talking abt a open society. HURHUR, i bet all of us are just habouring muderous thoughts of just killing them if they step on our toes. in fact, our family motto now is nt study hard to get a good paying job but study hard so that u won't get displaced.

we are just slowly being displaced, and ironically by the very own govt that we voted to secure our future. our governing body has successfully run singapore like a profit making monopoly and this year we can all celebrate our national day boasting of higher growth rates, our success at recycling junk water blah blah blah.

sure we'll still have our NDP showcasing our talented 'youths' who surprise surprise r locals, or mayb those formation dances which are made up of who knows half singaporeans & half foreigners. everything might just b the same old boring crap but listen carefully this time. just listen. when they sing the old familiar cheesy oldies like count on me singapore, stand up for singapore, one ppl, one nation, one singapore, or maybe just the national anthem itself, i wouldn't b surpirsed if e voices belting out these songs might be so much lesser, & e volume so much softer....

bleahx.

way to go singapore, u're 43 and u are slowly replacing ur own kind. way to go...

STUDENT = LAME = WAH LAO EH HAVE TO STDY AGAIN??!!

a gift from my student who once wrote, 'shut up u stupid idiot' on his maths workbk just for me & traumatised me like hell after tt. i nvr got over that until i saw this card. but the skeleton hand is nt really helping with a apology XD HOHO

i'm addicted to cabal, of all times to be addicted to something when u're just abt to start sch. & it's been a yr & a half since i've sat down with books & notes to study hur hur except for my BTT & i flunk it yoh. sthuuupid


and i've also amassed buckloads of coloured pens and refills for red pens and 2 full pencil cases of stationery. lol. nxt time i start working i shld kope more stationery items from student. MUAHAHA. see my enthusiasm abt studying? SEE SEE SEE!!!! XD WOOT.

~~~

to actually start school & be a student again wld mean a whole lot more to me this year then it did last yr.
i was a working adult last year, receiving a self sustainable but meagre salary enough only for myself but not enough for a family. i listened with envy & sometimes irritation at how ppl talked abt sch in funny terms like modules AUs credits hall wad block wad. it all didn't make sense & it just made me feel more left out den i already was.

now tt u're a student, treasure it, my senior said. i guess it really makes alot more sense now tt i have a vague idea of how working e world is like, it's temptations & vices, with everything being tied to financial & hierachial status. all these doesn't matter now tt i'm in sch. for now.... i hope.

continue to inspire and be inspired. rock on.

e greatest insult u can give to a teacher is to be asked to be transferred out of that class.

& my ex-students just did tt.... e nerve.

so now i few guilty for smirking at her.... zzzzzzzzzz

i think my life has become pretty much stagnant after a year of ups and downs after e As.
it's pretty ironic since i've always wanted stability & the waiting for the unknown nearly drove me crazy, now that i know what course i'm going to, i feel... bored? LOL. yesh slap me.

and all my good good pals are enjoying life in the USA. can u believe it?! 3 idiots. LOL. so now i always see them online & wish them goodnight at the weirdest hours of the day. & i miss them like shit.

my evil twin

how do u look up to someone when she turns out to be completely different from what u've thought she used to be.

is either she gave me the wrong impression, or i had judged her too quickly or that she has just changed.

i'm serious because e more i know her e more i'm turned off.

here she is stressing on the point she's been through so much in life, that she's so much older than the rest of the new teachers that she's so damn experienced that i shld just worship the ground that she walks on and call myself useless. in fact, being with her has made me feel very worthless because the spotlight's always on how she deals with things correctly and how wrong i've done or screwed up. & i was so stupid to be led around by the nose.

"do you think i'm pretty or beautiful?"
"i was like that last time, i've been through this before"
& she shld be honoured that i'm dedicating a blogpost to her.

and it's kinda of sad, because i was just about to prove to myself that colleagues can be ur friends too.

pray for me, she said. pray that i'll stay sane. inside me i just smirked.

~~

would doing something wrong be justifiable by the simple reason of, i love u i care for u, so i betrayed u for u.

h.y.p.o.c.r.a.c.y

i will not have u screw around with my head.

damn, june is a busy birthday month. hahaha.

zzzzz.

傻B

we shld all have QQ.
because QQ pets is so darn cute & a big distraction. hahaha. i have on 'residing' at e corner of my desktop screen. hehe

~~~~~

problems just pile up, they don't go away.

and honestly speaking, i have a feeling tt i'm just running away cus i'm tired of seeing the ppl here and my newly acquainted 'friend'.

it's either my EQ has been damn low recently or that i'm really trying to throw everything behind.

but what i've told her is true. i dun care how much she claims to understand or nt. the simple fact is that i hate being talked down like a kid. i am nt stupid and i can differentiate whether u're treating me like an adult or like a kid who doesn't know better.

u start talking abt life's philosophies, abt how if u can't change others, u shld first change urself instead. and then e worst thing is u had e nerve to insult my english by first insisting that a wrong sentence is correct "The way to the Big Ben, one has to climb up the spiral staircase ..." and then when i suggested that it might be wrong, u just screwed on my nerves by telling the other colleague that i'm nt experienced enough in this. WTF?!

and ur only explanation for this is that u're very frank & u'll say what's on ur mind. so? u say what's on ur mind w no absolute consideration for others?

am i complaining again? can i complain? can i rant? am i too concerned abt what others think of me? i can't live with this kind of ppl sitting behind me & commenting on every single thing i do, i think i'll go crazy....

u want me to open up? i alrdy did on the day when we were vetting the paper when i blew up when u made tt stupid comment on me being inexperienced. i'm learning so stop saying i'm nt experienced. I KNOW THAT. it's like going up to a blind man & telling him that he's blind.

" jus tt i find lately u seem quite distracted..
easily irritated.. attitude not as fantastic as b4.. is everything fine for u?
or its jus when u are coming to the end of yr contract.. u feel like throwing everything off?
i was like tt last time, and even worse things happened"

of course my attitude is nt fantastic, i'm irritated, but take note that it's towards u because i'm trying to keep everything as it is. i dun like to pass comments because i know it hurts & it's nt within my capability to point out ppl's flaws because i'm just a colleague of urs, i dun want to cross my boundaries.

it's 1 wk down & 3 more to go. let us just stay this way & hope that everything stays the way it is before we both screw up on this r/ship. ur way of dealing with UR students, i wish u gd luck.

but why is everything she's saying bugging me so much? is it because it's true?

rant

now i know wad's wrong with these ppl

they just love assume that everyone else is wrong and have experienced so little

so they'll be right since they've experienced so much more.

so they love, LOVE to share.

bullshit.

LOL


it appears i've been complaining alot recently, old habits die hard. but smtimes, i just can't stand these ppl. ROARRRRRRR

u incorrigible bitch

ok u are pretty, nt beautiful

and so what if u're pretty, ur EQ is damn low because now that i'm having my pms, ur insensitive and supposedly for my good comments are making me feel really depressed.

c'mon, so what if u're 6 years older then me? i refuse to believe that u're in any way more mature than i am and why shld i trust u just because "u've been thru this"? because u love to assume that i know so fking little dat i need u to comment on how i'm doing things? if u're being helpful, i find u a pain in e ass.

u love to the assume, and then when i'm halfway thru my sentence u'll happily jump into ur own fking conclusion and den start commenting on "actually, u shldn't do this" fuck u. this is the first time in my life i've felt so tired talking to a person because i constantly find myself unknowingly becoming very defensive when i speak to u.

i think u're a screwed up asshole and i'm sorry if i've known u cus the more i learn about u, the more i hate u. and so what if u had depression in sec 2? it means that u've gone thru alot more if u had depression? and u're here teaching me how to handle depression when u have totally no fking clue what is goin on.

i hate it when ppl assume they know so much abt my life and den after assuming they give fking useless advice.

i srsly dun give a fk or damn where or what u've gone thru, ur hurtful assumptions & ur comments abt my teaching methods. i know my methods are not good but e last person i want to get advice from is u because after all this, i just realised that u were nvr sincere and have just been putting me down, even though u sound damn positive.

and srry, i'm not coming to ur sunday mass.

up up and away....

MY HOLIDAYS ARE ENDING! LOL. damn i'll just hide in a corner and cry.

but hey life's been great for the second half of the holidays. i was sulking and bawling for the first half because as i've told u, moe ran out of stamps. lol. so their shipment of stamps arrived on the second half of the holidays and thus i received consecutively 2 letters that was pretty much crazy.

end of holidays means i'll be quite depressed for a while because there'll be people i have to face, students in particular but hey i'll get over it. the sad thing was i didn't miss them as much as i missed my pupils in cps. classroom management for p4s has always freaked me out in fact was having nightmares abt it during holidays. haix. does that mean i love teaching less? i'm not sure too.
i've been out with the backrow alot during this hols, lol, very very close ppl whom i can just go crazy and don't give a damn.


freedom will be on 22 july. there'll be ppl i'll miss but i've learnt enough and this experience has been humbling enough. 4 wks from now till 22 july to psycho myself to pick up my books and start studying again.

up up and away....

i want to apologise, not to feel less burdened by guilt

i want to apologise, to let u know how sorry i am to put you through this though we were both at fault

i want to apologise, to let u know that it was never my intention for this to happen

i want to apologise, to let u know that if u even felt any pain at all, i had my fair share of pain because of this as well

i want to apologise, to let u know tt because i, as an adult in the situation, had not done my part well, it had led to things getting from bad to worse because i was supposed to know how to manage the situation.

i want to apologise, to let u know that i have learnt my mistake and will not make it again.

i will continue to carry this burden, i will continue to carry this guilt, till i learn how to set things right.

to all

i know words can never be enough


thank u for being there :)

我就是这样

今天遇见了你，你变了，但是笑容依然那么迷人灿烂。你曾经给了我很多，不知道我作为你的朋友给予了你什么。还是同样一句话，不管我们以后怎么样，我很高兴，也从不后悔认识你。

i have every reason to continue writing here, and i have every reason not to. i don't know why ppl get so much pleasure from harassing ppl even though this blog was never meant to be private since the "common" argument is that a blog is never a private diary. post it up here and u shld also be ready to face criticisms. wadever

it's a constant question i ask myself everyday. how much have i learnt from past mistakes? how can i be better? yet i've always been at a lost to questions from students like, y shld i change? y shld i be a better person when i'm fine being who i am now?

because we all want to be loved? because we all want someone to care? because by not following the social norm, we risk being an outcast and thus being out of touch with others. we'll be alone. we are scared of being alone. because no matter how much of a misfit we are in the social norm, we will always try to find other misfits to gel with.

i want to change because i'm in pain. i want to change because i can't let go. i want to change because i know i can be better.

and then i sit there and wonder if everyone goes thru the same phase as i am. i am already 20 & yet i have problems with emotional management. i am 20 and yet i still don't know who i really am after 20 yrs. i am 20. i am 20.

i think it's inevitable tt in this life, we'll meet up with ppl who really truly care, ppl who are just superficially caring, ppl who try not to care, ppl who simply don't care, and ppl who are plain bastards.

晴天呢？

固执下犯下的错误，以等待来惩罚我，你够残忍了吧，是因为我不够成熟还是我破坏了学校的名誉？

要如何才算是尽力了？我不否认有能改进的地方，但这代表着我没尽力吗？

雨后不是有晴天 吗？

晴天呢？

很痛苦。