estelwen likes to camwhore

yesh i've taken a liking for camwhoring when i'm bored. my sch stuff hasn't been going as well as i wanted it to be.... again. like u know. wadever. my boss said friends dun like their frens to complain too much. yar. i'm really complaining too much so i think i'm pissing off all my friends. and i'm going to be a typical bimbo soon. assholes. slap me

due to sch stress and me combining my breakfast and lunch to just egg and bread, my weight has been dropping. from 60 kg during march to 53kg now. amazing isn't it? i hope it drops more. den i can advertise for marie france. MUAHAHA

and yeah, i know it's already halfway thru april but here it is. *takes a deep breath*
i would like to thank these people
faith
weilian
chee
zhixin
miao
wenxin
backrow peeps- julia, mel, shihui etc
LIMTWINS XD
junjie
chenjing
zhuangjing
and the list goes on (i hope i've not missed out anyone)

for the most wonderful 31st march i've ever had for this really bad year. i feel really loved and i know that i am nt alone.
because i've come to realise that as we all go our separate ways, we've become so flustered in our own world, trying to get use to uni exams/life or working life, i think little things like rmbring ur frens birthday is really really a big deal. so for all the wonderful memories that we've shared when we were still students and the short gatherings we're having now, i thank u and i'll cherish them. cheers to life. and i love u all.

~~~~

can teacher's be friends?

somehow i'm just having difficulty trying to understand what u've been trying to get across

are we just being old fashioned or is there really a boundary that u can't cross?

if being friends means that u can influence them positively, why not?

why draw a boundary?

how can u respect someone who behaves so seriously and stern in class and den start spewing vulgarities or go crazy in the staff room? aren't u acting in front of the kids, trying to be someone u're not?

how do u teach? how do u inspire?

damn u

damn this place

drop dead.

bang!

die....


effing headache

3 hr meetings till 5pm or later

u noe wad is shagged? it means when u dun even have the strength to walk and u feel like rolling on e floor.

yay

perfect strangers

i have....

over 102 friends in friendster

74 friends on facebook

203 contacts on msn

yet....

out if this few hundred friends i see online everyday,
20 i keep in touch with

people whom i can contact when i'm in deep shit
is almost as much as the fingers i have on 1 hand.

so let's do some maths.

5 out of 379 = 1.31% pathetic isnt it?

and i find it amusing that kids have difficulty comprehending, or in fact, that's how i used to think as well, i tot the more ppl u know, the more friends u have? so friends grow in numbers, they don't decrease! the tot of them even decreasing was atrocious to me, and now to them.

we used to want to meet up with the whole class, painstakingly organising class BBQs and making sure everyone joined, having websites where we could update each other of where we were in life, blah blah blah. look at us 20 years from now. i don't even know where u are, or even what u look like now.

who knows, one day when i walk past u on the streets, we'll just be back where we started.... perfect strangers.

i shld just get a dog XD

i wish to move on. :)

i had wanted so much to really grow up recently. because i realised the reason for all the pain i'm feeling now is my inability to accept what is considered to be duties of an adult and duties of just a teacher cum friend.

i realised that cedar has spoilt me. not that i didn't enjoy my stay there but it's because i was so protected and well taken care of that i couldn't take a slight stab in the back nor could i stand being alone in corner. i just didn't want to be forgotten. i just didn't want responsibilities other than teaching. i forgot that i was no longer a relief teacher. i forgot that the SWS team of big sisters and big brothers were no longer there.

if u don't like a job, no one can force you to like it. if u don't know, u ask & learn. live and learn live and learn live and learn. u of all people in the educational force should know that. as long as u live, take everything in ur stride and believe in ur abilities. everyone has done it before, so can u.

no one will reach out to you unless u take the first step and open up. we don't like people wallowing in self pity.

i need more time to reflect. i wish to move on. :)

i'm writing rubbish...

感觉好像失恋了，
心里一直惦记着，挂念着
很想回到已经不存在的过去
好想回到那时曾经拥有过的
回去每一个曾经有你我的踪迹的地方

本以为怀念的会慢慢淡忘
但现在发现回忆虽然甜蜜
回到现实时候反而更痛苦　

i'm writing rubbish...
slap me

it's time u grow up

my recent bizarre behaviour has resulted in me doing really really stupid things that i've come to regret and i now extend my sincere apologies to the students i've had bad influence on.

i've failed in my duties and i wish to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

yar right. if only life was that simple.

and i've come to realise that me being 20 in age doesn't mean that i'm acting like my age, nor in maturity. i think it's time that i really really grow up and take responsibility as an adult and not a child.

damn. britney's i'm nt a girl, nt yet a woman is my theme song of the year.

random thoughts of the day....

intruder alert.

and i do not like it.

this blog is supposed to be personal. so scram off flamers. go flame ur ass.

~~~~~~

i guess the only comfort i can get out of this is that as much as i don't know u, there's so much u don't know abt me as well.

mrs yeo XD

i treat u like my daughter, which is why i'm telling you this....

a funny coincidence that her name is mrs yeo (as in not my mum). the senior teachers here have been really patient. to be specific, the adjunct teachers here are really those who are helping me along....

isit because i look like a juvenile that they feel a need to take care of me? my student said i looked like 16. not that it made me particularly happy since i know now why they treat me more like a friend than a teacher and why some of my colleagues don't take me seriously.

thank u for making my day. i will continue to be strong.

i know there are people who care but why is it that i feel so lost and tired...

i'm nt coping well. everyone seems to be doing fine. i don't know why...

shallow simin

hello darlings,

my blogposts have increasingly become more shallow as a result of overexposure to immature students who fight/throw bottles at each other in class, name callings and blah blah blah

just save me from this immaturity because i'm really starting to think i'm childish. and i really wanted to play online games today but was too busy working. ON A SUNDAY CAN U BELIEVE IT?

and yesterday was a total knockout cus i just slept straight through from 6pm to 9am the nxt morning. that was like 15 hrs? and i still feel tired. and i have work not done. in fact, my work is never done, it's more of prioritizing which one to hand in late and which one to hand in not as late. but either way, i've nt really got myself into any big trouble yet so yar. alive but not really a LIFE.

slap me cus this entry is bimbotic.

and honestly, i think i'm starting to get addicted to drinking cus it makes me kinda of high and happy for that moment. and now as i sit here and wonder if i've gotten myself into any kind of trouble plus my piling workload, i really wonder if i'm just the type who could have survived uni if i really got in there.

honestly, the times have changed. teaching is really not as glamorous or as highly regarded as it looks. i look at my colleagues slogging their lives off and i really pity myself and them. i look at those ppl who don't bother to care and i really hate them.

so i guess i was made for a lower end job huh.

and i had wanted so much to dedicate a post to those ppl who sent me bday wishes on my special day. damn, i have to really do it soon.
><

原来成长是这样子的啊

原来成长的过程就是把自己曾经拥有过的童年渐渐遗忘了

原来成长就是与分秒必争的时间和岁月赛跑

岁月无情，人情也就变得更淡薄

成长就是忘了自己也曾经是个小孩，成长就意味着多一份的冷酷，不耐烦，少了一份的天真，无邪。

说到底，我还是无法接受这变态畸形的社会。

FTFTFTFTFTFT

my birthday present from the school is to be suddenly placed as the form teacher of a very LOVELY class because their original form teacher was conveniently forced out of the school to study in some other course.

and now, i'm suddenly the form teacher of 30+ kids.

i love u. thank u for the birthday present.

*foams*

diet

my breakfast and lunch has been reduced to

egg and bread.

and i hope i slim down soon. no dun worry i'm still a les and still single so it's nt for guys.

so i was happily cracking and eating my egg today when the hard boiled egg just broke and half of it dropped into e dustbin under my table. (i was shelling it u see)
and den ms yeo just stared at her egg in e bin, heard her stomach growl, looked ard to see if any one was looking, picked up e egg and popped it into her mouth.

my stomach felt funny afterwards. o.o

save

when u have flu, u take panadol, u have cough u take e cough syrup.
but when u have depression wad do u take? pills to numb urself? pills to make urself happy?

depression is cause by our inability to cope with changes, with mounting stress. the inability for us to appropriately seek for help and to vent our frustrations the correct way. depression leads to us being attention seeking at times, but most of e time we just clam up, hoping the world will notice us in some way but when asked wad's wrong, we just simply say, nthing, i'm just tired, or nthing. den we continue to shut up.

depression is like rolling down a spiral staircase, u cannot hold on to anything to stop u, the further u go, the more in pain u are. it's like u're paralyzed, u cannot think, u don't know how to comfort urself, u don't know how to control ur emotions, most of the time, u wld feel that u've screwed up either urself or somebody else's day when in actual fact it's really nt such a big deal. u wld feel like a lousy friend. u wld feel like no one bothers to care, u wld start thinking abt alot of things that doesn't really make sense. when all these are not true.

for 3 days in a row, i've felt on the verge of tears, for nthing, or even e simplest of things. and it's nt pms because i just had my fucking mensus. fuck it man. just fuck. damn u.

i'm just finding a way to save myself. that's all.... it's so painful to go through this again.

depression

congratulations to myself

i've officially entered the first stage of depression where i can't eat, can't sleep properly, am almost at the brink of tears every 1 hr since yesterday and can't wait to get myself knocked down by a car when i cross the road.

and if u think i'm seeking for attention thru this blog, i guess that's wad all depressed ppl do.

and if u think i'm wallowing in self pity, that's what all depressed ppl do as well.

the good thing is i haven started doing really stupid stuff yet so i'm still alive.

and i really hope this phase will pass soon.

i tot e first step to saving urself is to acknowledge that u're depressed. so now i acknowledge. what now?

fucktard.

nadir

nadir, is the word of the day

nadir sounds like nair... i'm racist.

and i'm nt funny. i can't be funny when i'm stressed. i try but i still can't laugh.

laugh u bastard, laugh.

and really, shut up cus i'm trying so hard to make u understand wad i'm teaching but u dun care if u know or not. u just want to get it over quickly and done with. and i shall be stubborn and tell u this will not do. i will start nagging like a 40 year old hag, i don't care if the whole damn class hates me. i just want u to listen. not zone out!

u know it's so depressing when they just don't listen. because in some sense, ur lesson has failed technically speaking. at least for P2s, i know what the hell is going on. for P4s i'm as lost as u all are.

and den when i walk past other classes everyday, i see students busy, while the teacher is teaching, cutting little bits of paper, drawing rubbish or staring into space only to be suddenly aware that i'm staring at them outside the window with a little grin on my mouth. because this is what makes them students, and this is what makes them so irritating too.

and den at the end of it all, the only thing i can comfort myself is that i'm trying, i tried and i will continue to try without fail to make sure u learn.

nadir... is still the word of the day.

a morbid thought

i wish for my 20th birthday

to drop dead from fatigue while teaching maths, & scare the shit out of my kids and make e teachers regret ever treating a untrained teacher in such a way.

& hence my birthday wish, and i secretly hope it comes true. o.o



~~~~

& they always say be careful for what u wish for....

i know my colleagues have been through worse, but i just can't help feeling that all these is just crap. & i'm so scared i'll flunk e shit. oh god please come soon may with moi uni/nie letter and take me away away away

to anon, it's time we settled this

thank u again for dropping by my blog. it's always so lively to have u around. it's so like u real life where u have to start a big commotion everywhere u go. i have no respect for sneaky ppl like u.

i already know who u are. if u hate me that much, den dun pretend to be so nice in front of my face and tell me to do little favours for u.

fine if u hate me cus i have my fair share of fair-weathered friends and those whom i know will stand beside me. i can't expect myself to be likable and to be accepted by everyone.

i also apologise if my previous action of boiling the water has hurt u. i do nt do this to ease my guilt nor do i do these to push away my responsibilities. i've said what i've said, done what i've done and i will be fully responsible for it.

everyone has 2 faces to the people they don't like. me included, and i don't deny it. i can swear that i've never backstabbed anyone knowingly to cause someone hurt. i am human, i love, i hate and i regret that my dislike of u was made known to u.

email me my dear anonymous, yang_simin@hotmail.com if u feel that there's a need to clarify misunderstandings, spew me with vulgarities or to demand that i apologise formally. i will try my best to ease ur pain as a result of my irresponsibility, childishness or hypocrisy towards you.

if it makes u feel better seeking revenge on my blog, den go ahead. i will not hide my blog, i will nt go "underground". i will continue to blog abt what i want to blog & say what i want to say.

i've already told u i'm willing to apologise and i'm sincere. but i have no intention to beg u to forgive me if u're no better in personality as compared to me.

take it or leave it.

verbal diarrhoea

i woke up at 11am and got scalded by the water that was boiled 2 years ago.

sounds funny huh.

i think it sounds funny too.

and guess what, e nie thing, i'm really nt looking forward to it after all because someone made me promise to call her once i step into a nie campus. no way i'm gonna do tt. but den again. a promise is a promise. so i shall flip e coin to decide. LOL. heads to not call her. tails to not call her too. XD


oddly, it's e uncertainties that are killing me. my workload is increasing since the exams (not mine, e kids) are coming but everything is just so magnified by all that unknown crap crashing down on me. uni crap, "friends" delicate relationship crap, all tt big hoohaa crap, all that i'm nt supposed to have said tt but since it's done it's done crap

and honestly, i've done alot of reflection since what happened 2 yrs ago and i've always told myself that if karma shld come back and bite me for gossiping (which in actual fact, i still find tt there's nthing wrong) den all i had to do is be a little rabbit, fart at stupid karma in e face and hop away again.

and a little note to e love of my life. thank u for being there :)

对不起~

不知道为什么，你每次说的话，我都信不过。

对不起~