a morbid thought

i wish for my 20th birthday

to drop dead from fatigue while teaching maths, & scare the shit out of my kids and make e teachers regret ever treating a untrained teacher in such a way.

& hence my birthday wish, and i secretly hope it comes true. o.o



~~~~

& they always say be careful for what u wish for....

i know my colleagues have been through worse, but i just can't help feeling that all these is just crap. & i'm so scared i'll flunk e shit. oh god please come soon may with moi uni/nie letter and take me away away away

to anon, it's time we settled this

thank u again for dropping by my blog. it's always so lively to have u around. it's so like u real life where u have to start a big commotion everywhere u go. i have no respect for sneaky ppl like u.

i already know who u are. if u hate me that much, den dun pretend to be so nice in front of my face and tell me to do little favours for u.

fine if u hate me cus i have my fair share of fair-weathered friends and those whom i know will stand beside me. i can't expect myself to be likable and to be accepted by everyone.

i also apologise if my previous action of boiling the water has hurt u. i do nt do this to ease my guilt nor do i do these to push away my responsibilities. i've said what i've said, done what i've done and i will be fully responsible for it.

everyone has 2 faces to the people they don't like. me included, and i don't deny it. i can swear that i've never backstabbed anyone knowingly to cause someone hurt. i am human, i love, i hate and i regret that my dislike of u was made known to u.

email me my dear anonymous, yang_simin@hotmail.com if u feel that there's a need to clarify misunderstandings, spew me with vulgarities or to demand that i apologise formally. i will try my best to ease ur pain as a result of my irresponsibility, childishness or hypocrisy towards you.

if it makes u feel better seeking revenge on my blog, den go ahead. i will not hide my blog, i will nt go "underground". i will continue to blog abt what i want to blog & say what i want to say.

i've already told u i'm willing to apologise and i'm sincere. but i have no intention to beg u to forgive me if u're no better in personality as compared to me.

take it or leave it.

verbal diarrhoea

i woke up at 11am and got scalded by the water that was boiled 2 years ago.

sounds funny huh.

i think it sounds funny too.

and guess what, e nie thing, i'm really nt looking forward to it after all because someone made me promise to call her once i step into a nie campus. no way i'm gonna do tt. but den again. a promise is a promise. so i shall flip e coin to decide. LOL. heads to not call her. tails to not call her too. XD


oddly, it's e uncertainties that are killing me. my workload is increasing since the exams (not mine, e kids) are coming but everything is just so magnified by all that unknown crap crashing down on me. uni crap, "friends" delicate relationship crap, all tt big hoohaa crap, all that i'm nt supposed to have said tt but since it's done it's done crap

and honestly, i've done alot of reflection since what happened 2 yrs ago and i've always told myself that if karma shld come back and bite me for gossiping (which in actual fact, i still find tt there's nthing wrong) den all i had to do is be a little rabbit, fart at stupid karma in e face and hop away again.

and a little note to e love of my life. thank u for being there :)

对不起~

不知道为什么，你每次说的话，我都信不过。

对不起~

what are u really really really really really good at?

teaching?

HURHURHUR.

guilt

what exactly is guilt?
does it come from us having a conscience?
then why do we hate feeling guilty?
because it comes back to us again and again, reminding us of how we were not there when someone who was the slightest bit related to u was in trouble and needed a kind word or a helping hand?
or is it because we are simply being selfish because we hate the feeling?

and i know that at the end of it all, should anything happen to u, any one of u, i would feel so torn up by guilt because i wasn't a good enough sister, family member or friend...

i am so bloody selfish.

i don't know if i tried to be there. i don't know if i did push u away when u tried to reach out to me for help. i don't know if i burdened u with more crap den u can already handle by selfishly telling u all my woes.

i am sorry for not being there. i know i suck. and if it makes u happy, it doesn't make me less guilty and i'm nt running away from any responsibilities.

...

Ken Lee - Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

ken leeee tulibu dibo douchuuu

i'm blessed...

i'm so used to using the soft approach.

and den they try to screw around and seek for more attention....

because everytime i scold them, i feel so damn guilty. because it's nt their fault that they're not loved at home and then do something wrong so that u can scold them. it is not their fault that their parents have no time for them.

it's like wad the principal said. they didn't choose to be born into this kind of family.

but that kid is not really screwed... just a big mouth that just can't stop. so why am i blowing my top?

because i can't control him? and that i'm equally screwed up in that sense?

i don't know. i only know i'm blessed to have my family.... haix
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

小人

看你的字体就知道你是个心理不平衡的人。心胸狭窄，小气，而且特喜欢利用别人。
就是看你不顺眼，老是自以为了不起。不晓得你的朋友看上你哪一点，那么崇拜你。
最鄙视像你这样的人。

没文化！


郁闷死了。

i'm srry for being an asshole

i think i've been pretty anal recently, to the point of extremely irritating and stupid and squarish.

today i was just being a total BEE-ITCH to my class cus e principal and v p was just 2 classes away from mine and i really didn't want them to "visit" me when it wasn't my lesson observation yet.

and i think my IQ has been bordering on the range of stupidity and idiocy. choose either one, there's nt much difference. u can talk to me and den u'll realise that my reaction time is not as fast as i like it to be. or maybe, i've been that slow since the beginning of time. just that now it's much more damn obvious.

i don't like the way i am now. my personality seems to be taking a 100 % change from good to worse.

maybe it's because of the students, but maybe it's just because i'm just wallowing in self pity which makes me pretty much screwed up in the head. my sense of judgment is pretty much kuku now.

i'm srry for being an asshole. i'll change. i promise.

hello world! happy v day!

i don't know why i'm so not looking forward to sch. the crazy mood swings & e kids all over e place with e principal & v-p walking ard. i think they hates me... cus i was late for a meeting once and i was sketching the picture of my mobile phone during e meeting.

C'MON, I WAS BORED!!!! and i was listening!!! i think... wad da hell.

and there was once when i tot my class wasn't noisy at all when e vp walked in and scolded my class. ARHHHHHHHH. she apologised to me which made me even more stressed. bleahx.

and my students dunno what fuck means. because frm their hp dictionary which sucks, it explains it as a word people scold when they're angry. so i guess they assumed it was harmless. so they messaged me this, good bye miss yeo, wtf. and i went o.o

they are so lame, they make me angry, they have a weird sense of humour by throwing stones @ me & telling me i need to have a bf but they're e bunch i look forward to seeing everyday. really. somehow they just became a reason why i go to sch. or else i wld have given up.

damn, e tourism market looks very "lucrative" recently. maybe i shld consider joining. BWAHAHA

i hate ppl like u.

i'm tired....

get the hint?

so just shut up and go away. i hate ppl like u.

signs

i find myself loving to do these things again such as...

staring blankly into space before snapping back into reality

standing in front of the window and zoning out into the darkness

thinking about people whom i didn't think about for over a year

"traumatized" by events and people around me. things that i wish so hard for it not to happened has happened.

going to slightly more extreme mood swings

hating myself alot recently

thinking abt death & wanting people to regret what they've done to me

i find myself...

thinking alot.


~~~~

e only thing i've been looking forward to is to borrow that damn cd from e library. HAH!

i'm scared because i know it's nt PMS but i really hope i'll be ok. i really hope...

life

sometimes, maybe, u noe...

sometimes, i think teaching is like having this crazy love affair with ur kids, where sometimes u just need a spark to get things going while sometimes, u need to build somethings up over a period of time.

and now we're halfway thru e roller coaster ride, i think i'm finally starting to get e hang of it, their mood swings and all.

and then once in a while when i feel like giving up on this incorrigible bunch who love to play and do nothing else, u can always count on them to bring u back to ur feet again.



it's as if they know

maybe as much as u're trying to understand them, maybe, maybe, they're trying to understand u as well.

just exactly who are u?

you like to go crazy and be very loud yet u love to reflect abt life alot

you like to be childish yet hate people who are shallow

you like to teach but yet you're getting tired of e job u're at right now

you like being alone but yet hate it if everyone ignores u

just exactly who are u?

whatever

si tu crois

a grp of restless pupils with raging hormones, highly volatile emotions & highly active.

damn i'm nt even that hyper active myself.

this is getting really sucky, because they're making e lesson more boring then it is. and e worse thing is, i really conduct damn boring lessons cus I LACK EXPERIENCE DAMNIT.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

u think it's so easy to be a teacher arh... wah lao. xiao liao.

and i come home with a splitting headache everyday.... damn

tout seul, tu t'en iras tout seul
coeur ouvert à l'univers
poursuis ta quête
sans regarder derrière
n'attends pas
que le jour se lève
suis ton étoile
va jusqu'où ton rêve t'emporte
un jour tu le toucheras
si tu crois, si tu crois, si tu crois en toi
suis ta lumière
n'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes
au fond de toi souviens toi
que je crois, que je crois, que je crois en toi

[translation of the french]
all alone, you will go on your way all alone
heart open to the universe
pursue your quest
without looking back
don't wait
for the day to arise
follow your star
go where your dream takes you
one day you will touch it
if you believe, if you believe, if you believe in yourself
follow your light
don't extinguish the flame that you carry
in your heart remember
that i believe, that i believe, that i believe in you

just shut up

u noe wad, i seriously dun get it when some assholes come up to me and talk crap, like crap related to our class. things like it seems like ABC is doing well in uni, CDE seems to be having a good life there.

of cus lar, farking hell, who e hell wldn't have a good life there. they're studying, we're working for god's sake and we don't even noe where we'll end up. i noe i'll end up in e teaching industry for e god noes how many years which really seems pathetic because hey, looking back in how many million years time, i can "proudly" tell them i've been teaching since 19. how smart.

now i noe why those ppl who don't do well for As just disappear out of my life. seriously, smtimes, we just don't really want to noe what's going on in ppl's life because we don't really noe wad's going to happen to our own.

i noe it's really no one's fault but sometimes, talking abt ppl in uni having a good life just really wrecks my nerves. it just makes me, in fact, us sound like a whole lot of screwed up bunch when i don't think we r.

i'm srry for ranting, but sometimes, having a low self esteem now and then doesn't really help in my current situation. wtfh

You like spaghetti, George?

sometimes when my mind goes blank and i've nthing else to think of, i'll naturally have a flashback of that day. e day when i cldn't rmb anything else xcept for my friend hugging me and den mumbling something into my ear over and over again while i just stood there, numbed.

i've always wondered how much i've moved on from there. technically speaking, as a student, u cld say tt i've nt progressed much. whereas ppl have moved on to a new semester with new books and lects and stuff, i'm pretty much stuck at e jc mentality, studying my $20 eng guide book & hoping i am still qualified to be a student.

but in a emotional sense, how much have i moved on? am i still who i am 1 year ago? where i felt life was pretty much down e drain since my future was screwed. even noe every once in a while, i wld ask myself if i'm suffering frm e repercussions of my cursed A lvl results. or if i'm more disadvantaged then my fellow peers. how do u actually define move on? when u stop thinking abt it? or when it doesn't hurt anymore?

and the most amusing thing is that during this period of time, i downloaded e whole 2 series of DEAD LIKE ME and watched it over again, which helped me become more positive. e many different quotes which actually made sense to me when i felt down & out. e many things which made sense in this sucky world.... like what some ppl say, in life, u just never know.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

George: And what if I don’t?

Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

George:That night, a man was killed by a speeding car and I was there to take his soul. The street on which he died turned into a flowing river of light, and he hesitated at its banks. I told him to take a deep breath as if its the last one you will ever take, because sometimes in life, or in death I guess, you just never know.

TADAA!!

there r no lousy teachers, only lousy students. if u're nt learning, it's nt cus ur teacher's lousy, it's because u refuse to learn. said my dear principal aka my boss

ok i love my principal. my sch is in many ways outdated by it is also because of this that it's retaining it's old charms that i so desperately looked for in cedar. but like they say, change is the only constant.

i think change is bullshit. i want to play badminton with sean & mr chia!!! stupid effing meetings.

~we fall, face flat, head over heels, broken bones, but we must after every fall stand up with grace. TADAA!