reminder

Dear Simin

considering all possiblities that u haf listed out for urself

this is just a reminder that it is not even remotely possible so get over urself.

kthnxbye

From
Ur rational self

shame

if anything, i m very thankful that my family is not into this religion thing, cept for my mum n her buddha 'burn incense for me after i die' thing.

but the thing is

once in a while when i hang out with ppl who are very pious

it just makes me question my own beliefs alot

it's always easier to follow what others believe in

but then again,

i always wonder

is my reason for holding on so tightly to atheism

a result of an unexplainable fear that i might be proven wrong

or is it because atheism has always been based on nothing

if i lose this belief

what else do i have to hold on to?

because i still can't forget that long pause u gave me when i asked u what u believed in

that long, unsure and awkward pause

before u said

atheism

like there was this fear of being judged,

this unmistakable sense of shame

n from that day onwards

i carried that shame with u too

random random

i can't help but wonder.

who exactly are u

but then again.

we don't even know it ourselves too.

how do u work

without trust?

the attention seeking cheap slut speaks

in a short span of 2 wks

i have been told that i am cheap and that i should treat myself with more respect

and that i am a slut who seeks attention by putting ppl down.

by two different guys

from NIE.

and i am thankful that i wasn't depressed enough to actually believe them or cut myself or maybe just happily fling myself off some 7 storey NIE building.

just my luck.

let's clear the air shall we

i don't understand wad u mean by:

But u seem to enjoy it. Everyone could see it.

At the expense of someone's dignity and pride...

sorry i don't wanna bother u about this. take care

who was everyone? or u mean u and ur gd friend who took it personally?

at whose dignity or pride?

u don't wanna bother me abt what? You tell me so many hurtful things, and then without any further explanation, u go on to say u don't wanna bother me? really. u are soooo considerate aren't you?

you serious, after u shoot me down, stab me, and spit on me, u ask me to take care.

so u sriously thought that i was out to put anyone in a difficult position at all?

so u sriously thought that i was enjoying every moment of it?

if anything, i would have expected u to know me better. out of every frigging one there. i though u wld have been the one to know better what my outburst was for and what triggered it. yet the people who were not close to me understood perfectly what i was trying to say. it's just that they didn't say it. I was the one who was stupid enough to say it. YET AGAIN.

u, on the other hand made me out to be this psycho freak that enjoyed attention and putting everyone down.

sure. i shld guess that a little part of me enjoyed that moment of attention when everyone was listening to me.

i guess u never truly understood why i joined this club for the 3rd time. which was why u were so quick to believe when i told u that i joined for hall points and u went around telling people that, i haf no idea with what ur intention was at all. and i had to hear what u said about me, from someone else. awesome really.

and i guess tt was y u were also so quick to believe that i had the intention to hurt anyone in particular when all i was really concerned about, was why was OTE giving us, as a club, so much problems and why, is no one angry that OTE is giving us so much problems. Why is everyone horrified when people gave suggestions to stand up against the OTE?

in the end, i guess the person who really gave a flying fuck abt it just hurt herself the most in the end.

and u, after all that u said, can just come up to me and say u are sorry AND that i don't understand u. which part of the u putting me down do i not understand? am i supposed to see it as an act of a concerned friend who wants to point me to the right direction? well i guess u did pt me in the right direction in the end didn't u?

if u wanted to understand my rationale for saying all that i've said during the meeting. then what was YOUR rationale for saying that to me straight after i told u that i just apologised for my mistake. Do i sound so adamant that i was in no fault at all that warranted your response?

do you even know me at all?

i guess not. like u claimed how i didn't understand u anyway.

thank u for everything. really. especially for that one special moment that you made me feel like a freak and that i didn't deserve to be loved.

i am sorry that i have disappointed u, in what ways, i don't know. if ur fb status was even about me. haha. i am a shameless and cheap slut who can never change after all, aren't i.

u have been an awesome friend. and i wish u well.

so close to stupidity

i cannot control emotional outburst.

like what i said just now, i just really didn't expect it to come out of myself at all.

yes u're right, i am in every sense a attention seeking bitch, are these are the moments of attention which i seek should i lose control of myself.

talk abt carnal lust. lol. this is what i'm faced with everyday.

n sure,after that i enjoy the moment on replay too

i would always go back later to relieve the moment, but never that pleasure that came with that moment . it's just this overwhelming guilt that consumes me because i always take things twice as hard that wad NORMAL ppl wld usually do.

and every single once in a while, the bitches and sluts lose control, and come out in bloody zig zagged lines on the back of their hands.

sure, i enjoy the moment. i always do. thank u for pointing it out to me.

if there's anything that comforts you, u are not at the losing end.

my debt is always paid in blood and self hatred.