i hate married life.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Im so sorry, 

U said

But of what use

After u have left me bleeding. 

Prodding me again and again

Of how right u were

How unfair i was

How i shouldve planned it better

But thats what people do when they are in pain

Keep planning and fighting to take control of every single thing in their life

Because they have lost so much else in one day

That all they can do is just fight back to control what's life in their lives

But u dont understand

After ive repeatedly told u to stop

U just dont

Until it's too late. 

hello 2 years

hello 2017

it's been 2 years

ive been leaving bits and pieces of myself on fb that i dont really come here anymore.

convenience and instant gratification

u cant really be heard here. but then again why do u want to be heard?

things have changed. we're a lil more used to the fact that u are gone now though mum makes it a point to reopen that wound once in a while.

and then there's this marriage, house, kids and the standard fare that most couples go through. standard
mundane
apparently very necessary

the whole idea of a marriage has been baffling and sometimes i feel that i'm carrying the load of 2 instead of my own burdens.

why do we want to have a house, why do we need to have kids.

why is this world not enough for us that we need a physical anchor and mini versions of ourselves to prove that we are here.

and with all these responsibilities and promises.

where will i be?

where will my place be?


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

We move forward by doing difficult things. That's how you know you're moving forward.

this month has been especially difficult

alot of crying. just non stop crying

it's just very difficult to deal with the fact that i'm gonna be a year older and you wouldnt be there.

i've accumulate 2 years worth of little events and achievements that i want to share with you but i cant

n they said time would make things better

everyone lied i guess

i have tonnes of apologies i wish to make, tonnes of things i wish that i couldve done better and as the years become longer so does my list of i wish i couldve

it doesnt matter if i still have a partner or if i still have a mom. she's practically reminding us tt she's waiting to die.

n yes u loved us alot n made so many sacrifices. it's just very difficult to deal with life now that nobody is doing as much as u did anymore.

tirade

tirade

deaths have been common

sudden deaths

deaths that arent predicted

but such is life

and its unpredictablitiy

we think we have it under control

our relationships are going to last

but it isnt

something will wear it down.

time will always wear it down.

someone will always have to pass first.

and the other left to weep.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

It's been years
Since i stopped thinking
N stopped improving myself
Ppl always say during weddings tt he/she has made me  better person
I find it very hard to imagine tt
Apparently my mind goes thru a 2 step process
Trigger happens n i am troubled.
I act up but i do nt confide in anyone
I eventually burst the dam n someone drowns.

N because u have been the closest so far. Uve drowned
Time n again.
Maybe i do know what is goin on
But i just dont give a fuck
I cld give alot of reasons or excuses.
But none of them shows signs of me tryin actively to change myself

U want me to b honest with u.
I find tt extremely difficult to do

But how does writing here make me different frm ur 17year old best friend.
I m bitter abt alot of things now
E fact tt i have to drive u ard
E fact tt u blew up on me once at e stupid place cus of car keys n ure lecturing me abt giving support
E fact tt ur sis tried to counsel me abt money spending matters.
E fact tt u always complain abt ur family n how they shld be spinsters while i cant.
Or maybe all these are irrational reasons
Fueled by stubborness n ego

Wld they even be relevant. If we have broken up

iwrotethisforu

it's funny how someone closest to you can say the most hurtful and childish things

like oh i unfollowed ur fb cus u were posting lame stuff.

yup tt's stupid, but i prolly dint need to know that becuase it hurts?

u know u sometimes need to keep ur mouth shut n think before you speak

we go around seeking for approval even from, especially from the people closest to us.

don't tell me you don't do that too.

so stop acting like u're so damn smart n that u're better than everyone else

but i guess u prolly wldn't see it anyway.

5 months on

things never got better

ppl asked me to have hope.

u need to define hope for me cus i don't really know what it means right now.

pain is a constant.

finer things in life

maybe i shld be content
 to be stuck here as i am
 that dreams shld remain dreams
 n money will always be a constrain
 backpacking is for the rich
 for those who don't have commitments
 for those who can let go and not care
 i thought i cld
 but in the end
i just can't paint anything better than this =(

I had hoped to categorise my thoughts but im just nt the type to. Thoughts come in waves. They just crash upon the shore. Wave after wave. With stoning in between. Hahaha. The lack of intelligent post is making this blog crappy. 

Been complaining too much abt the oth half. So much so tt he seems a terrible person. Concerns are still the same. But smhow i dont feel compelled to give up because he is stll trying. 

1 week

29th April

dad had already lost much weight for a few months. we didnt really notice. but he complained of a lack of appetite. we had celebrated mum's day the previous day at regent. i guess i already prepared myself for the worse which was why i didn't feel anything at first. or maybe i just numb myself to things. it's how i cope i guess.

there was alot of crying on the phone. me calling him, my sis calling me. we were lost i guess. 1 year and he would be gone.

life would go on i guess.
life was followed by 2 more days of hiding in the room to cry n then going to work to die.


it's been a week? life's back to usual i guess. with alot more weird additions and changes to our lifestyles. we got a hand blender, a juicer, a coffee bean blender n a sauna tub.

it's kinda of fun, if u look at it that way. i finally got to get my juicer to juice carrots n shit n make my own apple yakult drink. i also know now where i can get a replacement for my defunct blender. we also have a personal tub where i can have a relaxing sauna as if i was japan.

this sort of things sort of distracts u from the reality that u are facing. everyday we ask him intently if he was eating better, if he gained weight, if there was any abnormalities.

most of all we are just hoping that this shit of a natural alternative healing method, the budwig protocol, and the bill henderson protocol would make sense. it's what we are living on i guess. we hold on to any reason given n feel quite hopeful that it's gonna work.

now we wait. n hope.

n everynight i just sit in front of my lifeline, the internet n search for any other reason i can hold on to. every break that i have in school, all i could think of was how can i make this better n make it work.

i'm so tired. i just dont want to think anymore. i just need a miracle. i just want my dad to live.

这个世界上所有的爱都以聚合为最终目的，只有一种爱以分离为目的，那就是父母对孩子的爱。父母真正成功的爱，就是让孩子尽早作为一个独立的个体从你的生命中分离出去，这种分离越早，你就越成功。

是同事和我说的。是事实。是很残酷的事实。很痛。心很痛。很难接受事实吧。一年似乎很长也似乎很短。我不知道该做什么好，也不知该想什么好。就是很麻木的过着。偶尔撑不住就痛哭一场，然后又在继续的麻木的活着。 有好多的舍不得。

~I would have you smile, not grieve for those whose time has come

mercurial

it's funny what the head does to u
how much joy n how much pain
is all dictated by the brain
and it's whole network of emotions

mercurial is what you've always described me to be
highly emotional fucktard.

how do u feel peace
in the face of all these that is going on.

a truckload of ramblings

it's been so long. so very much long

the days have been depressing
but for what reason
i don't really know

maybe i do
maybe all along i've felt that this was wrong
that i shouldnt be suppressing all the angst i feel towards this
trying to change me issue

it wasn't a superficiality thing
it was about what we saw different

and now that u're going back again
life in a way will go to a standstill
life between us
almost
a
standstill

it's e frustration i guess
not being able to make up my mind
i hate leaving things hanging as it is

but there isnt a problem
u wld say
why does a quarrel always seem
like the end of the world

weak

these few days i've been wondering if this was what i wanted

if i'm happier than i was before

if in finding a whole have i lost a part of myself

in trying to accommodate people

i've went to extremes and killed myself

bit by bit

i've always lived life with alot of doubt

because if anything

i've learnt that nothing is ever for sure


but now this self doubt is weighing people around me down

and that has been what i've been trying to avoid all along

being a burden

so now i'm lost

who should i be?

what should i become?

changing

we r all leaving

and i tot i was still the same

i am alot older now.

the things i tot i cld do

now i just sit there

n not move at all

how is my dream even possible now

=(

life

life has it this way
that nothing is fair
but u can't compare
for everything has its time n place
and it may not be now
but the future is still
yours
to
spend

so keep dreaming
n keep them alive
n life will have it
that it will be urs some day =)

control

we don't blog anymore
maybe our bf's have become our daily diaries
there's nthing to put into words

i need to let what's in my head bleed
out
i keep too much shit inside

what if there's smthing wrong with me
den i wldnt want a child to be like me
to have bitch fits and crazy self harm tendencies

yet everyone says it like it can be controlled
i tried
i walked away
then u came n slammed the cup
that's when i lost control

i hate life like this
i hate wondering if my emotions are a result of my inability to manage anger
or isit a result of my fucked up hormones
either way it's still e same isnt it
the inability to manage urself
to remain calm.

so fucking fail.

shit

for the countless times as u sit there and talk about something that is bothering u over and over

give the person sitting there listening to u some credit for listening
give the person sitting there figuring out how to best comfort you some credit
give the person sitting there feeling worried for you some credit

if u think sitting there listening to u talk is so fucking easy
maybe u shld listen to urself talk
and for thousand times u said things that were hurtful
i didnt even show
so if u think i'm nt the best listening ear
then find someone else who doesn't hurt ur damn pride

term 3 wk 5

it will be 4 years later before i can make any plans with my life

4 classes. i tell myself. i've survived 2. 4 wouldnt be such a big number after all.

i wish to do alot of things. but with this boundary set in im apprehensive of how far i can go.

24 is such a young age to be stuck in a job for life.

work and travel

taking my masters

working in a farm

how much do i want to see

how much do i want to achieve

is this the furthest i can go?

and my dream was never to settle down and have kids

to be pleasing mothers and fathers and convincing them i was the right one

my dream was always to leave.

and meet people

to live lifes

lifes we could never imagine leading

maybe as a rubbish cleaner of the streets of taiwan

maybe as a waitress in one of the restaurants

cleaning bedsheets of some bed and breakfast joint in australia

anything

at

all

and marriage would kill it all